“Chapter 9

"Phew! What in the name of all the gods is that smell?" Coach Robsson asked. He took a quick sniff inside his tunic. "It's not me, is it?"
"No," Ebeneezer reassured him. "It's our opponents."
Robsson looked over to the far side of the pitch. They had already begun to build proper changing rooms for both home and away teams, but so far the away team's was just a wooden frame and a couple of long bits of cloth. Inside, he could see a mass of green, surrounded by a cloud of flies.
"No! Please tell me you haven't matched us up against Nurgles. They'll ruin the new grass."
It was particularly nice grass. They'd let one of the local farmers use it for his cattle while they were busy repairing the stand and building the new changing rooms. Not only had the cows kept the grass nice and short, they'd also provided some much-needed fertiliser. Now it looked like it was about to be trampled into mud again by some of the ugliest, smelliest and least crowd-friendly players Bloodbowl had to offer.
"So, who are they then?" Ebeneezer showed him the programme. Tom the Scribe had created another thing of beauty. "Phantasy Star," Robsson read. "Coached by GaradoshSilverSlack. I like the way Tom has put little love hearts at the beginning and end of their team name. Must be a Valentine's Day thing."
"Actually," Ebeneezer explained. "That's part of their name. Officially they're called, HEART Phantasy Star HEART."
"What? Why?"
Ebeneezer shrugged. "Maybe they think it makes them smell nicer."


* * *


The match began predictably, with the Nurgles receiving the kick and the ball-carrier moving quickly into a protective cage. Their front line was strong, and Robsson's tactic of putting three zombies on the front line didn't seem to be paying off as they were all on the floor within seconds. But Da Hui were starting to come together as a team and they knew what they had to do. The flesh golems stepped up and reinforced the zombies - who all got back to their feet as quickly as their shredded bodies would allow them - while the faster elements of the team sped round the sides and prepared for a counter attack.
Suddenly Robsson found himself standing beside the opposing coach, who had obviously wandered round onto the wrong side of the pitch.
"Listen," GaradoshSilverSlack told him. "Something's wrong. This league is using an odd set of rules I'm not familiar with. I don't like them. Your boys have the ball now so go ahead and score and them we're finishing up. I need to preserve my team."
It was true, Robsson noticed. His boys did have the ball. How did that happen? No matter, what was important was that they scored, won the match and let the Nurgles shamble off early and take their cloud of flies and grass-destroying boots with them.
"Well, sorry things weren't what you expected," Robsson said, trying to be magnanimous in victory but really hoping he could dispense with the usual post-match handshake. "My boys - and girl - he added hastily, in case Berengariax was anywhere within earshot - and she really did have extraordinarily good hearing, he'd discovered - will just kick back to you, and once you have the ball you can signal to the ref that you're conceding. That's how we do it."
GaradoshSilverSlack wandered off, apparently satisfied. Silas the Unclean kicked off, and then Da Hui began to walk towards the sidelines. But no one seemed to have bothered to tell the Nurgles their coach had called time and they began to bash their way forward as before. This time, however, Da Hui were caught off-guard and before long the nice new Knockout section of the dugout was quickly beginning to fill up.
Soon there were so many gaps in the undead lines the Nurgles could simply walk through, and only a last-minute dash from Celandril gave them any hope of preventing the equalising touchdown before the whistle. But Celandril was knocked to the ground and the Nurgle ball-carrier made a last-second dash for the endzone, only to trip on a loose sod of turf and drop the ball before he could make it over the line.

"That was a bit cheeky," he told Ebeneezer at the break. "I thought he told me he was throwing in the towel. I was all set to head home for an early night and then he keeps his players on the pitch. He may not have liked the rules, but he certainly knew how to play by them when things were going his way. I tell you, if he comes out ready to play the second half I'm going to make sure I give him a match he'll remember. And not in a good way, either."

Sure enough, the Nurgles did come back out for the second half, and Robsson urged his players to get on and score a second as quickly as possible. Anything could happen in Bloodbowl, and he didn't want this bunch of bath-dodgers to steal one back through lazy play on the part of his team. But he needn't have worried. The team pushed down the left, drawing most of the Nurgles in that direction and then Tobias threw a short pass - he actually threw a short pass! - to Celandril who ran it in for the score.

And already there wasn't enough time for a team like this one to score twice in reply. Robsson was happy to play cautiously, keeping his players out of danger while they slowed-up the Nurgle advance, and he would happily have settled for 2-0 when HEART Phantasy Star HEART fumbled the ball and left it out in the open. Deciding now was perhaps a good time to add insult to injury, Robsson urged his team to go for the third, which they did. And then, with just the final couple of minutes left on the clock, the Nurgles abandoned the ball and finished out the game by knocking a few more zombies into the dirt once more.

Coach Robsson was delighted. A 3-0 victory with no injuries - not on his side of the field, anyway - was always worth celebrating. But more importantly, the team had their first home win, had made a tidy sum of gold which would help towards the renovation, and from the look of it, they'd even stolen some of the Nurgle fans in the process.
"Well," he said to Ebeneezer. "So much for HEART Phantasy Star HEART and their little love hearts."
"Indeed," Ebeneezer replied. "A very pleasing game for us, eh?"
"Absolutely."
"And I'll tell you something else," Ebeneezer added. "They didn't even do much damage to the grass, except that one area by the endzone where their fella tripped up and fumbled the score."
"Well, maybe we'll leave that bit then. It might come in handy again sometime."
Ebeneezer smiled. "Good idea."
"Now," Robsson said, looking up at the cloudy sky and feeling the breeze beginning to pick up. "We have a bit of spare time, and something tells me the waves are waiting. How about a spot of HEART surfing HEART?"
"HEART Nice HEART," Ebeneezer said, and the two of them set off for the beach.”