Kam
Joined: Nov 06, 2012
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 Posted:
Apr 16, 2014 - 20:41 |
 
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That was originally a joke in PM, but I guess I could post it here as well...
| Anonymous Coach wrote: | Hey,
I am here to learn how to cook, boil, slice and dice slann properly. 
Please go on! |
| Kam wrote: | Oh, it's pretty easy. I learned this reciepe from Gramma Kam.
First off, you need boots. Not every kind of boots. Heavy, spikey boots from the Moot. It's essential to tenderize the meat. Then you need cherries. Don't ask me why, it doesn't even go well with slann meat, but my gramma always said "start with a cherry". And finally, you need a Blood Bowl team, and fans as well, with rocks, to tenderize the meat even more.
Once you have all that, ask your trees to slash the first frog they see. That's what Bretonian cooks call a bouquet garni. Then come the boots. You need enough boots to separate those juicy legs from the body. At this point, you may have to get rid of the ref for a couple of turns: it's hard to cook when frogs are trying to bite you. Kicking him in the nuts is pretty effective, and should give you a few turns to breathe.
Here is the most important part: you need to degorge (as say the Bretonians again) the legs in milk. Preferably bull centaur milk. It has a spicy, chaotic aftertaste that can't be reproduced. Milking a bull sounds kinda dangerous (and perverted), but trust me, it's worth the risk.
After a half time marinade, your legs should be almost ready, and most of your flings will probably be at the kitchen door, faking injuries. It's time to deep fry them in your chef's cauldron. Don't overseason them: that'd kill the taste. And don't overcook them either: it dries faster than chicken.
You can serve them with rice or Bretonian fries.
Next reciepe: bulls nuggets in spicy sauce. |
Native English speakers will eventually fix the grammar and the clumbsy turns of sentences.
Come on, post your stuff so we can have a new GLN issue! |
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GLN 17 is out!
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robocoyote
Joined: Oct 19, 2010
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Apr 16, 2014 - 20:52 |
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Awesome!!!!
As an undead coach I am curious if there are any new recipes for human brains coming out of the moot?
I hear warpstone is a popular spice for them in Skavenblight, but I am finding it hard to keep my zombies motivated with the regular Ho hum recipes passed down from our regular necromacers.
Thank you Chef Kam
Death is Forever staff |
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albinv
Joined: Sep 15, 2012
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Apr 16, 2014 - 21:33 |
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Zombies make perfect finger food once they have played a few matches the joints come pretty loose on the vets. Just plug it right from the palm and dip it into some nice salsa-o-brain, your ghouls will love you! ^^ |
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Garion
Joined: Aug 19, 2009
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Apr 16, 2014 - 21:46 |
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I've already given Calthor an interview with someone really interesting and Knut has given him something special. So that's two articles done and ready. How much more do you need? |
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Kam
Joined: Nov 06, 2012
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Apr 17, 2014 - 22:07 |
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| Quote: | As an undead coach I am curious if there are any new recipes for human brains coming out of the moot?
I hear warpstone is a popular spice for them in Skavenblight, but I am finding it hard to keep my zombies motivated with the regular Ho hum recipes passed down from our regular necromacers.
Thank you Chef Kam
Death is Forever staff |
Dear Mr Coyote,
You may not know it, but I was sent to Araby when I was 15 to learn the art of cooking in chef Gordon Ramses's kitchen. I'm probably the halfling chef who knows the best how to please the Undead (no, I'm not talking about necrophilia, and as said to the redemptor, it's legal in those countries anyway), so you were right to contact me.
First off, a succesful dish starts with fresh ingredients. Leave rat food to rats. Halfling chefs don't use chemicals, and you will never find any trace of warpstone in their plates. Mutated corn is a big problem in the Moot, I don't want to encourage such practices. Zombies may not be famous for their palate - some of them don't even have one, litteraly, nor a tongue for that matter, nor teeth, nor a jaw... - but they're not stupid! I mean... yes, they are but... Oh, don't try to confuse me! Don't feed them crap. Period.
For this receipe, we will need small sized brains. I strongly recommand snotling brains. Of course, you could use black orc brains instead - they're about the same size - but they're much harder to find. Fresh snotlings have the nose slightly humid and the mouth bright red. Don't pay attention to the smell, it's normal.
You now have to open the skull to extract the brain. Smahing the skull with his heel to pop the brain out is pretty funny but it's harder than it sounds, and unless you're a licenced member of the Snotlings Torturers Association, you will most likely simply ruin the product. Professionals use chainsaws instead, but you could also use an egg opener (the XXL ones, for ostrich eggs - they can be found in any Waaagh Mart for 4.99).
Put each brain in a ramekin with finely sliced endives and smoked ham (preferably from northern Estalia), add one spoon of Bretonnian crême fraiche, and sprinkle it with grated cheese. It's almost ready. Take your preparation to the closest franchise of the College of the Bright Order and ask a wizard to flash fry it. That's it, your brain gratin can now be served. |
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GLN 17 is out!
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Prez
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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Apr 17, 2014 - 22:57 |
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Dear Kam,
Following on the train of thought from Mr Coyote and racial preferences to taste!
I'm aware when all the planets are aligned Amazon warrior women have a tendency to enjoy a Halfling Kabeb with extra spicy sauce........
Now 'if' (BIG if) a Halfling(s) could down a Zon warrior how would they like to reply the favour 
Fear the Females staff |
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Prez |
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DatMonsta
Joined: May 27, 2009
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Apr 17, 2014 - 23:01 |
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What a laugh!
