“I thought this was going to be a bloody match, with a fair amount of claw, mighty blow, really sharp claws and a dirty player. It's so nice to be right.

My match got off to a fine start. My only niggler, a ST4 lineelf, decided (with a certain amount of foresight) that this was a match not to turn up to. With no guard (I have trouble rolling doubles with this team) and this being my only ever ST4 elf, I figured I may need the extra strength, so the apothecary sprayed his bad knee with "stuff", poured a bottle of water over his head, and told him to get over it.

I then lost the toss.

Opting to receive, my opponent’s first turn went: give the touchback to a player, block, block, block, move a bit, and blitz the ST4 elf to death.

Damn.

My team then went totally Elf. Arduin, my frenzied stripballer, put in a stellar performance this match. First he blitzes the ball loose, then frenziedly chainpushes a chaos warrior into a beastman into the ball which took a lucky bounce to my catcher.

Unfortunately, at the same time, my opponent’s team went completely Chaos. Three turns, one RIP, two BH and a KO. My catcher couldn't run fast enough to prevent another BH.

1 - 0 up; my 9 healthy players line up to defend another Chaos drive and yet again kick the ball into the crowd. A few more blocks, another dead elf. More blocks, another BH.

Arduin to the rescue!

Running towards the chaos warrior ball carrier like a crazed terrier after a particularly juicy bone, the ball once more is knocked free. In return, with a look of utter contempt, a chaos warrior knocks Arduin to ground and recovers the ball.

But Arduin just wasn't hit hard enough! He's back on his feet! He's kicking the ball carrier in the balls! The ball's knocked free! The Elven catcher's running for the end zone carrying at least one ball! The referees are inspecting the ball, and, yes, it's a touchdown!

A chaos warrior shows what he thinks about it by removing another elf from this plane of existence.

2 - 0 up, second half; my 6 remaining players line up for offence and the Chaos team helpfully kick the ball into the crowd. An elven catcher skilfully dodges into the Chaos backfield. His blitzer team mate tries to replicate this simple trick on the other side of the pitch and, Norman Wisdom style, trips over his own feet and lands flat on his face.

While the rest of the Chaos team are laughing their heads off (a stewards inquiry has refused to grant spps for this), a Beastman casually maims the catcher. The team heads down the pitch towards the alarmed elven thrower holding the ball.

The clumsy blitzer looks a bit dazed, but stands up, heads towards the endzone and shouts "give me the ball, Mr. Grimsdale!". The thrower is too happy to get rid of the ball to ask any questions and lobs it up the pitch. A beastman takes this as a personal insult and knocks him out. The blitzer isn't fast enough to reach the endzone, and there is a short, polite discussion about the ownership of the ball. A KO, a hand off, and a pass later and the Chaos team registers its first TD this match.

2 - 1 up, T5, second half; my 3 conscious players line up to receive the kick facing the 14 strong Chaos team. Their plan is "don't die". They try to spread out so they don't get surrounded and turned into a stain on the pitch. All they have to do is keep the ball for three turns to force a draw or better. While the Blitzer collects the ball, a catcher once again tries to sneak though the Chaos line, but the Chaos team is wise to it and a cleverly placed foot sees the catcher eating dirt.

After seeing how easily the catcher was tripped, the Chaos team gets somewhat over confident about marking him and he slips out between the legs of chaos warrior and runs away like his life depends on it.

It does.

The elven blitzer is still a bit dazed after his earlier fall and mistakes the catchers girly scream and dash for the exit as an intent to score and duly throws him the ball. The soaring pass hits the terrified catcher on the back of the head and drops into his ceremonial lion pelt. Still oblivious to the ball, with only survival on his mind, the catcher heads for the way out and accidentally scores.

3 - 1 up, turn 7, second half; my 4 surviving players line up against a chaos team looking for things to sacrifice. In an effort to placate them the ball is kicked straight to a chaos warrior. The elven team then sportingly goes over to congratulate the warrior on his imminent touchdown. In a display of clown like ineptitude, the clumsy blitzer extends his arm for a handshake, trips over his own laces and inadvertently blitzes the ball carrier. Realising his mistake, he then falls down as if shot by an invisible sniper, executing a dive that would make even Christiano Ronaldo proud.


On hearing the final whistle all the elven players still breathing spring to their feet (greatly surprising the apothecary and drawing a suspicious eye from their coach) and beat a hasty retreat, pausing only to mug the stadiums treasurer.

An unlikely 3 - 1 win for an elven team that suffered 8 casualties (including 3 deaths!) in the first half.

The Devils' coach has now realised why other elven teams tend to play other elves more than 3 times in 27 games.”