“Heya sportsfans! Thrayn Ironglove here with yer recap o' our first game o' the season, a 2-0 win o'er the Death Dealers. Action began with the Shieldbearers electin' ta kick after winning the toss. Thrower Pain received the ball and got 'em a pass off to Lineman Smiler who was makin' tracks down th' sidelines behind som' fine blockin' from Ripper.

Fortunat' a timely blitz from Boain Ogremauler broke through 'is escort mere paces from the goalline and planted 'im on his arse, tossin' the ball loose inta open field.

With the ball on th' ground a few heavy hittin' blocks from Grittin and Boain clear'd the way for Sliver Shiningvein to get to it. He scooped 'er up and dodged into the open, pursuit hot on his 'eels. Luck'ly ole Marty Macehauler laid it hard and 'eavy on 'is pursuers, severely injuring Smiler (SI - Gouged Eye). Sliver broke out of the pack, with the bashin' taking place behind 'im resultin' in several crowdsurfs and a notable blitz from Boain puttin' Hacker out of commissi'n for the rest o' the game (Badly Hurt). Untouched, Sliver stepped in for th' score!

With much o' the time expired in the first half, the remainder of play was uneventful with th' exception of Din Kinderflint puttin' his fist through that fool Hatchet's gizzards on th' kickoff followin' the touchdown. Fortunate' for the Death Dealers, their apothecary was on hand to stich up an otherwis' fatal wound.

The second half took off with a kickoff reception by Ralin Thunderfell. The Shieldbears broke open the LOS and cleared 'im a Ogre-sized hole, while Longbeard Din Kinderflint and his assistin' lineman managed to escort poor ol' Ripper into his name-sake box on the sidelines(RIP) giving Din his second kill of the game. With the LOS controlled and with beautiful escortin' blocks by Sliver Shiningvein, Ralin broke away from the Death Dealer backfield and ran in for the second touchdown o' the game.

On the kickoff after touchdown, Thrower Pain received the ball and attempted a quick pass to one of his widezone players. Guess he saw the army o' Shieldbearers comin' to make a sandwhich outta his liver cause he panicked and let the ball slip from his fingers. Dwarven Runner Ralin was closin' in fast to scoop up the ball, but in his haste he stumbled over his own two feet.

Pain recovered the ball and made for the sidelines behind Blade and Gouger's leading blocks. Pain's blockers were quickly stripped off 'im by Dwarven defenders, but he managed ta slip through th' closing curtain of Dwarves and into the widezone. He tossed a pass downfield to his Blitzer Warrior, who had dropped deep behind the Shieldbearer defenses. However Boain Ogremauler saw the pass unfoldin' and managed the interception, though he was promptly tripped up trying to slip away from Sawn-Off to the open field cleared by his downfield blockers.

Pain again scooped up the loose ball and again set his sights downfield to 'is open receiver Warrior, who was mere paces from the goal-line and completely undefended. This time the pass was on target but Warrior bobbled it. Longbeard Gritten Whethammer pushed in and grabbed the loose ball, tossing a very unlikely and predictably terrible pass to Din Kinderflint near the LOS. "The Boot" grabbed the dropped pass for the Dealers, juked to the sidelines and fired a last-ditch bomb, hoping that Warrior would catch it and put a point on the board. But for the second time in a row, fumble-fingers Warrior dropped the ball and time expired, ending the first game of the Purebowl league season and giving the Shieldbearers the momentum they needed as they head into Round 2 against a seemingly very tough Undead team.”