JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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 Posted:
Jun 07, 2004 - 14:33 |
 
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Welcome!!!!!!
The Southern Wastes League launches tonight its own 24 hour coverage station, with all the latest and greatest NEWS! from the league.
We will also be having interviews and special comments from current and past players, coaches and supporters!
Highlights will be Talking Bloodbowl! hosted by our very own Neverborn and Twahn.
Our cooking series hosted by that gastronomic extraordinaire Rushem of Kano's Black Tide, where we will get all the latest and greatest post game recipes as Rushem cooks for us each week with Surprise Meat!
It wouldn't be thursday night without The Bloody Show! where host Noddy Maguire and retired 14 game veteran and only surviving past player for the Prince Reagents famed former player Lord Acetius and the panel of current and exciting star and upcoming players discuss the weeks upcoming games and each teams lists and chances. You won't be able to tip without it!
In between we will have all the latest and greatest Breaking NEWS! as well as regular features on the Star's Of SWL!
Tune that set to SWL'S Channel BB and leave it there for all the best and brightest! |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 07, 2004 - 14:45 |
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Welcome to the Season that was, in the coming days we will be having a retrospective of Season 4 of this great league and be airing famous episodes of all our season regular shows in the lead up to our annual awards night "The TwahnLows!" |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 07, 2004 - 14:57 |
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We begin our review with an early pre season interview with some of Coach Neverborn's best and brightest:-
"If there was ever any doubt that it is a team game, the Corporate Fraud Chaingang have removed it.
After winning only 2 awards this season, Golden Boot and THE SWL PREMIER CHAMPIONSHIP, the team reflected on how teamwork won them the league.
"We aren't a one man operation, like Duke United, or Slumbering Qurindoorochhehieie" said Team Captain, Christohpher Skase.
"It truely is a team effort when it comes to the gang. It is the final proof that captialism works. We're all selfish bastards all in it for our own glory. Because of this we all refuse to cut corners, or let someone get infinetly better than the rest of us." Scott Sullivan remarked.
While some of the great players have left or are thinking about retirement, the team spirit at the gang will go on."
Bring on Season 4."
Sadly mere days after giving this interview Christopher Skase was tragically crippled on the playing field and forced into retirement. In a lovely Villa on a small island off the coast of Espania. |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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Jun 07, 2004 - 15:23 |
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All season saw a vicious rivalry carried on between Vladim Oslobahn of the Blue Mountain Dragons and Carlton United's Star Duke Snakefield in all forms of the Media, Press, CabalVision and Cabalwave........
The war began with this opening salvo from Vladim..
"I've won 6 MVP's purely on the basis of my prowess in the sack with the cheerleaders and Zara the Slayer!
You homo's down Carlton way wouldn't know anything about that! I'll be taking the pitch tonight against you and your nancy boys... but where's the blessed Duke? Washing his small sized cod piece on the sidelines I do believe!"
The Duke was quick to respond....
"If you wanna know where the Duke will be tonight, you best ask your mum!"
Not to be deterred Vladim turned the tables back.....
"Well my mum reckon's the Dukes a tad small in the block and tackle department and can only go for 30seconds at best...
So what's he doing during the rest of the match??"
and eventually the Dragons hit the Snake with the biggest comeback of all defeating Carlton united 2-1.
This rivalry is as yet unresolved and should they face each other on the field of green again it can only mean a tough no holds barred nasty game, but then, thats Good for BloodBowl! |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 07, 2004 - 15:34 |
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Corporate Fraud Chaingang was the SWL entrant int the World Champions Cup, unfortunately they played their first game after this shocker.....
"3-0 to the Chaingang at half time, but the damage had been done. Fouls that killed Nick Leeson (with the apoth failing) and niggling Chris Skase, resulting in his retirement, have posed questions about weather the Chaingang will be able to send a team to the world championship tourney. After getting away to a great start, some viscious fouling from both sides resulted in very valuable players being killed. "
The score line for World Champion's Pre-Cup Qualifier: Corporate Fraud Chain Gang 2-3 Corp PEsquera de Norska (Spanish Champion) showed just how prophetic the prediction was to be.... |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 07, 2004 - 15:41 |
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Our reporters had full access to all teams lockers rooms post game although the one assigned to cover the Tenebrae V's Black Crowes game resigned after capturing this Coachs Address on viewer......