Dear Chef Kam,
i enjoyed your state-of-the-art receipes so far, but i would like to hear your ideas about how to give my d'elfs the right bloodthirst they need to compete with all those killerteams out there. They seem more interested about licking their own wounds (is there a specialo taste they enjoy?) than tasting the blood of their opponents. Can you help me out in this matter?
Thanks in advance,
your Monsta |
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the_Sage
Joined: Jan 13, 2011
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Apr 17, 2014 - 23:02 |
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| Kam wrote: | | I'm probably the halfling chef who knows the best how to please the Undead (no, I'm not talking about necrophilia, and as said to the redemptor, it's legal in those countries anyway). |
Lovely thread. This really had me grinning widely.  |
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robocoyote
Joined: Oct 19, 2010
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Apr 17, 2014 - 23:59 |
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Awesome stuff with a recipe like that I'm sure my zombies will be craving brains again in no time |
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Kam
Joined: Nov 06, 2012
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Apr 18, 2014 - 04:51 |
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Ok guys, as we may have a new issue of the GLN coming up, I'll publicly respond to Prez in this topic in the next few days (and I swear the fact he's gonna play against my team in the XFL semi-final won't influence me ), but I'll save the other replies for the magazine. Keep going with the requests!
Thanks for your encouragement. |
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GLN 17 is out!
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Prez
Joined: Aug 02, 2003
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Apr 18, 2014 - 09:53 |
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| Kam wrote: | Ok guys, as we may have a new issue of the GLN coming up, I'll publicly respond to Prez in this topic in the next few days (and I swear the fact he's gonna play against my team in the XFL semi-final won't influence me ), but I'll save the other replies for the magazine. Keep going with the requests!
Thanks for your encouragement. |
My my, well bless me and the girls, I hadn't noticed that!
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Prez |
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bghandras
Joined: Feb 06, 2011
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Apr 18, 2014 - 13:39 |
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| DatMonsta wrote: | What a laugh!
Dear Chef Kam,
i enjoyed your state-of-the-art receipes so far, but i would like to hear your ideas about how to give my d'elfs the right bloodthirst they need to compete with all those killerteams out there. They seem more interested about licking their own wounds (is there a specialo taste they enjoy?) than tasting the blood of their opponents. Can you help me out in this matter?
Thanks in advance,
your Monsta |
Dear Monsta,
Fist of all, I am also interested in that topic. I also play a lot with delves, too.
Maybe food can solve this issue, but let me share my experience on the matter. I play lot with Dark elves, and tried lot of different training and preparation methods.
Among others I have learned, that a chemically protected clothes are very effective against Nurgle.
https://fumbbl.com/p/match?op=view&id=3344798
As the example showed it helped immensely to outbash Nurgle, but as a sideeffect the elves lost their edge in ball control, and crashlanded next to a khemri team in ball handling. So a good outfit can help, but it is not without downside. Recommend lots of training in those said outfit, as evidenced in the rematch here:
https://fumbbl.com/p/match?op=view&id=3408770
Of course I wish Chef Kam comes up with the proper nutritioning, I am also interested in those details. |
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Daudy
Joined: Aug 28, 2008
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Apr 18, 2014 - 14:27 |
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Dear Kam,
I have this league thing going along and I find myself in unfamiliar surroundings, so I'm in need of a... killer recipe. I keep piling on more claws on my beast steak, but all I get is a burnt tongue even after I give it a mighty blow to cool it.
Please help me whip up a good recipe that will prove to be a KO with the rest of the league! |
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Kam
Joined: Nov 06, 2012
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Apr 20, 2014 - 19:58 |
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Actually, the response to Prez will wait until the next GLN issue. I've responded to DatMonsta instead, even though it wasn't much about food.
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Dear Monsta,
I am no psychonalist.. psychotal... brain doctor, I'm a mere Halfling cook (have you tried my brain gratin receipe by the way?). However, I think you got it wrong with your team. Have you even tried to understand your players? You really need to start thinking like a Dark Elf.
Dark Elves just want to have a simple life. They enjoy simple things: being sad and depressed in their cold stone castles, listening to the latest album of PJ Druchii, sacrifying a baby from time to time while watching an interview of Robert Pattinkhorne on Cabalvision... but adventurers and Blood Bowl coaches keep coming in Naggaroth to force them to play in shiny stadiums against smelly Dwarves or arrogant High Elves. How do you think they feel?
That being said, I can understand your frustration and I'm going to try to help you. If your players like the taste of their own blood better, it's simply because you feed them too well. Try feeding them exclusively MaleKitKat and their blood will turn into a chemical substance even an Underworld Goblin wouldn't dare to lick. However, be aware of the risks: they may become as obese as a Halfling with such a diet. There are alternatives like spicy dragon tongues soups from Cathay, but the side effects may be even worse (try that and "fireball" will take a whole new meaning on the next morning).
You should also keep in mind some races taste better than others. Halflings and High Elves should obviously be your favourite picks. Wood Elves should be avoided: I heard Druchii are not fond of organic food. The same goes for Undead teams and Greenskins: the latter bath once a year, and there's not much blood to lick on sacks of bones. Vampires however are an exception: they will taste just like their last opponents, so you should check that first. Dwarves and Chaos players fall into another category. Alcool or warpstone consumption make their blood quite addictive, but it also has psychedelic side-effects. Your players are likely to get out of control once they have tasted it - it's up to you to decide wether it's a good or a bad thing.
Emotionally yours,
- Kam, head chef of the Flying Sammiches |
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GLN 17 is out!
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Kam
Joined: Nov 06, 2012
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| Posted:
Jan 28, 2015 - 03:32 |
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I'm not very active these days, but I may solve a few more culinary dilemmas next issue, so feel free to post your questions here (I may not reply to all of them though).
Cheers. |
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GLN 17 is out!
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