“Varag Ghoul-Chewer led the Gouged Eye out to face their Chaos opponents 'Come Dine With Me': a team of Beastmen (or 'Goatz' as Varag would say) with a single Chaos Warrior. Varag didn't get why each member of the team was named after a fruit but it gave him the impression they would be 'squishy'.

Winning the toss Varag glared at his opposing number, a mutant goat named Orange with a razor sharp prehensile claw, and muttered the immortal words "I'll 'ave you." then stormed off - which was taken as an indication he intended to receive. The Eye didn't need any instruction from their captain to know the play: they would form an impregnable wall and march down the field bashing goatz with Varag holding the ball and issuing the odd command: "'It 'im!" or "Kill 'em!".

The ref blew his whistle and the ball soared deep into the Eye half. Varag watched his boyz flatten the goatz front line and swarm forward - before suddenly remembering to get the ball! Then came Orange with the counter attack; running from deep he took an arcing swipe with his cruel looking claw at line-orc Ugly Rackspite. Blood splattered across players and pitch alike and Rackspite (now and ever more a bit more ugly!) was out of the game. First blood to the goatz! Angered the Eye redoubled their efforts. Again the goat line fell before them and Hak Demoncutter leveled the numbers by KO-ing Strawberry. Having won back the momentum the Eye pressed on whilst Orange hid behind a protective wall of goatz. Finally the goat line was breached and Krug Painspear targetted the mutant beastman sending him crashing to the ground.

Two goatz made a flanking attack coming after Varag who waited just long enough for them to be out of defensive postion before rushing through the gap and landing his own hit on Orange. "An' stay down!" bellowed Varag. Orange got to his feet just in time to receive another blow, this time from line-orc Gurk Halftoad and fell to the ground winded. On the far side of the pitch the crowd cheered as they watched another battle: a ferocious clash between Chaos Warrior 'Sugar' and Black Orc Blocker Igor Blazetown. The crowed gasped as the two mighty warriors exchanged blows and then both fell to the ground. Blazetown staggered back to his feet as Sugar was stretchered off the pitch - advantage Eye!

With the end of the half drawing close Varag made a break for the endzone. In a final desperate defensive play Banana, dodging away from his marker, landed the first hit of the game on Varag but the orc captain was waiting for him and the brave goat was sent sprawling. Glancing around the field and finding a distinct lack of targets still standing Varag scored the inevitable touchdown. Gouged Eye 1-0 Come Dine With Me.

The ref called them back to play out the last few seconds of the half. There was just time for Gurk Halftoad to take a crunching hit from Plum and he joined his fellow line-orc Ugly Rackspite in the Gouged Eye 'recovery lounge' or as it is known within the team 'Da cell ov shame'.

The second half began with ten goatz receiving against just the nine orcs. But Varag's half time team talk "'It 'em or I'll 'it you!" seemed to do the trick because his team blitzed the offence - surging forward to form 'Da Wall' and landing another hit on Orange. Lemon scooped up the ball and ran in close behind the goat line as he activated a magic item protecting himself with a Force Shield! Unfortanately for Lemon chaos magic was no match for orc power and as his defensive cover was flattened before his eyes Black Orc Urfrik Skullhack charged him, sending him and the ball flying. Varag, seeing the opportunity to win the game, ran past the defending goatz, grabbed the ball and hurled it into the empty space down field - he intended to play the rest of the game in the opposition half.

Despite their extra player the goatz were no match for the Eye on the line of scrimage but they recovered their position a little when Apple blitzed down Varag and Strawberry (who had recovered from his early KO) sprinted back and collected the ball. The Eye continued to assert their midfield superiority and as Orange was sent crashing to the ground once more, Krug Painspear blitzed and KO-ed Cherry. Both teams became locked in a a rugby-like scrum in the goatz' half and with the momentum of the orcs pressing forward the goatz attempted to roll away and make a break down the left flank. Grape broke free and ran unmarked into the Eye half; Strawberry who had shrugged of a couple of challenges dodged away from his marker and looked for the key pass that could set up the equalizer. But alas, the short pass was just beyond his rookie skills and the ball never looked like reaching it's target.

Varag, who always seems to be where he is needed, soon had the ball in hand and 2-0 looked a certainty. But wait! Grape running back from his advanced postition blitzed Varag from the blindside and sent him sprawling perilously close to the sidelines (and the vicious looking Chaos fans). Not to be outdone a livid Varag was straight back on his feet and it was Grape's turn to eat some dirt.

The referee nervously looked at his watch...Varag Ghoul-Chewer was rushing for the endzone with a completely clear run in, but the time ticked down...10...9....8 if he blew his whistle now he would be linched...7...6...Varag started to slow - he wasn't going to make it! 5...4...the ref began to sweat and shake as he brought the whistle apprehensively to his lips...3...2...out of breath Varag had finally had enough and handed off the ball to Krug Painspear...1...Touchdowm! Final Score Gouged Eye 2-0 Come Dine With Me.

(Thanks for the match - I had fun, hope you did too. After his great first hit Orange had a poor game - you were a bit unlucky he didn't get another injury for you - with a rookie Chaos team you really needed the extra numbers on the pitch. Good luck with your team.)

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