“Tonights match pitted Apollo’s Rainford Khemri against the newly created Thor’s Boys of Colcas. It would be normal for the more experiences Rainford to be favourites for the match, but with Apollo being their coach the advantage was negated by the inevitable buffoonery to come. Kick off was taken by Thor’s, and the match was underway.

Turn 1 started with some good tactical blocking from Rainford, with “Turkey n Stuffing” of Thor’s being knocked out. More good tactics left only “Sweet Cheeks Willson” to pick up the ball, which he of course failed to do, despite his sure hands. Thor’s started off without causing much damage but then “Salt n Vinegar” showed typical acidity by following his initial block with a second due to his frenzy skill. This second block resulted in the unlucky “Skeliebobs” being killed, the shock being so much he couldn’t even regenerate. Turn 1 then came to an end, a very tactical turn of very little excitement apart from the killing of “Skeliebobs”.

Turn 2 started with “Grotbag Hodgeons” attacking “Scampi n Lemon” whose fishiness couldn’t stop him from being seriously injured, a Groin Sprain being the painful outcome. “Ready Salted” was then stunned before “Sweet Cheeks” went for the ball again, with the same disastrous results as turn 1, his sure hands again failing to pick the ball up. Evil glares emanated from the narrowed eyes of Apollo and “Sweet Cheeks” knew he better get his act together. “Pickled Onion” decided to show his strength, promptly knocking “Where De Go” out and off the pitch. Nothing else of note happened from Thor’s so the turn ended.

Turn 3 began with “Prawn Cocktail” being badly hurt by “O So Thin” and “Cheese n Chive” suffering the same fate from “Grotbag Hodgeons”. “Willybob Wilson” decided to join in the fun, but this was a block too far, and “Willybob” only succeeded in falling over himself. Unfortunately for Rainford, they still hadn’t gained control of the ball. Nevertheless, a fantastic start from Rainford meant Thor’s only had 7 men left on the field compared to Rainford’s 9, a fantastic bloodbath of a start. Thor’s Boys didn’t manage to injure any of the opposing team, despite 5 blocks, although the turn ended with the Onion brothers, “Pickled” and “Cheese n” close to “Sweet Cheeks Willson” and the ball.

Turn 4 started with Apollo covering the Onion brothers with some good tactical play, before “Sweet Cheeks” finally picked up the ball and ran off with it, before successfully passing to “Throw Me A frikin Bone”, who dodged out of his tackle zone and ran into the Thor’s half. This brave (or stupid) move went against everything Rainford’s low agility should allow, yet worked and was reward for Apollo’s steady start to the game. Colcas started to wonder if Apollo had been getting coaching tips from some other source. Colcas had no option other than to attempt some risk of his own. “Beef n Onion” successfully dodged to cover the Rainford ball carrier, before Smoky Bacon did some dodging of his own, stunned “Throw Me”, knocking the ball clean out of his hands. “Beef n Onion” failed to pick the ball up though and Colcas brought the turn to an end.

The beginning of turn 5 had Apollo surrounding the ball in Thor’s half, leaving Rainford with an excellent chance of scoring a touchdown within 2 turns. However, the eternal problem of picking the ball up meant “Big Jabber Summers” simply toyed with it, failing to gain control and scattering it away from the Rainford pack. “Pickled Onion” then ran back to create a tackle zone next to the ball whilst “Spicy Tomato” ran round to cover the touchline side of the Rainford pack. “Beef n Onion” then pushed “O So Thin” over, which in turn pushed the ball out of all Rainford tackle zones. What had so recently looked like a Rainford touchdown, now looked like the stalemate would continue to half time. With 5 of the Rainford players being prone, Apollo’s options for the next turn were severely limited.

