“Well, sports fans, any match in which the Beggars of Misbegot Bridge wander out to stink up the pitch is bound to be interesting... but even more so when a gang of Elves, eyes ablaze with the hope of blood and mischief, is set against them. Fortunately for the Canting Crew, the Elves must have walked through some dark mist on their way to our world, as some of them came down ill just before the game. Then again, perhaps they were put off my Ron's Smell... but who can tell? Here's how it went:

The Canting Crew, hungry as always even for a bit of leather, elected to receive, and the set about the Elves at once, knocking them around a bit and making a path for Gaspode, the team mascot. The wee pup made quite a run, but Elves are not easily pinned down, and they knocked him out right near the goal line. Unfortunately for Jarl Benzon, who made the hit, when it was over he was surrounded by Beggars, who angrily shoved him into the crowd, then picked up the ball and ran off with it... incidentally over the goal line. It took some doing to get it back from them!

The Migrated Elves answered quickly with a combination of running and passing that showed why the Elves have respect on the pitch. Drol Fairell blitzed and dodged into the end zone, where he received a quick pass from Zooey Deschanel to tie it up at one all.

The second half started with the Canting Crew kicking (which again took some convincing) to many more Elves than were on the field in the first half (they apparently managed to become accustomed to the smell). However, the fans apparently thought there hadn't been enough blood spilled in the first half, so they stormed the sidelines and beat up both refs! The gleam in the eyes of the Elves was a chilling sight, for they know ways of pain foreign to Humans... but the Beggars eyes lit up as well, since the Elves were carrying a source of food (the ball) and they were hungry!

Even as the Elves cleared a path for themselves the beggars' enthusiasm started to show. The Elves fouled a downed player, then watched as their players got hit harder and harder. They didn't give up, though, and kept throwing fouls even as Ron and his Smell kept people held in place, and soon the pitch had far fewer people on it than started the drive!

After considerable struggle the beggars triumphantly claimed the ball and started running off with it (again, fortunately in the right direction). "Slippery" Dan Carker got a little too excited, and tried to bite the ball... which tangled up his feet - he fell just a few yard short of the goal. Elf Blitzer Mr. T managed to get free and picked up the ball, but couldn't resist a chance to give the boot to Dan, laying at his feet... a choice he came to regret when the beggar with a duck on his head charged him, yelling incoherently. He was so startled that the Duck Man trampled right over him, and he was carried off the field.

In the last few seconds, the Canting Crew could have won the game, but Slippery got up from the ground and saw food nearby - he tried to bite the ball rather than carry it, and the whistle blew just as he gnawed through the outer skin, a scant few feet from the end zone.

So the game ended in a tie - remarkable for the underdog beggars. Let's hope they and their oponents bring as much enthusiasm to their next game as they did to this one.

Thanks to all my listeners and readers, and have a safe Ankh-Morpork night, if that's possible.

...
Ryanfitz played a good game, and his Elves behaved exactly as they should: ruthless, nasty, and at least as interested in chaos and maiming as in winning. Ryanfitz's chatter was entertaining and appropriate, and I look forward to any game I might get to play with him in the future. Thanks for a great game!”