“Blood Bowl fans are not, dare I say, the most intelligent specimens on the whole, but I am sure a reasonable percentage would know that Shakespeare wrote at play called A Comedy Of Errors. Well, those fans who attended the opening match of the Renaissance Cup last night saw Coach Hepworthnot write a new version for the modern era, and it was a belter!

From the get-go (as our friends across the pond say) the Royals were truly awful. They were up against a brand new franchise from the Creekmoor stable, the Creekmoor Chargers - mind you, if you hadn't known, you would never have guessed that it was a first outing for them.

After receiving the kick-off and getting a few reasonable blocks in, the Royals seemed to falter. There was so simply no guidance, no purpose, no direction. It was as if the Coach hadn't turned up - he had, but shouldn't have bothered! The Royals didn't seem to know what was expected of them, and this turned into Elizabeth I tripping and causing a turnover.

Nightjar was on it - he smashed into the ball carrier, Henry VIII, taking him out of the game, and took off with the ball. 1-0.

In all the confusion, the crowd invaded the pitch at the next kick-off, and players from both sides were, literally and metaphorically, stunned. Once again, the playcalls were non-existent from the Rusland sideline - either that or the idiots on the pitch couldn't understand them. Umbra was taken out, and the useless Elizabeth I decided to head down field and........oh yes, my friends, she tripped. She has had more trips than an LSD junky.

Schoolboy error of schoolboy errors, the ball was still, inexplicably, lying on the already blood-soaked turf - there had been no attempt to pick it up. Yes, I know!! Given freedom of movement as a result of the pitch invasion, Fenella, the Witch Elf, glided down field and scooped up that spiky sack of Nurgle skin. On the next turn, she hit Black Prince, knocked him out, and crossed into the end zone. Another sublime play. Another superb touchdown. 2-0.

It was getting embarrassing - the rampant Chargers blitzed the kick-off, and placed the ball deep in Royals territory. This time it was William's turn to be useless. One on one with Cryptic, he soon found himself in the dirt, leaving Black Prince alone and unguarded with the ball.

Fidchell made a massive hit and John was dead. Who's John you ask? No, I had never heard of him ether. In another brilliant play, Cryptic charged across the field, hit and stunned Black Prince, and scooped up the ball, by the spikes, in his teeth. In a two on one, Panther stood strong against a hit and Arthur ended up on the ground. That was followed up with a blitz by Moondial on William, and Cryptic skipped over the line. 3-0 at half time, and at this point, the ball was still blissfully unaware that there was another half of the pitch!

The despondent Royals kicked off the second half and finally, the ball was in Chargers territory. But not for long. Nightshade picked up. Then, Moondial was in the game again - two players were taken out and he was off downfield. Nightshade, fleet of foot, weaved through a chasm and flighted a lovely little pass to Moondial, who caught the ball without thinking. Poetry in motion.

In the scrap that followed, George III failed to pick up the ball after a good blitz. There was a further fracas, Arthur tripped, Blackhawk picked up the ball (from a tackle zone) moved down field......blah, blah, blah. Do you know what, it was so damned good, it is almost getting boring writing about. It was 4-0, and we were witnessing one of the greatest ever performances by a rookie team.

In the post match interviews (everyone wanted to speak to Creekmoor) the man of the moment's biggest regret was that they didn't get a fifth TD. And it really hurt that his time could not shut out the Royals completely.

You have heard about the Rusland TD from my colleague (his shortest report ever!!) so I won't bore you with that now. Other than to say that my not-so-learned colleague is the only person who was at the game last night who thinks it was the best score of the game.

We have some great matches ahead of us in the Renaissance Cup, but you might not see another quite so one-sided as this one.”