“As you can see from this poor report; my opponent is addicted to crystal meth. Despite the much vaunted Comic Relief initiative on television raising millions to combat addictions such as this in the grim north; Joe is still showing signs of ‘Exotic Island Syndrome’. Whilst celebrities were out recording the video for the aforementioned telethon; the Manj was cowering in an alleyway, hastily delivering favours for rocks of sweet, sweet drugs. This may have contributed to him not being able to make a three man advantage pay here and silly Big Guy GFIs, but many are speculating he’s just a supern00b.

Either way, millions of contributors and Sir Lenny Henry of Premier Inn Land will be dismayed with the gibbering mess I had to let score here. I had to, or he would have only have gotten worse.

In. The. World.”