A couple of unexciting blocks started turn 6, before “O So Thin” dodged towards the ball, fell over, and was promptly stunned. Luckily for Apollo the ball bounced back towards his own players tackle zone. “Pickled Onion” laughed at the tackle zone, stepping into it, picking the ball up and dodging out to run into the Rainford Half. “Pickled” then threw the ball perfectly to “Ready Salted”. “Big Crusher Holt” was marking “Ready Salted” but “Cheese n Onion” soon saw to that, blocking “Big Crusher” into the ground and knocking her out to the pain of the knocked out box. “Ready Salted” had to laugh as he could see the touchline in the distance, with no Rainford player anywhere near him. “Ready Salted” charged towards the endzone, pulling up only 2 squares from a touchdown. An amazing turnaround had occurred from the beginning of turn 5 to the end of turn 6. Colcas allowed himself a smug smile, whilst Apollo simply muttered chuntered and generally show signs of unhappiness.

Turn 7 started with “Thin Boy Pollard” attempting to reach “Ready Salted”, which he managed with a go for it. For some strange reason though, Apollo did not instruct him to blitz, meaning “Ready” only had to make a relatively simple dodge to score a touchdown. Apollo was again showing his inability to complete a half of blood bowl without making an error of judgement. Perhaps buoyed by this anger, “Grotbag Hodgeons” picked on “Beef n Onion” causing a pinched nerve, banishing “Beef” from the game. This left Thor’s with only 6 players on the field, Rainford themselves only having 8. “Cheese n Onion” blitzed poor “Thin Boy Pollard” out of “Ready Salted’s” tackle zone, leaving “Ready” with the simple task of stepping over the touchline to score, 1:0 to Thor’s.

Turn 8 started with “Willybob Wilson” injuring “Cheese n Onion”, dispatching him to the badly injured bench. This left Thor’s with only 5 players on the field, so “Thin Boy Wilson” went for the ball, but the goon failed to pick it up. Colcas decided not to attempt anything at the end of the turn so decided to finish the half, and what a bloodthirsty one it had been with no less than 6 players being injured. Colcas really worried for the second half.

The second half began with “Turkey n Stuffing” staying in the knocked out box, leaving Thor’s with only 5 players on the pitch, then to add insult to injury Rainford were awarded an extra reroll. Surely Apollo would win this game at a canter, there being 2 Rainford players to every 1 of Thor’s.

Turn 1 for Thor’s consisted of a few feeble blocks, followed by “Smoky Bacon” failing to pick the ball up. Colcas then waited for the inevitable onslaught. “Spicy Tomato” was stunned immediately before Apollo made one of his all too familiar tactical blunders. Ignoring all his free players just waiting for instructions, Apollo sent “O So Thin” towards the ball but ran straight into a tackle zone, and promptly fell out of it, stunning himself. All in all, a weak turn from a team that should really be making their numerical advantage count.

“Ready Salted” started turn 2 by knocking “Thin Boy Wilson” out, leaving a very strange field layout. Despite being severely outnumbered, the bottom half of the field had 4 active Thor’s players in compared to 1 from Rainford. Oh Apollo, when will you learn? Surely the unthinkable couldn’t happen and Thor’s actually score? “Pickled Onion” ran deep into the Rainford half before “Smoky Bacon” picked the ball up, successfully threw a Long Bomb to “Pickled Onion”, who easily collected it. The crowd simply could not believe it. Only 4 active players on the field yet Thor’s were painfully close to scoring. The crowd waited to see what further buffoonery Apollo could inflict on them. Apollo finally decided to play tactically and ordered the players who had been standing still at the top of the field to come towards the ball. “Rag & Bone” and “Where De Go” surrounded ball carrier “Pickled Onion” before “Throw Me A frikin Bone” blitzed in but only succeeded in pushing “Pickled Onion” back despite having 4 dice to attack with.