Storm clouds swirled inside the goats locker room and it was soon apparent it was not just steam from the showers. Horns drooped and Lions wimpered as all soon realized they were about to be in the uncomfortable presence of the Shadow Void.
"YOU USELESS CHEESE EATING EXCUSES FOR CHAOS...", boomed the Unseens voice. "NEVER HAVE I WITNESSED SUCH A WEAK AND PATHETIC USE OF ALL THAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU."
The team cowered as one...but all eyes were helplesssly drawn to JealousGuy who was in the obvious pain grip of the Unseen.
"YOU JealousGuy ARE THE WORST! I HAVE BLESSED YOU WITH A DOUBLE MUTATION AND YOU CAN'T EVEN KNOCK AN ELF DOWN LET ALONE HURT ONE! AND TO "PRETEND" YOU WERE KNOCKED OUT FOR THE REST OF THE GAME WHEN I SUPPLIED SMELLING SALTS JUST INSULTS ME EVEN MORE!!!
With this last being spoken JealousGuy shook from horn to hoof as his Razor sharp Claw was gripped by an Unseen hand and dragged down his flank.
"THATS WHAT BLOOD LOOKS LIKE YOU DOGS...AND THE NEXT TIME I SEE IT, IT HAD BETTER BE THE BILE THAT RUNS INSIDE THOSE ORCS OF KANO"S TIDE...UNDERSTAND?"
And with that the cloud evaporated...all was quiet except for the wimpering of JealousGuy as he licked his wound.
"So..." said Conspiracy, the newest recruit, "was that the coach?"
All just goes to prove that it takes a certain something to be a bloodbowl player........ |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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SonofSharkboy
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
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| Posted:
Jun 08, 2004 - 04:15 |
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The following broadcast on Channel BB is a payed advertisement brought to you by supporters of the Western Sydney Wonders...
Hey Kids!!
Don't forget to tune in this year for the prestigious Twahnlows Awards Show!! While the Western Sydney Wonders have always looked at their strength being how they work together as a team, we also believe in rewarding the efforts of our players when they have a stellar season. When the voting comes up for the Division 4 Twahnlow Medal, keep your eyes peeled to this king among elves! Without further preamble, May I introduce to you Iron!!!
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 08, 2004 - 06:50 |
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Casualty rates in BloodBowl have always been very high, sometimes for all concerned as this match report continues our retrospective...
"Welllllll, alas the Black Tide look to have surrendered their least brutalised team status in a smashing game with the Crowes. Four casualties each. The tide go to .92 in cas against.
Black Tide versus Black Crowes.
In a very physical contest that saw both Apothecaries used in turn 1 of the game the Crowes took the game 1-0 and both teams went home short a player. The Crowes also will have their nastiest piece of work Jealous Guy missing next game after a brutal hit from Borc Blocker Rork put him down hard on the turf.
A great game that saw a great barbie held afterwards for the two teams cooked by Rushem with much fresh surprise meat consumed and much Ale quaffed."
We also see here the first reports that have led us to our great new season cooking show, Surprise MEAT! hosted by the Black Tides very own Rushem |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Jun 08, 2004 - 07:35 |
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chunky04
Joined: Aug 11, 2003
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Jun 08, 2004 - 13:07 |
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New Kids (not) on the Block?
It has been noticed in recent weeks that those self-apointed champions of Division 3, I-House have been excpetionally poor in their blocking of late. Told to investigate the phenomenon, ace SWL journalist Irite Stuff spoke to coach Chunknanimous about I-House's recent blocking malaise.
I Stuff: So Coach, what do you have to say about your teams recent lack of blocking ability, and have you any comment about the speculation about your future as head coach?
