“Colcas’s newly formed, fast paced team of Skaven, Ariba Ariba, took to the field against the far more experienced Rainford Khemri of Apollo0360. There being a massive gap in skill levels, Colcas hoped the handicap system would allow his team to provide competitive opposition.

Ariba received 2 handicaps, but one of these turned out to be of no help at all Rainford not having any players with niggling injuries. The other was of great use though, dropping the Rainford rerolls from 3 to 1 for the first half.

A torrential downpour greeted Turn 1, which started with Rainford kicking to Ariba, and some astute blocking and dodging allowed “Speed” to pick up the ball and race into the Rainford half, albeit leaving himself rather open to attack. Rainford did indeed blitz “Speed” but with a total of 4 dice, was only able to push him back, “Speed” side stepping into the comfort zone of 2 team mates. Rainford then played a tactical half, preparing a wall of Khemri between the ball and the endzone.

Turn 2 saw Ariba playing dirty, “Skink” fouling “Dead Man Walking” who fell to the floor, stunned. “Throwier” then attempted a risky 1 dice block, but with the help of a reroll, managed to stun “Rag & Bone”. This left a gap for ball carrier “Speed” to throw the ball to “Block Boy”, who easily caught it. Having had his tackle zones removed by “Throwier’s” earlier block, “Block Boy” then ran deep into the Rainford half, supported by 4 team mates. “God Im Starving” then attempted an easy 2 dice block on “Speed” but only succeeded in knocking both over. For some reason, Apollo opted not to use his solitary reroll, muttering something about not wanting to risk the dice. Colcas pointed out that not using it had guaranteed him a touchdown, which really should be the think Apollo was trying to prevent.

Turn 3 simply saw “Block Boy” run unchallenged into the Rainford endzone, making the score 1:0 to Ariba. Rainford started off with a 2 dice block on poor old “skink”, but the brave lineman stood up to it. Apollo then controversially decided to use his re roll; maybe the words of Colcas had struck a chord. The buffoon Apollo paid for this decision with both players hitting the floor, causing a turnover.

Turn 4 saw Ariba continue their daring attacking play, with no less than 6 players entering the Rainford half. The only Rainford player anywhere near the ball was “Sweet Cheeks Willson” who needed the turn of his life to save a further touchdown. Unfortunately, “Sweet Cheeks” failed to deliver, and failed to pick the ball up. Apollo had however tried his best to prevent Ariba having an easy route to the ball by laying down a decent defence.

“Speedier” started turn 5 by charging straight towards the ball, which was lying peacefully in a “Sweet Cheeks” tackle zone. “Sweet Cheeks” could only look on in horror as “Speedier” bent down to pick up the ball. Unfortunately, the atrocious conditions meant the ball slipped out of “Speedier’s” hands, straight into the arms of “Sweet Cheeks” who promptly dropped it, leaving the ball in the Rainford endzone. “Speedier” then made up for his earlier buffoonery by blitzing “Speedier” out of the way, before picking the ball up and running away from his own endzone. Some excellent blocking followed, although no injuries were caused, before “Where De Go” tried a block too far and only succeeded in knocking himself over.

Some amazing dodging by Ariba at the start of turn 6, left “Sweet Cheeks” surrounded by 3 Ariba players, who not only knocked him off the ball, but managed to gain possession as the ball fell into the grateful arms of “Speedy”. Colcas’s luck was however mirrored by Apollo, when he blitzed poor “Speedy” knocking the ball into the receiving arms of Rainford’s “Rag & Bone”. Several more blocks were then made, but again no injuries were caused. There had not been a single injury to either team so far, and the crowd were far from happy with this rather gentlemanly game.

“Slink” started turn 7 by blitzing ball carrier “Rag & Bone”, the ball flying out of his hands before bouncing between 3 players, none of who could catch it, and coming to rest on the floor between the 2 Rainford players. “Speedier” then made a mad dash for the ball, and fell over, the ball scattering closer to the Rainford endzone. “Sweet Cheeks Willson” then made a dash for the ball, but also fell over in this madcap turn.

Turn 8 saw “Speedier” going for the ball to score that second touchdown. By this time it had become apparent that the ball was behaving more like a bar of soap than a football, at once again evaded a player and slipped out of “Speedier’s hands. Just for the hell of it, “Sweet Cheeks Willson” made one final try for the ball, of course failing and thus ending the half in a state of farce.

The second half started with a bad kick from Ariba, allowing Apollo to hand the ball to “Who’s The Daddy”, before “Willybob Wilson” knocked “Slink” out, giving Rainford an instant man advantage. Quite a defensive turn from Rainford, who preferred to protect ball carrier “Who’s” despite him being big enough to take care of himself. Rainford were in serious danger of having too many men round the ball, seriously limiting their options. Some good Ariba blocking and moving meant that Rainford were now bogged down with the ball.

Turn 2 started with “Where De Go” stunning “Block Boy” but this also resulted in the last gap being filled for the Ariba defence. There really was nowhere for Rainford to go from here. Ariba then made a few blocks without causing injury, but then decided to rest on their laurels. After all, they were winning 1:0 so the emphasis was on Rainford to attack.

Turn 3 saw “Willybob Wilson” badly hurting “Block Boy” with a well placed foul, before “Sweet Cheeks Willson” made a small step forward as cover. It had taken Rainford 3 turns to move the ball 3 squares into the Ariba half. Were they playing for a 1:0 loss, the crowd asked? This spout of bad tactical play meant Ariba had organised their troops to get a nice hit on “Who’s The Daddy”, knocking the ball clean out of his hands, into the hands of “Throw Me A frikin Bone”, who promptly dropped it in surprise. “Speed” then pushed “Big Crusher Holt” into the ball, which bounced favourably straight back into “Speed’s” hands. What a turn around.

Turn 4 saw some feeble blocking resulting in “speed” still in control of the ball, who then dodged away from the Rainford blockers up to the half way line, with “Speedy” and “Speediest for company. “Speedier” was not as lucky, stunning himself whilst attempting a dodge.

Turn 5 saw Apollo calling some decent plays, although as usual, this happened because he had no other options. Apollo did get lucky as after knocking the ball out of “speed’s” hands it went straight to “Speedy”, who couldn’t hold onto it. Farce was to follow with “Grotbag Hodgeons “ going for the ball but only knocking it into the hands of “Speediest” who then dropped it into the hands of “Speedy” who also dropped it, the ball finally coming to rest on the floor. “Speedy” then picked the ball up, ran towards “Throwier” but failed miserably to throw the ball accurately.

There then followed 3 turns of downright tomfoolery where neither team could pick the ball up. Such was the sheer buffoonery of these moves, words do not exist to accurately explain them, suffice to say, the ball gently jiggled across the field until the final turn.

This final turn had the ironic sight of “Sweet Cheeks Willson” actually picking the ball up, although it was now far too late to score a touchdown, Apollo having not moved any of his other players towards the endzone. “Big Jabber Summers” restored the natural order of things though, failing to catch “Sweet Cheek’s” perfect pass. The game therefore ended 1:0 to Ariba Ariba.

In the end, Apollo’s conservative tactics ensured the ball was always surrounded, giving his players no options to choose from and ultimately losing the ball due to overcrowding. Apollo should surely learn that surrounding the ball very rarely works, except for the opposition.
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