“Colcas’s latest team, Swivel, consisting of Wood Elves was ready to take to the pitch against Apollo’s Rainford Khemri, whose previous game ended 1:1 with Haaaargh Haaaargh. Unfortunately, due to a writers strike, the complete match report became corrupted, so local journalist Chris “P” Bacon prepared this brief match report.

Swivel lined up with a full strength team, although had nobody held in reserve so avoiding injuries was paramount. Catcher’s “Ben Doon” and “Phil Ma Crevice” were raring to go, with “Jings”, “Crivens” and “Help Ma Boab” also up for it. “Don’t Worry” and “Be Happy” were in bullish mood, whilst “I Got A Feeling”, “That Tonight’s Gonna b” and “A Good Night” prepared with a lovely thigh rub. Only “Knob Rot” stood alone, his team mates reluctant to get too close in case his long standing illness was catching.
For Rainford, “Willybob Wilson” and “Grotbag Hodgeons” stumbled around like the mummy’s boys they are, whilst “Big Crusher Holt” and “Big Jabber Summers” discussed tactics in a way only they can. “Sweet Cheeks Willson” and “Throw Me A frikin Bone” rubbed hands to counteract their miserable agility, whilst the skeleton group of “Thin Boy Wilson”, “O So Thin”, “Where De Go”, “skeliebobs”, “Rag & Bone”, “God I’m Starving” and “Thin Boy Pollard” compared weight loss.

With 2 of Swivel being knocked out on the very first turn, advantage was with Rainford from the start. Unfortunately from the Rainford point of view, the lack of movement coupled with the fast paced Swivel team’s ability to get in the way, meant progress to the end zone was painfully slow. Swivel started to display an enviable ability to stand firm in the way of 2 dice blocks and eventually succeeded in knocking the ball out of the hands of the Rainford ball carrier. The superior pace and fantastic dodge skills of Swivel meant the endzone was swiftly in sight and “That tonight’s gonna b” scored the quick touchdown. The home side went wild, as despite not having much of the ball, and Apollo’s coaching being tactically astute, Swivel somehow found themselves 1:0 up. This was the score at half time.

The second half started with Swivel in charge of the ball, a bad kick putting it in the hands of a Swivel player in the wide zone. A quick block and charge meant the ball carrier was within 1 turn of scoring an amazingly quick touchdown. An unfortunate double skull dice roll, re rolled again as double skull, meant a touchdown was inevitable. Swivel wasted a bit of time before eventually scoring, the honours going to “Knob Rot” leaving Rainford with 4 turns to score 2 touchdowns. Rainford had to go aggressive on receipt of the ball, unfortunately from the Rainford point of view, the pass was fantastically intercepted by that scourge of Rainford, “Knob Rot”. Knowing they couldn’t lose, the whole Swivel team charged forward, leaving “Knob Rot” with a simple throw to pave the way for a third touchdown. “Knob Rot” had a moment though and nerves got the better of him, resulting in a fumble. The charge forward left the Swivel half wide open and “Thin Boy Pollard” slowly made his way towards the Swivel endzone, scoring in the last turn of the fame.
To summarise, Apollo did a fantastic coaching job, playing probably his best tactical game yet. Unfortunately, apart from knocking 2 Swivel players out in the first turn, Apollo had no luck whatsoever with his 2 dice blocks. Swivel’s amazing dodging skills meant only 1 dodge roll was failed all match, and when coupled with the team’s greater movement meant a Swivel win was almost inevitable after the first touchdown. Colcas played to the team strengths and overall the 2 coaches played like the experienced pro’s they are. If this is a sign of things to come, then maybe that elusive first win against Colcas is just around the corner for the luckless Apollo.
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