The layout of Apollo’s defence meant “Pickled Onion” only had 1 simple dodge roll to make at the start of turn 3, which he easily made. Charging towards the endzone, “Pickled” failed his go for it, but a successful team reroll meant he charged into the endzone to score his team’s second touchdown. Colcas and the crowd went absolutely ballistic. Surely there hasn’t been a touchdown scored by a team so outnumbered. Apollo really couldn’t believe his eyes, although maybe with hindsight he could see that he had contributed to his own downfall. With 5 fit players, and 1 knocked out, Thor’s still thought they could hold out for the win, although accepted they would almost certainly concede at least once. Kick off had “Turkey n Stuffing” staying knocked out leaving Thor’s 5 heroes to hopefully see out the match. Rainford started by charging into the Thor’s half, stunning “Ready Salted” and knocking “Pickled Onion” over in the process. “Throw Me A frikin Bone” picked the ball up and successfully threw it to “Big Crusher Holt”, who unfortunately for Rainford promptly dropped it.

Turn 4 continued with the heroic Thor’s defying the odds. Despite only having 2 players in deep field, Thor’s not only managed to clear the zones around the ball, but “Smoky Bacon” managed to pick it up. “Spicy Tomato” then dodged out of his tackle zones to help the ball carrier, but unfortunately for him fell over. “Big Crusher Holt” stunned “Smoky Bacon”, knocking the ball out if his hands, but it managed to stay in play away from the Rainford players. “O So Thin” then fouled “Pickled Onion”, badly hurting him and knocking him out of the game. This meant all 3 of the “Onion” brothers were now off the field, leaving only 4 Thor’s players on the field, and 1 of those stunned.

Having very little choice, turn 5 had “spicy Tomato” running towards the top of the field for a rest, whilst “Salt n Vinegar” fell over trying to dodge out of his tackle zone. “Thin Boy Pollard” ran into the endzone, waiting hopefully for someone to throw the ball to him. “Big Crusher Holt” ran for the ball but failed to pick it up, a team reroll rectifying this. “Big Crusher” then ran to the goal line before attempting a simple pass to the waiting “Thin Boy”, which was successful. “Thin Boy was so grateful, he refused to catch the simple pass, leaving the ball to drop back out of the endzone into the field of play. Despite seeming like a silly move, Apollo really had little choice if he needed to at least draw the game, there being only 3 turns after this to the end of the game.

“Salt n Vinegar” started turn 6 by going for the ball, but failed to pick it up, leaving the ball between “Smoky Bacon” and “Big Crusher Holt”. “Big Jabber Summers” charged towards “Smoky Bacon” knocking him out, leaving Thor’s with only 3 players on the field against the 9 of Rainford. Unfortunately for “Big Jabber” her attempt to pick the ball up failed yet another chance had passed Rainford by.

Turn 7 started with “Salt n Vinegar” dodging out of his tackle zones going for the ball, but he tripped, fell, and ended the turn almost before it had begun. Could Rainford finally capitalise on this? Rainford had 3 players on the Thor’s goal line and the ball was lying totally free of tackle zones nearby. This was Apollo’s chance. We should have guessed. “Big Jabber Summers” went for the ball and failed, scattering it right next to the prone “Salt n Vinegar”.

Final turn and “Salt n Vinegar” stood up, dodged towards the ball, successfully picked it up, then threw the perfect pass to “Spicy Tomato”, who had been totally ignored by the whole Rainford pack. “Spicy Tomato” caught the ball and ran deep into the Rainford half. This was ridiculous. If there was 1 more turn left, Thor’s could have defied the odds to score again. As it was, there was now no chance of Rainford scoring, a fact that caused a massive grin to appear on Colcas’s face, while Apollo cold only grimace and curse the stupidity that is “Big Jabber Summers”. Apollo took out his frustration on “Salt n Vinegar”, who was badly hurt and out of the game. “Grotbag Hodgeons” then fouled “Ready Salted”, knocking him out, although she did get sent off for her troubles. This left the final whistle leaving only 1 Thor’s players on the pitch, and he was the one holding the ball.

So ended one of the most blood thirsty games ever between these two arch enemies. The severity of the Rainford attacks was only matched by the amazing against the odds touchdowns of Thor’s and the fact the match ended with the ball in the hands of the only Thor’s player left pretty much summed it up. ”