“This is a classic matchup; Orcs vs High elves, first and second in the league respectively. The rookie league match between these two was a close fought one with elves coming out on top 2 - 1 thanks to an outstanding performance from the one and only father Ted Crilly.
To the match at hand - the elves, expecting some hard hits from Scented Candles, pitch in for a Bloodweiser Babe. The pointy ears win the toss and opt to receive, hoping to delay the touchdown for as long as possible while running away from the big green thugs. They weren't afraid of not scoring so much as not having any players to defend with in the second half.
1st half:

Turn 1:
Both teams start with pretty normal setups, orcs with 3 BoBs and 2 linos on the LOS, elves looking to hit the couple on the side but otherwise not compete on the LOS. Reacting quickly to the whistle, the elves gain a yard on the orcs at the beginning of the game. Kickoff is taken. The dauntless Bishop Brennan kicks a BoB up the arse. As Mrs. Doyle heads for the ball, Ted takes aim at the immoral Netflix Binge but just manages a push.
The Orcs are itching for some bashing and get some TZs on the elves. Shame stuns Noel Furlong II, as it does every night after his "alone time". Then, succinctly named star "Bar" blitzes Todd Unctious. Todd falls to the ground, unmoving. A soft Sploosh is heard as his insides turn to goo. His remains are removed from the pitch and the elves turn even paler.
Turn 2:
Ted blitzes Shame for a knockdown and the other elves dodge out of TZs, visibly shaken by Todd demise. The priests spread out across the pitch.
Paul Stone gets KO'd by a Post Nap Haze blitz while the orcs reposition.
Turn 3:
A blitzer and BoB are wrestled to the ground and Ted tries to take out Post Nap Haze, getting just a knockdown.
The greenskins get to their feet and push Noel Furlong around a bit. Larry Duff takes a blitz from bar just as he's taking a phone call from Ted. The orc goes into a frenzy after the first push, gets another push but rerolls to a POW. Duffers' armour held him together though.
Turn 4:
Bar feels the force of father Crilly's blitz as Noel Furlong takes a swing at Netflix Binge. The Orcish armour is unfortunately coated in titanium alloy.
Post Nap Haze decides he should head towards the ball but the other Orcs take no notice. Larry Duff gets pushed while Dick Byrne and Your Roommate's food exchange blow, both staying on their feet. Almost all the Orcs are in the Elven half now and Mrs. Doyle is still next to her own endzone making tea for Dougal and Austin Purcell.
Turn 5:
Fintan Stack and Larry Duff get themselves into the opposition half and the BoB Sold-out Concert gets knocked down.
Larry is promptly marked on two sides and Bar blitzes Fintan Stack to the ground. Dick Byrne falls to the floor after a smack of Shame but the Orcs do not commit any players to go after the ball carrier. They hang back around the halfway line.
Turn 6:
The elves rearrange themselves to form a very temporary cage close to the halfway line. Ted blitzes Shame and Larry Duff and Fintan Stack pulls off some nice dodges to get into scoring range. Bishop Brennan stuns Last Night's Pizza.
The scented candles smell danger now. They mark Fintan and Larry with a couple of tacklers and get tight to the loose elven cage. Post Nap Haze swats Noel out of the way and gets a TZ on Mrs. Doyle, who kindly offers him a cup of tea. Unfortunately, he does not even know what tea is.
Turn 7:
Mrs. Doyle is shocked by this revelation and calls the Bishop over to remove the green heathen. Austin Purcell runs downfield and awaits the pass from Mrs. Doyle. She makes a couple of dodges and then fires a quick pass to father Purcell, but alas the priest was thinking of what he was going to say for his next homily and dropped the ball, even with two grabs at it.
The Orcs get to work utilising all the TZs they've been left with. Ted gets stunned by Thrift Store Sweater as Dougal and Dick are brought to the ground. Bar goes on an audacious blitz, dodging between elves and orcs. He aims his fist at Austin and knocks him to the ground at the second time of asking, planting himself next to the ball. Fintan then gets stunned by Netflix Binge.
Turn 8:
Mrs. Doyle knows what has to be done. She sees Bar looming over and charges him, taking him down with some help from Austin. Grabbing the ball off the floor, she runs for the endzone with time running out. At the line she stumbles, but manages to find her feet again and gets the Touchdown as the elves' time runs out.
Elves kick off with seconds left. The orcs try to punch holes in the unlucky priests left on the LOS but only get a stun and two knockdowns. Bar thinks he'd rather have been born an elf and tries to pass the ball to Facebook Stalking who manages to catch the ball. Elves in diguise?
2nd half:

The clergy set up with three on the LOS and the rest close to halfway, ready to follow a deep kick to harrass the orcs before they can form a cage. The candles put 5 on the LOS ready for some bashing with a couple blitzers wide and a couple deep alongside the thrower.
Nuffle gives the elves a blitz! Dougal blitzes his way towards where he divines the ball will land. Austin runs with the speed of a Gutter Runner to get in position to catch the kick. The rest of the priests not stuck on the LOS get into the orcish half.

