“The Newsfight team took a well-earned break this week, taking the time to catch up on replying to fan mail, finding the perfect expressional shift from good news to sad news, and complaining about institutional ageism so as to reinforce their position as old person of the team. However, even if newsbeaters sleep, the game does not and there was a fixture to be fulfilled with no-one to fulfil it. Kirsty Warkriminal quickly came up with the idea of instead fielding a team made out of the cardboard cutouts of themselves used for book signings and public appearances, and the plan went seamlessly. Some wondered exactly how the team was so badly slaughtered but unless somebody cracks, they will never know.

It goes without saying that Kirsty could not be bothered to find even rudimentary cutouts for the interns and so they are now both, legitimately, dead. Struck down in the prime of life, desperately trying to get a plasticine model of David Doombleby to defend them. For this quick thinking in an age of austerity, she was awarded a medal.

”