“This was the first game played in the new SABBBL tournament, School of Hard Knocks. This was also my first game playing Pro Elves, and against this particular opponent.

The game started off with Sweltering Heat. One of the fans commented that we must be playing in the Gobi desert, and I was concerned that my teams well-groomed coiffures might not hold up to the humidity.

The Jewel Thieves received the opening kickoff. Due to their Brilliant Coaching, they got an extra re-roll. Balin (Runner) grabbed the ball, and the other dwarves began forming a protective wall. It wasn't quite a cage yet, but the elves were certainly going to have a hard time getting through it. A few good hits and it was looking like the elves might have found a weakness as ZZ Treetop broke through the lines. Then Patrick Swayzelf failed an assisted Blitz and the Jewel Thieves were back in business. The dwarves were reorganizing, with Balin moving into a nice cage on the sideline. Basher sent Greenleaf Bon Jovi to the KO box. Things were not looking good for Hair Legends as they started turn 2 with 5 players laying on the pitch and 1 in KO. In an unprecedented show of fortuitous luck, several elf linemen managed to disengage from the dwarves and dodge away to start covering the backfield. Suddenly Balin was in trouble as his dwarf teammates were spread all over the LOS and the elves were moving in on his position using their speed and grace advantage. The dwarves managed to recover, pushing elves out of the way and moving Balin into a more secure position. A scrum was inevitable at this point. Oh what a scrum it was. Holly Bud made an assisted block and was now threatening Balin. Mad Martin Braveheart jumped up and blitzed Balin, forcing the ball out and driving him to the pitch. It bounced through the line of players and landed next Sycamore LeBonBon. A pushback by Ratt Poison on Pounder sent the ball back through the lines, and through the stone hands of LeBonBon into a more favorable spot for the Jewel Thieves. A more glorious scrum commenced with Boran recovering the ball, but the dwarves were determined to score and punished the elves severely. Holly Bud suffered Broken Ribs by Crusher, and Pounder gouged John Travoltash's eye. Both players will miss their next game. Pounder then KO'd Sycamore LeBonBon, who was still wondering why he wasn't holding the ball that had touched his hands for a brief second. Bon Jovi welcomed the company in the KO box. Boran broke free of his protection and for a fleeting moment, it looked like the Legends might actually prevent a score, when 3 players surrounded the ballcarrier. However, they were unable to knock him down, and the Boran's mates came to his aid, opening a hole for him to scramble into the endzone on T8. On the ensuing kickoff, Bon Jovi rejoined his fellow Legends on the pitch. LeBonBon remained in the KO box trying to figure out how he had dropped that loose ball. No one was affected by the sweltering heat, but then the weather changed radically and a blizzard stormed onto the field covering everything in a blanket of snow. Ratt Poison managed to Badly Hurt Thrasher at the LOS. The rest of the blocks and blitzes only resulted in knock downs or pushbacks. The 1st half ended with ZZ Treetop failing to pick up the ball for a quick pass. He glared at LeBonBon in the KO box. The Jewel Thieves were still coveting the rerolls they had managed not to use in the 1st half.

The 2nd half started with the blizzard still in effect, and a bad kick by the dwarves. This resulted in a touchback, and the ball was given to Mad Martin Braveheart. The Legends were down 2 players to the Jewel Thieves, so they had to use their speed and the fortunate kick off to their advantage. With his teammates opening up a small crease in the dwarves defense, Mad Martin advanced the ball into the opponent's half of the pitch. Despite their valiant efforts, the Jewel Thieves were unable to prevent the score but Gasher did manage to send the celtic elf, Flock O' Seagull, to the Badly Hurt box. Now the elves were down 3 players to the dwarves with 6 turns remaining for them to score. At this point, the Legends coach was just hoping to hold on for a tie. The elves were appearantly not any better at kicking, and their kickoff to the dwarves resulted in a touchback. The ball was given to Boran, Dwarf Runner and he moved into position behind a wall of blockers, with Balin running interference. It was at this point that things began to unravel for the Jewel Thieves. First, the elves were pushing Blitzer Hail around until he ended up in front of Mad Martin Braveheart. With a battle cry of "Freeeeeeee-doooommm!", he hammered Hail to the ground and crushed the life from him. The crowd was stunned, and the Jewel Thieves were now down 1 Blitzer. The dwarves tried to rally, bunching up into a tight formation. Unfortunately, Boran got a little ahead of his defenders. Mad Martin, still on a rampage, next attacked Crusher and sent him to the SI box with a smashed hand. Boran managed to dodge out from a clump of elves intent on harming him, but was not making much progress towards the end zone. Some more back and forth between the two teams, and Boran saw his opening. He made his move, only to be tripped up by Greenleaf Bon Jovi. The crowd went wild as the Hair Legends suddenly had an opportunity to score. Bon Jovi quickly put a hit on Basher, sending him to the KO box. REO Hair Supply grabbed the ball and started running like there was a rhubarb pie in the end zone for him. Swayzelf jumped up from the pitch and ran to cover REO. ZZ Treetop saw his chance to help his mates and dodged away from Slayer Gimli, heading for the endzone to catch a pass from REO. Martin was still on a rampage, and knocked Balin to the pitch to prevent him from chasing ZZ. Now things were looking dire for the Jewel Thieves, but they refused to give up. Blazer pushed Bon Jovi back so he could assist Pounder on a block against Ratt Poison. Before Ratt Poison realized his peril, he was being carted off to the KO box. LeBonBon was still in disbelief that he hadn't managed to pick up the ball yet. Gasher decided to try and put an end to Mad Martin's reign of terror, but it was not to be. Mad Martin struck first and Gasher ended up in the SI box nursing a smashed knee. With only 1 turn remaining to score, ZZ Treetop got excited and sprinted for the end zone before REO could get him the ball. Fortunately, REO ran to catch up and lobbed a beautiful short pass into ZZ's waiting hands for a 2-1 lead. On the last kickoff of the game, Boran managed to complete a quick pass to Balin and the dwarves knocked Swayzelf down just for good measure.

Oh, and LeBonBon made it out of the KO box and onto the LOS where he finally acknowledged that he had in fact dropped the ball when it bounced through his square in the first half.

Thus ended the first ever game played in the SABBBL league. The Troutdale Jewel Thieves will be collecting bounties on Holly Bud and John Travoltash as they will both miss their next game. But those bounties come at a price as the Jewel Thieves will be without Gasher and Crusher, both of whom will be suffering from niggling injuries. And the team is still mourning the death of Hail. Both coaches immeadiately purchased Apothecaries with their winnings.”