“It was a veritable elf fest as the Blackhill Demons entertained Rusland's finest. Not since strike-breaking scabs crossed the picket lines at the Santa Claus sweat shop have so many pointy ears been so cross with each other.

Snow and hailstones the size of sesame seeds swept across the barren, broken ground of the Naityin plain. Which is irrelevant really because the match was played at Blackhill where it was raining. Disappointing weather for the crowd who were looking forward to a long-passing game.

Not for the first time Creekmoor's charges took the lead. Not since Winkiano Ronaldo scored a TD after his infamous behaviour at the origin-of-the-species series have the home crowd so jeered a TD. "It's just like watching dwarfs" went up the chant as the Damons chugged effortfully down the pitch. "Creekmoor out" chanted the paying public who expected the beautiful game to be played at the school of science.

Thankfully for them the rules state that after a TD the ball is kicked to the opposition. And what opposition. At the end of the match, as spectators spilled out of the stadium, burning their Diamonds scarves and buying Rangers flags, arguments broke out. It can't possibly have been their first competitive match! No way are they rookies! Why is our ex-team so poor?

And so it was that Narcissus scooped the leather pudding from the trodden turf oblivious to the rain which had now ceased, to the point of oblivion in fact. The linemen knew the drill but unfortunately had left it on the team bus so they had to tackle using their imposing frames instead. Dark elves winced and one even took a dive to avoid the onslaught. Hole duly punched, Narcissus dummied to throw. Like cash strapped home owners they bought the endowment and Narcissus - visibly laughing - strolled over the whitewash unopposed.

After the restart a gap opened in the Rangers defence as a lineman stopped to inspect a rare orchid that he saw growing on the pitch. Uncouth, uneducated and uninterested, Stig rushed through the gap and waited for the ball. He did all the hard work as he caught the second of Grup's successful passes. Ignorant of his coaches belated instructions to await support he saw the goal line and glory. His name in stars! In fact he did see stars as he tripped, and replays confirmed this, OVER THE WHITEWASH, and fell concussed, blissfully unaware of the derisive whistling echoing around the ground. "Stig of the dumped" chanted the ironic Forza Blackhill.

The second half saw the score of the game. Celandine, standing in for the seriously injured catcher Cyp, and showing himself to be a versatile team player, broke through the cursory cover. Showing a previously concealed turn of pace he crossed the whitewash unopposed. A meaningless action, unless - and this is what marked the difference in the teams - the playmaker has just found you with an unerringly accurate pass. Celandine wasn't going to make any mistake. The respectful crowd, who understand BB better than most, rose as one in knowing admiration.

There have been conflicting reports about just what Creekmoor said as the cameras focussed on his forlorn face. Some lip reading experts have insisted that he said "I'm just out of my depth here" whilst others swear he cried "I try to copy what he does."

Narcissus completed the inevitable rout with a defence splitting pass meeting Meleagris like a magnet. He rushed like a green dream from the half way line to cross the whitewash unopposed. With man of the match "Eddy" Campion all but scoring as the match ended, Creekmoor couldn't prevent himself leaping off the bench and cheering as the referee blew the whistle, hence halting heavier humiliation.

Asked if he had doubted his team could ever turn things round, after conceding mid-way through the first half, coach Hepworthnot said "no". There were no press around to here what Creekmoorcrusader may have had to say.

PH 5 v 0 RH”