“Old Foes Colcas and Apollo0360 faced off again, but decided to initiate 2 new teams into the Blood Bowl arena, fielding Willy’s Pollys and O2 Orcs respectively.

During set up it became apparent that a hulking great brute had signed for each team, Cowley Curse for Willy’s and Fred for the O2 Orcs. It would be interesting to see if the mutation “Expanding Stomach” of Cowley Curse could beat the mutation of “Gross Buffoonery” attributed to Fred. These 2 great hulks of Man Mountain faced each other up in a scene of great homo eroticism before kickoff, sizing each other up with admiring glances.

First Half
Receiving the ball, Willy’s picked it up and threw a successful pass. Several blocks followed but no injuries were inflicted. The O2 Orcs then tried a few blocks with only one block of any significance, Big Fred stomping little Bethicles. This caused Apollo mixed emotions as although the block was a fine attempt, Bethicles just happens to be his daughter. Sandra Lipotrim on Willy’s team took note of this and was determined that the O2 Orcs would pay for this. Sandra Lipotrim decided to bide her time.

Colcas started Turn 2 by doing what has become known as “A Polly”. Cowley Curse was instructed to block, but his two blocks gave bad results. The sense of injustice felt by Colcas when he realised ”Big Guys” cannot make amends for their mistakes was quickly replaced by a feeling of embarrassment. After all, it is in the rules and couldn’t be blamed on “Bad Programming”. Fred then decided to block, but did no damage to Willy’s, but Busy Bees were stung and dumped on the ground. Suddenley, a loud thundering could be heard. It was a sparsely haired, flat cap wearing female Orc; it could only be “Summers”. She lumbered towards the stricken Bees and a combination of her great weight and “Woman Beard” fouled the bees off the field. Surely such a move could not go unpunished, and it didn’t. The Referee could hardly miss such a move and promptly sent Summers off. Apollo challenged the Ref, who fell over laughing at such impertinence and refused to change his mind. Summers left the field muttering something about at least having time to complete her APR’s.

A bout of bad decision making from Apollo left the Willy’s ball carrier, “The Girls” only one sharp peck away from a free charge towards the endzone. Poor old Massey didn’t know what hit him and the silver haired Orc fell to the ground. The Girls charged off into the distance, with 3 successful “Go For It” rolls leaving them within a Beaks Breadth of the endzone, but very isolated.

Ever the Gentleman, Dave of the O2 Orcs dodged away from his marker and ran up to The Girls, collected a few eggs and rewarded their fantastic play with a small “Peck on the Cheek”. The Girls would now have to dodge to collect their touchdown; whilst Dave was dreaming of “That Special Blend of Herbs and Spices” he wanted to smother The Girls in. O2 Orcs then went through a few boring blocks, but no injuries were caused. The Girls blitzed straight through “Dave” before running into the Orc’s endzone and scoring the touchdown. 1:0 to Willy's Pollys.

The turn started with a mighty roar, it was Cowley Curse who decided to ignore his coach’s order and tucked into a large pizza with chips and onion rings. No blocking for this dude this turn, just an extra inch on his waist. The rest of Willy’s just ran around and refused to injure anyone. Tabaner of the O2 Orcs picked up and successfully threw the ball to the stunted goon that is Riley, who actually caught it. However, Apollo decided to call a few plays that would have even a 6 year old girl shouting “Pussy!!!” and the turn came to an end in an understated and usually meek way for Apollo.

Turn 6 started with Galagher of the O2 Orcs being knocked out, but Cowley Curse carried on roaring as he decided a Chicken Tikka Jalfrezi with chilli naan was in order and still had no intention of joining in the game. The O2 Orcs did no damage, but Apollo must have opened a bottle of wine as his tactics were spot on and he had the ball close to the halfway line with good protection. Could things be about change? Had Apollo finally gained his first coaching badge? The crowd waited with baited breath.

Cowley Curse decided he wanted to join in the game after all so launched a mighty 2 dice block on his nearest opponent. Unfortunately, he could not control his increased girth and full stomach and failed miserably, falling over in the process. The subsequent damage this did to his stomach lining caused him to be stunned. Much more of this and a visit to the hospital may be in order. Apollo then reverted to type with a sequence of baffling moves that only a buffoon at the height of tomfooleriness would attempt. This left Apollo with no chance of scoring in one turn and had the crowd hollering in derision. Polly’s Honeys and Chutneys were hurriedly withdrawn from sale so they couldn’t be used as missiles to hurl at the hapless coach.