Chunk: Bah! Tis not my fault at all! In fact, we suspect that our blocking coach has been paid off by the other teams in division 3, who are simply so scared of our macho players that they paid him to corrupt our players excellent blocking techniques, which has resulted in our two losses this season. We have put in a protest to SWL CEO Twahnlow Sweetchariots, but as everyone knows, he is a useless ditherer, and we cannot expect any justice apart from that we extract with the shiny soles of our boots! Rest assured, this coach has most recently been fired, and we have used some of our saving to engage some assassins to HUNT HIM DOWN!!!!
I Stuff: What about those of your fans calling you out over your recruitment of the Ogre Axe?
Chunk: Bah! How the bloody hell was I supposed to know I'd gotten the only gay ogre in existence? Spends most of his time fraternising with opposition players in the "KO" box. We have again protested this development with SWL management, but head lawyer Warren Neverhadaclue told us there was no way we could change the big oafs current contract, and so we're stuck with him. Honestly, who ever heard of a gay Ogre? Anyone? No, you haven't, that's right, and you would hired him yourself you weasels!
I Stuff: You seem to be very hostile towards your fans
Chunk: Bah! Well what the hell do you expect? They're all bloodsucking leeches. I tell you, apart from that one pitch invasion, which I suspect was really motivated by their prediliction for Dwarf fondling, they've done squat for us. Other teams fans throw rocks, get the ref, throw riots at the drop of a hat, but ours just sit their quietly with their hands in their laps and hope they don't get hurt. And the friggin ogre doesn't help there either, he's supposedly a bloody gay icon now, so the few fans who did like to cause a bit of ruckus are not too afraid of being molested by the other half to actually do anything!
I Stuff: Thanks for taking the time to speak with us Coach
Chunk: Bah! Who the bloody hell are you? I was talking to Willy over here , bugger off you little gribbler, or I'll show you exactly what you can stuff! |
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chunky - you are eloquence on legs |
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JoeKano
Joined: Aug 30, 2003
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| Posted:
Jun 08, 2004 - 13:28 |
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In the season that was one of the most brutal teams was the Black Crowes who turned around from a disappointing Season 3 to storm into Season 4 with all that gore...
"The Black Crowes have completed their most brutal win of all time in Div 3 and have set up a BLOCKBUSTER with the Southside Stone Smashers in Round 5. Thats right it's #1 vs #2 with only one point seperating them for top honours. As to Rd 4 against the Sewer Pipe Dreams it was more nightmare than dream as the mighty herd finally played up to expectations! Looking forward to the final. Will keep you posted as to the where and whens." |
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"Take the Strength, crush the opposing linemen, drive them broken before you and hear the lamentation of their Cheerleaders!!!"
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ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Jun 10, 2004 - 02:31 |
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HEY KIDS, LOOKING FOR THE LATEST IN STAR PLAYER CARDS? Thats Right! The Card with the STAR on it. Every Star Player card is FULLY customizable...just tick the boxes and Add the photo and EVERYONE can be a star. Don't worry about figuring out the player's cost the CARD DOES IT FOR YOU! It can't get any better than that! Every card also comes with a free slice of Mystery Meat Jerky* When you are ready to be a STAR or just be on a card like one just go here and click on the Starplyr.zip link. The rest is up to YOU!!!
*Mystery Meat Jerky not included |
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Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny! |
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ozjesting
Joined: Jan 27, 2004
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Jun 10, 2004 - 02:54 |
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Ed Harsh here for HOOF and HERD magazine. Some dark reports swirling out of the Black Crowes paddock as they prepare for what promisies to be a BRUTAL season 5. After losing the chance to be Div 3 champs the coach of the Crowes, the GREAT UNSEEN, has been up to some decidely dark magic. Not content with a 2nd year team that performed against all expectations, moves have been made to promote this flock as fast as possible. Already the storm clouds have formed over Whitey and poodle-man...just WHY did they suddenly feel the need to exit the comp? Rumours also abound that our cousins in the Chaos Dwarf camp coached by Elan may have felt it safer to retreat than to play on in their current Div. Yes indeed my fellow graziers feel the fear from the Shadow Void.
