“The strong Willys Pollys team took to the field against the rookies of Ashton Lizards. After their 1:0 defeat to the Rainford Khemri, Wills had returned to form with a 2:0 win over the Wigan Boot Boys. This had allowed Willys to recruit a new player to the team, “The Boy Joshter” making his debut in professional Blood Bowl. The Lizards were slightly apprehensive before the game as their coach Apollo had only won 1 game in 10 against the mighty Colcas, and they couldn’t afford any injuries, there being only 11 players in the team. It was noted that several Ashton players were named after the colour of their skin, Apollo displaying signs of inert racism and no doubt wondering when his membership of the BNP was up for renewal.

A bad kick off from Willy meant Apollo could give the ball to the badly misspelled “Abuaker”, before “Morris” blitzed the weaker “Leonster”, without causing any damage. Apollo then called a “Polly” forgetting the Big Guy rule and ordering big “Boris” to block “The Girls”. The dreaded double skulls were clear to see for everyone, “Boris” falling to the ground with great indignity. Making his first play of the game, “The Boy Joshter” covered ball carrier “Abuaker” before the wild animal that is “Cowley Curse” charged straight into the hapless “Abu”. Only managing to push him back initially, “Cowley Curse’s” frenzied attack allowed a second block, knocking poor “Abuaker” out and off the field and the ball free into the adjoining field space. A few Willys blocks saw no further injuries, but “Busy Bees” ran to the ball, managing to pick it up safely. What a fantastic first turn for Colcas, Apollo only able to sit there muttering unsavoury things about big guys.

Turn 2 saw Apollo sending a troop of lizardmen to surround “Busy Bees”. However, Apollo appeared to have taken his eye of the ball, and the fear of a big attack meant he didn’t actually create any tackle zones around the disbelieving “Busy”, giving him 1 simple Blitz and a few Go For It’s to score. His sure feet and the ability to sprint meant “Busy” was confident he would score on his next turn. Apollo finished his turn by sending “Morris” in for a blitz, unfortunately falling at the feet of “Cowley Curse”. Apart from creating a few tackle zones, Colcas left the glory to “Busy Bees”, who blitzed straight through “Slippy” before scoring the touchdown, 1:0 to Willys.

Turn 3 say Ashton with e ball. In a bout of attacking tactical play, “Whippet” picked the ball up and ran into the Wills half, but whilst trying to dodge past “Leonster” fell over twice, losing the ball, which bounced through the hands of “Rusty” to land between “Sandra Lipotrim” and “Scooby”. “Leonster” then blitzed “Rusty” into the ball, moving it away from the Ashton players. “Sandra Lipotrim” then attempted to pick the ball up, but failed miserably, the ball ending up on the floor again.

Apollo had no choice in turn 4 but to order his team to ignore the odds against them, and go for the ball. This approach was rewarded when “Red Skin” ran into several tackle zones, picked the ball up, then dodged away from every Willys player to stand 1 move away from a touchdown. Colcas could not believe it, but the proof was there. More tactically astute play saw every Willys player in an Ashton tackle zone. A good turn from Apollo, leaving Colcas with some thinking to do if he was to prevent an Ashton touchdown. Colcas started in a mean mood, and it showed. The man mountain of “Cowley Curse” dropped a mountain of lard on poor little “Whippet”, causing a fractured leg that would haunt him for the rest of his life and banishing him to the seriously injured tent. To rub this in, the Ashton apothecary had taken a day off, and was not there to heal poor “Whippet”. “In” then blitzed ball carrier “Red Skin”, knocking the ball out of his hands to lie next to the touchline. Colcas then called a “Polly”, ordering “Busy Bees” to move towards the ball, forgetting he was being marked by “Boris”. “Busy” promptly fell over, leaving Colcas to castigate himself for such a beginner’s error.

Turn 5 saw “Leather Head” charge into the lion’s den in an attempt to pick the ball up, failing miserably ending the turn prematurely for Ashton. “In” pushed “Leather Head” into the ball, which disappeared into the crowd, only to reappear bang in the middle of 5 Willys players, to groans from Apollo. A few uninteresting blocks followed, before “The Girls” knocked themselves over blocking “Black Skin”.

“Boris” decided to blitz “The Boy Joshter” in turn 6. Disability groups everywhere were up in arms as “The Boy” could not move his wheel chair out of the way despite being able to look in 2 directions at once, and was promptly stunned. Colcas was apoplectic with rage, and vowed to have his revenge and destroy these disablist lizards once and for all. These moves allowed “Green Skin” to get the ball and stand alone in the middle of the Willys half, the endzone a tantalising 1 turn away. Apollo sent “Slippy” through half the Wills defence to back “Green Skin” up, but unfortunately for Apollo he fell over, stunning himself in the process. “Busy Bees” blitzed “Green Skin” but he stood up to the test and was only pushed back, causing much concern for Colcas. Risky calls were needed, and these were made and passed, some excellent dodging allowing Willys to form a cage around poor old “Green Skin”. Colcas then ended the turn waiting to see what miracle Apollo could come up with.

The miracle though was not to happen. “Red Skin” charged into the endzone and “Green Skin” attempted to throw the ball, despite the attention of all those Willys players. The carefully constructed cage of Willys players then did their job perfectly, “Ashton” intercepting the ball with a leap of balletic grace. “Ashton” then ran off with the ball before making the perfect pass to “Father Pollard” who not only caught it, but lumbered towards the Ashton endzone. “Pollards” low movement meant he would need to make 4 Go For It’s in 2 turns to score, and he decided to fail on the very first one meaning a touchdown was now almost impossible for Willys.

