“As expected, Sussex Hedgeclipper Massacre's inaugural match was a triumph - for the other team. Sussex's lucky 13 went up against a redoubtable side of suspiciously short players with suspiciously long beards, and came out slightly the worst.

The 'Massacre's MVP, Ladyshape Facestench, started as she meant to go on, by knocking somebody to the ground, but this early success didn't last - soon goblins were falling over and knocking themselves senseless, the only respite they had from being pummelled into the Astrogranite by the Burners. Once Ladyshape was down, she would rise up again and again only to fall back down again. As the 'Massacre's theme song* echoed through a largely empty stadium, the hurt continued to be dished out. A first touchdown from the Burners' Sales of the Slaves was accompanied by the 'Massacre's specialists, Bogrip the Whizzer, Thunderguts Unclelurch and Thunderguts Chucka, all being sent off by the ref. What little of the crowd remained protested at this treatment of the players for merely bringing traditional Goblin icons onto the pitch for sentimental purposes, but to no avail.

Receiving the next kick off, Greedy Cheeseslice failed to capture the ball, and while the rest of the team were being pummelled upfield, it was down to Nigel And His Magic Spring to collect it. He was quickly badly hurt, but in a semblance of a moral victory, Slave of Slaves fell flat on his face trying to take the ball into the endzone as the whistle blew for the end of the first half. 1-0 down at half time seemed like a good outcome.

In a mindbending display of the Massacre's rookie coach's planning, Wurzel Grubbage, an unconscious Goblin in the dugout, was given some bombs to throw. As he slept for the entire second half, nobody knows where those bombs ended up. Perhaps he's still using them for a pillow.

It didn't take long for the Burners to clear the rest of the pitch. A pitch invasion after the second touchdown didn't do much apart from delay the inevitable, the Burners bashing their way to a 4-0 final score. Ladyshape got some particularly unwanted attention. While enjoying a nap on the line of scrimmage, seven or eight Dwarves ran over and gave her some argy-bargy. "Short thing messed my nightie" she complained after the match to Cabal-vision.

* "I get up, but you knock me down again" by Wumba-Chumba.”