“An extract from Lord Catatonia’s “Around the Old World in 80 Centuries”

“Uniform is an ugly word. It offends the Chaos Gods, and mine ears, with its sense of order. But we all wear tabards to identify us on the field of (foul)play. I can see that without them, and were we to meet another rabble arising from the chaos realm, we might become confused. Or more likely, our Minotaur Clover might become more confused.

So one day, while we washed our over-frocks in the blood of last victims, I made an egregious ruling, an arbitrary dictum. “Beards are banned, henceforth” I declared. The goatheaded beastmen looked sidelong at each-other with their heavily eye-lashed peepers. They seemed to have grasped the implication for their little goatie chin-chins.

Within moments, my two lieutenants had grappled Greebo into a kneeling position in front of the laundrymangle, chin outthrust. I was turning the manglewheel as fast as my ruined hand would allow, my mind filled with images of bursting melons. Greebo’s bleats reach a pitch as the rollers began to bite flesh, when !interuption! Orcs had arrived demanding a fracas, though they used a lower tongue and words less erudite. So angry was I at being disturbed, I forgot all about Greebo’s offending beardling, which he snipped off himself to free himself and scampered to the frontline.

Fortunately, I had hired a chainsaw wielding goblin before this match delighting in the flagrant misuse of a gardening tool. He helped us cut a swathe down the field, which hoof and boot followed through. A score in the first hemi-match allowed us to focus on mayhem in the last. Our second only victory, and at last our record begins to seem less…<spits> ordered.”
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