Ashton’s slight chance of scoring in turn 8 was ruined when “Abuaker” failed to pick the thing up, despite there being no standing Willys player within touching distance. Willys then also failed to pick the ball up, leaving the half time score at 1:0 to Willys.

The Second half started with the ball being kicked deep into the Willys half. Some ineffectual blocking caused no injuries, before “Ashton” picked the ball up on his second attempt. A few tactical moves followed from Ashton, but the turn was ended when “Boris” knocked both himself and “The Girls” over.

Turn 2 started with “Bethicles” revealing her darker side and attacking “Leather Head” with the fury only possible from a Pollard female. No one can withstand such an attack, and “Leather Head” was killed outright, leaving Ashton with only 9 Lizards on the pitch and the odds really stacking up against them. Ball carrier “Ashton” then strolled into the Ashton half, protected by 5 team mates. “Boris” then displayed his inherent stupidity and decided to have nothing to do with this turn. There being very little else Ashton could do, “Black Skin” dodged towards “Ashton”, managing to push him back, but “Rusty’s” attack was less successful, managing only to fall over, causing much mirth to “Father Pollard” stood next to him.

Turn 3 saw yet more Lizard blood spilled, “Sandra Lipotrim” belying her slight frame to badly hurt “Green Skin”, reducing Ashton to 8 players. Several more blocks followed although no injuries were caused. “Ashton” ran the ball into the Ashton half, leaving his supporting team mates behind, a move described as brave or stupid, depending on your viewpoint. “Slippy” decided to prove the move had been stupid, but instead made himself look like an idiot by falling over whilst trying to dodge, stunning himself in the process. A second touchdown for Ashton was almost inevitable.

“Ashton” ran up to the goal line at the start of turn 4, but decided not to risk the extra movement in case he fell over. Lizard blood then continued to flow like the tears pouring from Apollo’s eyes, “Leonster” badly hurting “Black Skin”, reducing Ashton to 7 players. Willys finished with “The Girls” knocking herself over as well as “Slippy”. Apollo only had one option, but a misheard call meant “Scooby” charged towards “Ashton” but made no tackle, simply standing there. Apollo simply groaned. “Red Skin” then ran over to help “Scooby”, but not only failed to get there, fell over and knocked himself out. As if Willys needed any help hurting the Ashton lizards.

Turn 5 saw yet another lizard injury, “Busy Bees” smashing the knee of “Morris” to pieces, seriously injuring him for the rest of his life. “Morris” was stretchered off to lie alongside “Whippet” in the seriously injured tent. “Ashton” then made the simple dodge into the endzone to score, but in an act of sheer buffoonery fell over, badly hurting himself in the process. What a lifeline for Ashton, the score staying at 1:0, although Apollo only had 5 players on the pitch against the 10 of Willys. “Scooby” however wanted to extinguish any faint glimmer of hope for his coach, and failed to pick the ball up.

Turn 6 saw the inevitable lizard casualty, this time it was big guy “Boris” knocked out, by the stars of the game, “Busy Bees”. The rest of Willys turn was taken up with simple moves designed to pressurise the ball, still lying in the Ashton endzone. ”Scooby” then showed his famed lack of agility, and again failed to pick the ball up, it landing at the feet of the grateful “In” and “Bethicles”.

The excitable Colcas then had a rush of blood to the head in turn 7 and did a “Polly”, sending “The Girls” on a mission to push “Scooby” into the crowd, totally forgetting about the marking “Abuaker”. Not only did “The Girls” fall over, they badly hurt themselves in the process. Disaster for Willys, leaving Apollo to chuckle to himself, the first time that had happened in the whole game. “Scooby” then pushed “In” over, but “Abuaker” undid his earlier good work by knocking himself out trying to go for the ball.

The final turn meant Willys needed to clear a space around the ball to allow the leaden footed “Bethicles” a chance to score. “Busy Bees” charged into “Scooby” but only succeeded in pushing him back, leaving the ball in a tackle zone. It was time for “Bethicles” to invoke the power of the pollard female again. Stepping into the ball square, “Bethicles” hit the 5 she needed to pick it up. Breathless with anticipation, Bethicles attempted the dodge needed to allow her to score, hitting the 4 needed before skipping merrily into the endzone. What a turn from “Bethicles”, who ironically is the product of a genetic experiment between Apollo, Colcas and Sandra Lipotrim, able to call all 3 of them her parents. As if things couldn’t get any worse for Apollo, just before kickoff “Abuaker” was hit by a rock thrown from the Willys crowd, badly hurting him. Colcas was almost in tears at this moment, Ashton now having only 5 players on the field. Apollo was left to make a few blocks to finish the game off, but “Boris” decided to take no part in this final turn to further frustrate Apollo. The very last act of the game saw “Slippy” picking the ball up before passing to “Red Skin” who unfortunately failed to catch it.

So the game finished 2:0 to Willys, overall a pretty comprehensive win with 6 of the Ashton team being knocked off the pitch, 2 of those with long term injuries and poor old “Leather Head” dead. It had all been too much for the lizards, and Apollo made the difficult decision to save them from more harm by putting the team out to pasture and retiring them. Colcas was overjoyed at the win, 3 of his players gaining extra skills and another Colcas’s win ratio over Apollo again improving. Perhaps the most emotional point of the whole game was the sight of Colcas’s son “The Boy Joshter” wheeling himself around the pitch, shouting in joy at surviving the unprovoked attack from “Boris” early in the game. It was this attack that caused Willys to play with more savagery than usual, resulting in the retirement of the Lizard team.
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