In other news team bad boy JealousGuy has been blessed with his 3rd mutation in a row...he of the Claw/Razor Claw combo has added Chaos Beauty (also known as Foul Appearance) to his list. We attempted to contact him for an interview but he was knee deep in groupies at the time. There is talk of a calander coming out as a fundraiser for next season..we will keep you posted.
Also on the fundraiser front..look out for Lions the Mino's first single "Stands Still and Roars in Rage" A real toe tapper! |
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Say GO AWAY to CuddleBunny! |
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SonofSharkboy
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
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Jun 10, 2004 - 09:06 |
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On the topic of herds, we've live coverage from a great qPool game that went on this evening up in the frozen northloands between the Guttormr Raiders and Jezebell. Oh and our reporter has apparantly checked in so here we go live to the stadium!!
Thanks and welcome to the frozen north!! We had a ripper of a game today and I've Teatsie here from Jezebell to give us her viewpoint on what was a classical bashfest! Go Ahead Teatsie.
Mooo *cough* erm I mean many thanks Jim! Well, as we showed up for our friendly qpool match it was with mooo err boos of derision that our mighty chaos players were met. Dodging thrown flagons of mooead we barely managed to herd our team onto the field unscathed. Our fans showed great class in restraining themselves from rushing the Norse heathens where they stooood in the stands. Then all plans got thrown out the window. THEY TAUNTED MILKMAN DAN! *SNORT* Dan slid out to winger with a grimace and after the first kick immediately charged the curr at the center of it. Unfortunately his fury affected his blocking and he only managed a rough shove. Apparantly this provocation of the herd had been intended as Dan was immediately blindsided and before Daisy could come to his rescue, one of these filthy mongrols dropped down from the shoulders of a teammate to land elbow first on Dan's head. *tears fall softly down her bovine visage* The large bull of their stable then charged forth and assaulted Jersey leaving her with serious lactation issues that will probably have her sitting out next game. Mmmoooo Oh, it was On now! It was SO ON!! The remaing gurnseys, with eyes aflame with their barely contained fury proceeded to do what they'd been bred for generations to do...PLAY BLOODBOWL! With a power drive the likes of which have rarely been seen they drove down the field hooves flailing, teeth gnawing, hearts pumping until at the top of turn 7 there I was, casually grazing in the endzone, the footy casually resting between my blood spattered horns. The northern instigators then rushed forward in an attempt for a quick score, but it was strong play and an ACTUAL MOMENT OF BRILLIANCE by our Bull that saved the day. With a huge sprint down the field he managed to knock over one of the three men that could score, and pushed the second safely out of range thanks to two bovine assists. Milkmaid Mary laughed as a blitz tried to push her out of the way of the third, and sent that sorry soul to dirt city for his troubles, "Not on my watch!!"
After half time Mary had to calm her charges as they worried about how they'd stand up with such depleted numbers. The Norse fans once again started their taunting as our team took the field, but this time our fans had taken enough humiliation. With a righteous burst of caged fury they charged onto the pitch and stampeded across the far side of the field. Mooooany of the players, caught unawares by the sudden nightmare, didn't manage to dodge out of the way. While many ended up stunned, confused and out cold after the charge, one in particular took it rather badly in the chest. He now awaits the butcher I'm sure as all dead mooooeat eventually finds itself. Thanks to this sudden blessing from the Chaos Cows on high, Jezebell prevailed once again! The moral of the story? Milkman Dan's a swell guy and well loved by all. Well LOVED by ALL!!! YOU GOT IT??!!
*cringe* Ummm, Thanks to you Teatsie, and now back to the studio....
gg Skonos. Good and Bad luck played a big part in this match. Blame chaos for that I guess  |
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SonofSharkboy
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
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| Posted:
Jun 11, 2004 - 11:33 |
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NewsFlash!!!!
Rumours have spread rampantly today as a certain coach was overheard barracking for a team noone could believe!!!! The following excerpt has been edited to protect the identity of the coaches involved.
[18:05] <mElano> later all - wish us luck!
[18:05] <mElano> carlton that is!
As of this broadcast The Duke has been unavailable for comment. Stay tuned!!
:p |
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