The final turn of the half was notable for a typically stupid manoeuvre from one of the O2 Orcs. After a bought of injuryless blocks from Willy’s, Massey decided to dodge for no apparent or useful reason. Of course, the silver haired buffoon fell over, tearing a hole in his black sweater. Luckily he has plenty more at home.

Second Half
Galagher of the O2 Orcs was having a lovely dream, so he decided to continue it by staying in the Knocked Out Box. This left the O2 Orcs with 9 men, against the 11 of Willy’s. Was that an expletive I heard emanating from the Apollo coaching area? A favourable kick off roll meant Massey and Richardson sneaked closer to the Willy’s team, giving a slightly better starting position.
Sandra Lipotrim then had a quiet word in Fred’s ear about his earlier tackle on Bethicles. Able to turn full grown men to stone with just a well chosen word and a quiet glare, Sandra Lipotrim put her talent to good use. Afraid for his very life, Fred decided to stay where he was and think about what it was to cross Sandra Lipotrim and her family.

After some feeble blocks, Riley threw the ball, straight into the crowd. Apollo thought he would be ok as it went into the O2 Orc fans, but they were so miffed off about their team’s first half performance they threw the ball towards Makerfield on the Willy’s team.

Makerfield then decided to pick this ball up, a supposedly easy task. However, Makerfield decided to audition for the circus so did a bit of ball juggling, forgetting he doesn’t know how to juggle. Ball dropped, “DOH!!”

For the first time in her miserable management career, Holt decided to make a decision and block Father Pollard. The rest of the management team then realised why Holt doesn’t make decisions as she fell over, while Father Pollard was saved by divine intervention, and his Block skill. Makerfield then decided to forget about the circus so he picked the ball up, but his arm performed like a limp rag and the ball popped out of his hand to nestle in its usual place on the floor.

Tabaner started of the O2 Orc turn with a bout of dodging, but due to his untied shoelace managed to badly injure himself. Luckily, the team Apothecary stepped in and saved his miserable hide. Busy Bees then decided to show the O2 Orcs how to block and kicked seven bells out of Dave. Dave crumpled to the floor like a snotty tissue and promptly died in a puff of indignance. The team apothecary had gone for a coffee so Dave was no more. Still laughing from Holt’s earlier pathetic block, Father Pollard said a Hail Mary, picked the ball up and ran towards the endzone, away from the bunched up O2 Orc team.

The few O2 Orcs left were miles away from the ball carrier, so tried to cover as best they could. Father Pollard only had 1 Orc to get past, then it was touchdown. Unfortunately, he fell over and dropped the ball, which was gratefully caught by The Girls. Oh those chicks know how to play blood bowl.

Sandra Lipotrim’s stunning psychological attack on Fred had deeply scarred this gentle giant and he was still rooted to the spot in fear. Tabaner had no choice but to try a Go for it to make up some ground. Of course, he failed and fell over.

The Cowley Curse had struck again as he roared for another takeaway and ignored his coaches instructions. The Girls strutted their funky stuff.
Tabaner decided he’s had enough, and ran towards the Willy’s endzone in an act of pure cowardice. Riley took his little stunty ass towards The Girls, seemingly forgetting he had absolutely no chance of getting in their way.

Strangely enough, on the Willy’s go, The Girls kicked Riley in the head and strutted into the endzone. 2:0 to Willy’s Pollys.

Now in turn 7, The Girls set up near their own endzone and sat down to count their Special Skill Points earned from their fantastic performance. The O2 Orcs went for the ball, but failed immediately to leave the Busy Bees with an attempt at getting the ball. However, due to the current problems with the Bee population, an emotionally scarred Bees failed their dodge roll.

The final turn started with Hardie stepping out of the shadows. Never one to normally rock the boat, Hardie decided to attack with a 2 dice block. However, like his weak willed colleague Holt, he threw a wobbly and fell over. VR anyone? The game then petered out with a few feeble blocks and finished with a 2:0 Score line.
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