Turn 1: Kickoff is taken by a ghost and Austin fails to catch it. Not again Austin! The greenskins get to hitting and Noel and Austin get KO'd. Netflix grabs the ball after smacking Austin tries to get to safety.
Ted blitzes the ball carrier with a 1D block and knocks him down but the ball drops into the orc thrower's hands. Ted, Mrs. Doyle, Larry and Paul surround him.
Turn 2:
Dougal is marked thoroughly, presumably because he's in scoring range. Larry gets blitzed to the floor and Facebook Stalking expertly recieves the hand-off from Last Night's Pizza.
Ted takes down the thrower as Larry blitzes the lino from the ground. The ball bounces through several pairs of hands before hitting the ground in the middle of two orcs and three elves! Mrs. Doyle sees her chance and dashes in to nab the pick-up. Two bites at the cherry and she still can't hold onto it. What are you, human?
Turn 3:
The smelly candles start doing what they do best and knock out Larry and Ted. Paul's armour also fails him and he's stunned. The agile Bar swoops in and grabs the ball.
Mrs. Doyle runs between a BoB's legs to get a blitz in on Bar but she can only manage a push after two attempts.
Turn 4: Mrs. Doyle gets KO'd and the orcs form a strong cage in the middle of the park.
The elves realise they can't stop the orcs now with so few players so the try to just get some hits in and back off the mean greens.
Turn 5:
Cage moves forward, Fintan takes a hit.
Dougal fails to take down the thrower.
Turn 6:
Cage gets into scoring range. Post Nap Haze hits Dick Byrne to the floor and the steps on his hand, smashing it to pieces! The cheek!
Only pushes for the clergy.
Turn 7:
Feeling a little brave, Bar tries to hand the ball off to Is This Shirt Clean Two? but he was caught by surprise and drops it.
Dougal decides to try wallop Post Nap Haze but lo and behold, he accidentally punches himself in the face. It was fatal. Classic Dougal. The Apo is called in to save the dimwit and does a surprisingly superb job. Dougal takes his place on the bench. This sounds like good news but Dougal, having seen the void that lies beyond this life, vowed to leave the church after the match to pursue a new life as a milkman.
Turn 8:
Bar wastes no time in snatching the ball up and scoring the equalising Touchdown.
Fruitless attempts at hitting and passing are made by the priests. Into Overtime we go!

Overtime:
TenaciousPiggy won the toss and of course decided to receive. Things aren't looking good for the pointy ears as they line up with just 8 players opposite a full team of brutes. The greenies get the quick snap this time.
Turn 1:
The ball lands near to a blitzer close to the halfway line. Dougal's luck runs out when his neck is snapped like a twig by Shame. A message from an angry God perhaps?
Mrs. Doyle then gets pushed precariously close to the sideline while the thrower picks up the ball.
Austin moves around the side towards the ball carrier. Ted, panicking, tries to dodge through the line of orcs to blitz the thrower but can't even get past the first one.
Turn 2:
Bar shoves Mrs. Doyle into reserve to make tea for all the priests on the sidelines. The thrower moves into an ill-formed cage as a few elves hit the deck.
Austin immediately spots a hole in the cage and uses his considerable pace to hit the thrower from behind. The ball goes loose but lands straight in Aftershave Fumes hands. Not what Austin was looking for. He moves in on the lineorc with support from Ted. The tension is rising.
Turn 3:
Austin is knocked to the ground but Ted stays on his feet. All of the elves are marked, most by more than one orc.
Larry Duff decides he's had enough. He dodges out from between two BoBs and a blitzer and knocks the ball free from Aftershave Fumes' hands! The ball lands beside two blitzers, one of them bar. Ted thinks this is his moment. He dodges out, circles around Bar, snatches the ball up and dodges out again. In his excitement though, he tripped as he tried to get away from the touchline, in fear of the dreaded surf.
Turn 4:
The candles shuffle Austin towards the touchline but the father goes down stunned before he can leave the pitch. Bar again grabs the ball tries to bring it forward but suffers the same fate as Ted and crashes to the ground. The ball is grabbed out of the air by another lineorc. They've caught more balls than both my catchers!
Fintan Stack takes it upon himself to attack the ball carrier but falls at the first hurdles as he trips over himself trying to go past Sold-Out Concert.
Turn 5:
The candles arrange themselves into a solid cage and leave all the elves lying on the floor.
Fintan Stack just will not give up however. He makes two dodges to get into the cage and wrestles the ball carrier to the ground. The ball falls down in the middle of 4 orcs! Austin cared not and rose from the ground to make three dodges and a pickup in the middle of these greenskins. He knows what he has to do. Leaning back, aims for the open space across and down the pitch. But wait. Facebook Stalking, the elf in disguise pulls off a magnificent 7+ intercept to crush the elven hearts.
Turn 6:
The lineelf, I mean, lineorc, moves into scoring position inside a cage and Paul Stone gets Badly Hurt for his sins.
Austin Purcell can't accept defeat and tries one last time to blitz the ball carrier but gets stunned.
Turn 7:
Facebook Stalking runs in for the winning Touchdown, and the Rookie League Championship.

Well done to TenaciousPiggy, he played well and deserved the win I think. On another day maybe elf BS would have carried.
GG

p.s. this match report is way too long.”