“Chapter 12

“There’s one,” called out Surfer Girl.
“Where? I don’t see anything,” replied Balboa Blue.
They were playing one of their favourite games – spot the mutation. They played it whenever Hang Eleven were drawn against a chaos opponent. It helped to pass the time and was a lot easier than training.
Surfer Girl pointed.
“There! The one with the hand.”
Balboa Blue looked down at his own hand, comparing it with the one he could see on the beastman Surfer Girl was indicating. The beastman’s was a good deal more furry, but it still had the right number of fingers.
“Nope. Don’t see it.”
“The hand, dude. He’s the only one without a claw so he must be the one with the mutation. Ha, ha.”
It wasn’t exactly true. In fact, only five of the chaos team had claws instead of hands, but the entire team was clearly being bred for one purpose, and that was to kill opponents. Claw Thank You was an apt name for them.
“I hate these games,” said Coach Robsson as he wandered up to see why his players weren’t training. “They’re such a waste of players.”
“Meh, whaddaya gonna do?” said Balboa Blue philosophically. “You win some, you lose some, you die. That’s life.”
“Not if you die,” said Surfer Girl. “That’s not life, dude.”
“Whatever, nerd.”

Coach Robsson was still finding it hard to come to terms with the carefree attitude his players had with death. All his previous wood elf teams had been obsessed with staying alive, but the players of Hang Eleven really didn’t seem to care one way or the other. He was trying his hardest to adopt the mindset himself, but it would take him a while yet.
In the meantime, there were formalities to attend to.
“Hey, guys,” he said. “Want to come over and meet the other coach with me? Looks like it could be a lot of fun.”
The three of them wandered over to where the chaos team was busy putting on their armour. Coach Robsson looked but he couldn’t see his opposite number so he tapped the ball boy on the shoulder.
“Hey, lad. Where can I find your coach?”
The ball boy spun round.
“ME COACH! ME STUDMAN!” he bellowed, the words flying out among a shower of saliva.
Coach Robsson wiped himself down and held out his hand.
“Well, erm, Studman. Nice to meet you. Good luck and all that.”
Studman gave another bellow.
“ME NOT Studman. ME STUDMAN!”
Coach Robsson nodded sagely, still managing to keep a straight face despite the snickering from behind him.
“STUDMAN,” he said slightly louder. “Of course. “Well anyway, I just wanted to say hello and good luck…”
“STUDMAN NO NEED LUCK. WE GONNA KILL YOU ALL AND KILL YOU ALL AGAIN. ME HATE STUPID WOOD ELF. NO FUN.”
Surfer Girl was starting to lose it. Coach Robsson was beginning to enjoy himself.
“Well,” he said with a smile. “I won’t mind if you want to concede the game and go and look for a more interesting match. Although I’m sure we can try and get injured in interesting ways for you if you’d like.”
Studman began to turn bright red. Looking at him, Coach Robsson reaslised what people meant when they said someone’s eyes were about to pop out of their head. With creatures of chaos, Robsson wondered whether that was actually possible.
“CONCEDE? CONCEDE? WE DON’T GONNA CONCEDE. WE GONNA BASH YOU BAD FER THAT!”
Coach Robsson nodded again.
“Yes, yes. I understand. Blood for the Blood God, eh?” He made his hands into claws. “Grrr! and all that.”
“BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!” the entire chaos team suddenly chorused.
Surfer Girl could no longer contain herself and she burst of laughing.
“Are you guys for real? I mean, honestly…Studman? What kind of a name is Studman?”
“STUDMAN!” bellowed Studman with more saliva.
“What, you’re a big hit with the ladies?” She looked the little man up and down. It didn’t take long. “I think not, dude.”
Studman gave another growl of rage and beat his chest. The other beastmen did the same.
“ME STUDMAN!”
It was time to start the match. Coach Robsson was still having a lot of fun, but he thought he ought to call it a day.
“Well,” he said. “Out here, after the match, we praise the winning coach with the title, Troglodyte. I’ll be happy to…concede… the title to you if that turns out to be you.”
As the three of them returned to their own side of the pitch, they did so to the constant bellowing of Coach Studman.
“ME TROGLODYTE! ME ALWAYS TROGLODYTE! ME CRUSH YOU ALL. YOU NOT TROGLODYTE, ME TROGLODYTE!”
Balboa Blue practically had to carry Surfer Girl she was laughing so much.


* * * * *


The match went as expected. Well, in so far as the chaos team spent a lot of time trying to kill the wood elves and then kill them again. Sadly, they actually succeeded in doing exactly that. Surfin Safari was hit so hard he died right there on the pitch, but Doc Onholiday had been expecting something of the sort and he rushed on with his special bag of herbs and ointments. After a few frantic seconds Surfin Safari gave a gurgling cough began to breath again and Doc Onholiday heaved a huge sigh of relief. Unfortunately, the beastman, Cas Causer, was unhappy with this new state of affairs and promptly went and killed him all over again, right in front of the shocked apothecary.
Apart from that, it was a relatively painless afternoon for Hang Eleven, with a damaged leg for Depth Charge being the only other result the chaos team had to show for an entire game’s-worth of kicking and punching.
“Meh, It’s a scratch,” said Depth Charge dismissively. “It’s nothing compared to a shark bite. You gonna go for a leg, you should at least make sure you take the whole damn thing.”
“I just loved all the shouting,” said Surfer Girl. “I’ve never heard a coach be so vocal.”
She put on a low voice and strode around the room.
“Me Studman. Me big hit with ladies. You want see? Now me eat you and then kill you.”
They all laughed. As expected, Surfin Safari’s death was not bothering them at all. They’d strap him to his board and send him out to the sharks later on and then that would be that. They’d meet the replacements, teach them a little, make fun of them a lot, and then get ready for their next game.

Sweet.

”