“‘Ere lemme me tell youse sumfing - did youse see that ludicrous display last night?
Rem Blud Red Sunz wuz playin der Shinagar…, Siniwini…, sum bunch of elves and lemme tell youse it wiz quite a fing…

Well Wakka Junior lined up his boyz for der ol’ smash and drive cause dem elves were kicking’ off but they wuz cleva see cause they punted the ball in the opposite corner from where dem orcz wiz all standin’ on der ovver side of der pitch.

So anyway der boyz start smashin’ em but der elves are quick and mean and one of dem knocks out One Ear Vaz der Black Orc - just like that! Dem Red Suz fink they’re slick and day pass der ball off to der gobbo Poor Richard and he finks he’s the nutz cause he’s jumpin up and down with der ball. Den this fancy elf in all pointy armour runs right round all der orcs and kicks Richard so hard he actually lifts off and lands miles away in a heap. Der boyz were laughing so much they didn’t realise dat elf went 'ad grabbed der ball!

Den it’s the end of the half and one side of the pitch da orc blitzer was gettin a right gud kickin from da witch elf and her mates and on the other everyone else wuz scrappin’, ah it wiz a fair old sight. Suddenly dat fancy elf has got the ball and another one has made a break for the orcz end zone and if he can chuck da ball over all dem fighters den it’s a sure fing! But he only goes and drops it straight into da crowd and dat wiz the end of dat!

So second half dem elves is ready to catch and der orcz well they look a bit wary now cause dey got beat up hard in the first half. So dey start der scrap again and the orcz is tuff but den dis one sneaky elf runs straight up to poor old One Ear Vaz whose only just woken up from getting smacked inna first half and he pulls out a long old blade and he goes and shanks ‘im! Puts him right on his arse. Dats it den cause all green hell breaks loose and elves and orcs are knocking snot outta each other inna middle of der park but der elves iz forcin a gap on the farside with that crazy witch elf.

But den da elf wiv der ball he trys to bash Baz Da Basher - and ol’ Baz he just catches dat elf’s arm and smashes him right back in der face wit it and grabs the ball. Its all on den, another elf tries to bash Baz but Baz bashes ‘im first then he legs it wit der ball. But dat same elf he bashed inna face earlier gets up and tackles Baz to der floor and den he’s got da ball! Well der bodies pile in again and the ball goes flying and der orcz are tryin to get den der elves and der ball iz poppin up like a snottling inna turd pipe.

Dats it, der clock is nearly dun countin when der ball goes loose again and Smiler sees der space and he grabs it somehow den he hands it to Baz who’s still hangin’ about and he crashes over der line for a last second score. 1 - 0 to der orcz!”