“
E.L.F. points - 45

Diane, it's 12:16 AM on Friday, Mar 6, and we just played our first game of the new season. As you know, last season ended with us thinking we'd solved the murder of Laura Palmer, only to find out there was a twist we didn't know about. Time zones, Diane, we were undone by time zones. So I made sure everyone was up to speed on world time zones for this season. This was a brutal affair against some very rough customers who called themselves warps. I've decided to expand the search outside of Twin Peaks, so this investigation took place out near Lewis Fork. Diane, Cooper was right, the pie at the Lamplighter Inn did kill Gordon Cole. And Norma was so distraught by how good it was, she threw herself in front of a screaming star. Do you know the odds of being killed by a falling meteorite? Anyway, just when I thought I had the squad back up to full strength, I've got two new vacancies to fill. The team played great, but I let them all down on T16 when I rerolled a block into a double skull. Sam pushed the ball carrier towards me, but I just couldn't knock it loose. Agent Jeffries was waiting to score, too. I told him I was sorry, but he just went on about “Who do you think this is, there?” I have no idea what he was on about. Hank walked up to me after the match. I offered my condolences, and all he could say was "Hank Jennings - witness for the prosecution... again!" That guy really gets under my skin.

This is Chet, room 316 at the Great Northern Hotel, signing off. Man, I could use a beer right now.

Medical Report: I let 2 civilians get hurt, another killed and watched Gordon die. But when did I call on Sam's expertise? To keep Josie Packard on the pitch so she could block a lane that would have allowed the ballcarrier to escape. I'm really disappointed in myself for not coming through to knock that ball free, but the team backed me up by not allowing a score. So it was worth it in the end.

Financial Report: The Roadhouse Babes didn't do so hot the first time I called on them, but they helped out in the 2nd half. Unfortunately, we didn't uncover any stashes this time, nor did we help out any greatful locals. So the funds were a big fat bust on this one. Well, you win some and you lose some. This one was very expensive.

Epilogue: Diane, this was the team's 30th investigation. They're 20/4/6. It also saw the Bureau's CR climb to 171.11 and Coach Standing hit 30. That puts us on the first page of coaches on FUMBBL. It doesn't seem real, Diane. I hope I can live up to it.”