“What a calamity! Fixed Odds Betty was fouled at every opportunity, and although Mr Snodworthy came back from the dead, denying the Khemri a new recruit, he's only gone and smashed his ankle...

Good game. Should have paid attention when I lost the coin toss and got to receive - you really shouldn't set up for defence at that point, and it wasn't like setting up second wasn't a massive clue. Oh well. Going into the second half 1-0 down and up against a sure-handed blitzer that we weren't going to take the ball off, I was half ready to give up in despair and let him run past me, but at least we held them up til close to the end, and near the end Sid managed to hurt somebody (just a little bit).

Tray, on the other hand, with her greased shoes, just kept falling over all the time. She's getting extra training after the match to teach her a lesson.”