“So many firsts
The fifth match for the Scoundrels was filled with firsts. The first time the team only committed a single foul. The first time the Scoundrels managed to score a touchdown. And finally, the first time the Scoundrels really felt like a family.

Guglash Quigglesnort, Assistant Fouling Coach, wiped his eye. He's not crying. It's just a disgusting infection.

Slippery pitches, delicious cocktails and a superlative performance by Avo Smash Toast
Up against a team of Wood Elves, technically kindred spirits, because the Scoundrels have also spent a lot of time hiding in bushes, peering through hedges and stealing fruit, the Scoundrels played a tactical game. To welcome the Loggers to the Theatre of Breams, the Scoundrels made up a new cocktail, the exciting sounding "Witch's Brew", a delicious concoction that only one of the Loggers' linemen agreed to drink. With the sun glistening in the blueish skies, Spindizzee Tick Tock rushed out spinning his giant ball, Manshape and Ladyshape started shoving people, and Avo Smash Toast made an immediate donation to the Referee's Benevolent Fund, having raised it through charitable donations after his free demonstration of how a hedgeclipper works.

Lonely Nigel, still feeling rough after the death of a friend a few weeks ago, got knocked over, but in return they dropped the journeyman Brian Goldstone to the ground, shortly before Mirafel the Mocker was badly hurt while inspecting Smash Toast's gardening implements. Tick Tock kept on spinning. Smash Toast was having an excellent day in the sunshine, killing Kupriel The Carver shortly after sending Mirafel the Mocker off the pitch, stunning Lissarel Long-Teeth and stunning Brian Goldstone when he was stupid enough to get up. Impressed by all this, after a first touchdown the referee insisted Smash Toast went to trim his hedge immediately, and despite a short argument, the Scoundrels' key gardener was off down the street doing some freelance topiary.

(The TD was scored against the Scoundrels after a series of really unsporting pushes, shoves and strip balls that the Loggers insisted on.)

Lonely Nigel's dander was well and truly up, and as the halftime whistle approached he knocked out Xavier Hardbrook for "being cheeky". That provoked a major fight, with Shady Flimface smashing his ankle, and the ever annoying Brian Goldstone pushing over Lonely Nigel, only to trip on his own shoelaces and knock himself out. Further disarray followed but the somewhat greasy pitch at the Theatre of Breams (one of the fish fryers had clearly sprung a leak) saw Alpithrel The Zealot fall flat on his face just shy of the end zone.

Second half shenanigans
With the half time 'oranges' tasting super sweet, the Scoundrels were raring to do and claw back their touchdown deficit. Poor positioning saw Ladyshape get knocked over and Avo Smash Toast stunned (inexplicably back on the pitch after his half-time topiary), and although Fizz-Whizz tried to help the situation by letting off some fireworks, the celebration was undoubtedly premature as the Loggers ran in a second touchdown before most of the Scoundrels had even woken up. Some truly disgraceful behaviour by the referee saw both Smash Toast and the rookie bombardier leaving the pitch. Smash Toast went back to hedge trimming and Fizz-Whizz threw up his hands in rage, storming off. Rumours afterwards are that he's gone back to the firework factory but who really cares about a dilletante like that? At least Atishoo Blundertug had the team spirit to blow himself to pieces when he couldn't fling a bomb to (literally) save his life.

With the ball kicked downfield again, a short shoving match ensued on the line of scrimmage and Lonely Nigel knocked Brian Goldstone out again. Legneck managed to reach down from the heights of his pogo stick and collect the ball, and set off down the field, while all around him the big guys of both teams were losing concentration. Ladyshape was staring into the distance, murmuring about 'a new pink nightie' and a gust of wind had blown the cover of the November 2186 Top Gear magazine onto Manshape's outstretched paw, leaving him to marvel at pictures of a man with extraordinarily tight denim trousers. At least the Loggers' comedy tree-shaped mascot was rooted to the spot.

A bit of unsporting behaviour, when the Loggers snatched the ball away from Legneck, risked turning the match nasty. It was Legneck's birthday, after all, and you don't go taking a goblin's presents away from him. The light-fingered Loggers couldn't keep hold of the ball, and Clumpy Fatbag managed to retrieve it. But this sort of behaviour couldn't go unpunished, and like any good parent, Manshape ran forward and killed Lissarel Long-Teeth outright. (in the best possible tradition of angry parents at sporting events, Lissarel hadn't even been anywhere near Legneck when the initial brouhaha occurred, but on the other hand Manshape isn't actually Legneck's dad*). A hush fell over the pitch for a moment or so, until the application of a folk remedy by the Loggers' medical team brought Lissarel back to the land of the living. Denied his first kill, Manshape began to wail about Suzuki Vitaras (some kind of Nipponese players, we assume).

Ladyshape did her best to stop the crying of both Legneck and Manshape, by cheerfully tossing Quack Nostrum in the air. The little lad went flying and landed on the head of Baltharel Break-Branch, knocking him out. Poor little Legneck's sobs lessened as the new team sensation, "Burning Sensation" Grogg sent Alphirel the Zealot off the pitch on a stretcher. Before the ball could be returned to Legneck and his tears finally dried, another of the Loggers rushed over and biffed Clumpy in the face, forcing him to drop the ball. How the referee didn't penalise this kind of thing, given Smash Toast and Fizz-Whizz's earlier penalties, is a true mystery.

A bit more inconclusive punching and kicking occurred, but with the offer of some cake if he'd just stop crying, Legneck started bouncing again, plucking the ball from the ground and scoring his (and the team's) first touchdown.

Still. the angry rumblings at the abuse of the birthday boy continued. When the nest kick-off came, Ladyshape was the one who couldn't control her passions, rushing forwards and giving Lissarel Long-Teeth a good solid thump upside the head. This time the apothecaries didn't need to bring the big-eared fop back from the dead, but they also couldn't do anything about the large crack Ladyshape left in his skull. Even if they couldn't kill the lineman, they could put an end to his career.

Wiping his eyes, Legneck bounced happily through the punctured offensive line and plucked the ball before the elves could reach it. Unfortunately, while the crowd yelled for him to stand still so Manshape could throw him to the end zone, the over-enthusiastic goblin rushed down field as fast as his spring would carry him, and the final whistle blew far too soon, the Scoundrels managing to save their unbroken record of defeats this season from a potential draw.

All in all, the team played a cohesive match. When the Loggers picked on a defenceless mite like Lonely Nigel or Legneck Won't-Stop-Bouncing, the rest of the team rallied round and gave them what for. This sort of plucky, family-friendly behaviour is just what Blood Bowl is famous for.

Spirits are high going into the off-season. The rumours are that the whole team will be rewarded for their performance, as a mysterious foreign businessman is keen to invest in the team and upgrade the facilities, team uniform and pay. Every member of the team, happy and secure, are ready to spend many more seasons playing for the Scoundrels. And with the late-breaking news that night that Ladyshape had indeed ended the career of the dreadfully rude Mr Long-Teeth, the celebrations were sure to go long into the night.


* Nobody knows who Legneck's dad is, they just know that he mailed Legneck a pogo stick as a birthday present ten years ago, with a cryptic message about "it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that spring" attached to it. At least we think it was his birthday. Legneck has been claiming it's his birthday every single time the Scoundrels play, and then demanding he go home and talk the ball with him.”