“Wonton Violence wandered into the Theatre of Breams, whistling a cheerful tune.
"Hi lads" he called out, "how did the match go?"

"Well," said Fructose, "not qutie how we'd expected..."

The day had started so nicely, the sun shining down on the inaugural Fellowship Of Equally Diminutive Chaps Who Play Nuffle Armorical Football (FOEDCWPNAF). The Yeast Lords were rumoured to have donated some croissants for breakfast, and everything had been so friendly, until Grant Gurdles said something about the personal hygiene of some of the Scoundrels, and how true forest folk had treemen for friends, not trolls, and there was a difference between living in the woods because you wanted to and having to sleep under a hedge because your house had burned down, and ...

Words were exchanged, somebody hocked up a big lump of phlegm into the Halflings' stew pot, and even Ladyshape got angry. The FOEDCWPNAF meeting abandoned, both teams went to the field in a state of great rage. Croissants forgotten, and the Scoundrels a little queasy from whatever food the Crays had brought with them, the match began with a lot of shoving and a few people falling over, but no real harm done. Legneck picked up the ball and (somewhat unwisely) ran up to the scrum in the middle of the pitch to see what was going on. With the best that the Crays could do was to stun themselves trying to block the Scoundrels, Burning Sensation ran forwards and put the boot in hard enough to give Hubert Middlemiss a serious concussion.

Sadly, the referee was clearly a Crays supporter as Burning Sensation was immediately sent off. After an early glorious run, Spin Dizzee was badly hurt by one of the Treemen, but the Crays again snatched disaster from the jaws of glory, as Timothy Credge tripped over his own shoelaces and gouged his eye out. A bit more inconsequential fouling ensued before the Crays hurt poor Little Billy No Mates, another of the crack team of foulers who had been chasing the division record.

After that, things began to deterioate. Legneck (who had only gone over to the middle of the pitch to try to calm down some of the argy-bargy) also got hurt - that was three Scoundrels off the pitch injured. One of the Crays ran off with the ball while Avo Smash Toast pulled himself together and did a good job of sawing off bits of Burrell McGhee, but that wasn't enough to prevent a touchdown being scored. While the home team jeered and Smash Toast went home to tend to his hedges, the game began again. A fumble here, a fumble there, and then Pinkeye Growthspurt did something productive and hurt Ellsworth Gillis. Never leave the opportunity to kick a halfling when he's down.

Half time couldn't come soon enough, but the sunny day left several players faint, or too lazy to leave the dugout. The coach's girlfriend, Irene Shandyhands, had been told off for letting off fireworks before the first half completed, and after a long argument with the ref had been allowed to return to the field. However, she was soon back to her wicked ways, managing to drop another banger that knocked out poor old Teflon Fishslice, just returned to the field, and inexplicably leaving her unscathed.

Manshape struggled to his feet and knocked down Ash Root and Pinkeye went in with the boot, only stunning the big fella. In retalisation, the Crays knocked Irene out while she was lying on the floor, an act so ungentlemanly that Ladyshape had to step in to remonstrate. Manshape gave Austin Lamb a clip around the ear that sent him to the injury box, and then Pinkeye, in a bravura performance, sent Ash Root to the wood chipper with a good hard stamp. Once again, questionable refereeing saw the young lad sent off, his dreams of being a top-notch fouler held back again.

Just to show how rude the Crays were to their guests, they shoved Bogan Picnic off the pitch completely, but "that little scrote" as the coach called him, Archie Candy, tripped and knocked himself out. By this point the mood of the crowd had turned ugly, now unsure if the Scoundrels were the biggest danger posed to the Crays, or if it was the Crays' own bootlaces. Another touchdown came, as night follows day, and with the coach bursting several blood vessels in his face screaming at the ref, both he and the delectable Irene were banned from the match. They both had to watch the remainder of the action from the ice cream parlour in the stands.

Manshpe did his best to raise everyone's spirits by killing the mysteriously named (), but he was a mercenary journeyman so neither team really cared. Now losing any pretence that they cared about touchdowns, the Scoundrels were once again ready to lay down a good beeting, only to watch as the inept Llewelyn Halbert-Winkins tripped and concussed himself. That was three injuries the Scoundrels couldn't even claim for themselves.

However, with Grant Gurdles picking up the ball and sprinting for the end zone, the Scoundrels knew they couldn't go three nil down. Plan B went into operation - Ladyshape flung Fructose at the fleeing 'fling, and her aim was strong and true - Fructose landed just short of the little guy. With Teflon running over to lend encouragement, Fructose gave Gurdles a hefty wallop, tripping himself (probably over the Cray's overlong bootlaces) and 'accidentally' killing Gurdles on the way down. Well, it made for a soft landing. With Bogan Picnic being knocked left right and centre, it only remained for Teflon Fishslice to let the ball slip through his fingers, and the game was over.

"So I didn't miss much then?"”