“HISTORIC WIN......BUT NOT THE ONE COACH BEEMAN OR THE SPECTATORS HAD WANTED

Yes Sports Fans (and Rick), here was one of the greatest games in the history of this wonderful, sometimes beautiful, often funny, always violent game we call Blood Bowl. There was a thick air of anticipation hanging over the ground, like one of those smelly green fogs that hangs heavy over the marshy Orc swamplands of Creek Moor.
There was a feeling that history was going to be made, and there was one hell of a lot of gold coins (most of which had been acquired by foul deeds) riding on a Th’Andrags first win. The crowd wanted it, rookie Coach Beeman wanted it, and there was another coach sitting in the stands (whose name shall not be mentioned) who wanted it.
SPOILER ALERT But they didn’t get it!
However, from the very first whistle, it looked like they WOULD get it. The Crows and their much maligned (bullied even) Coach got off to a terrible start. During the raucous noise of kick-off, a mix up in the communication of field positions saw The Hood, The Crow’s young thrower, standing at the line of scrimmage instead of deep, ready to gather the ball. And it got worse when Rookie failed to pick up the ball from a straightforward kick-off.
The spectators loved it! A puny voice from the crowd was even heard to say “it’s like having a 1-0 start!”
Th’Andrags made the most of the confusion and went into a kind of Norse frenzy in turn three - a nasty, violent couple of minutes that saw more blood than a Christmas episode of Casualty. One after the other, Jack Daw was knocked out; Carri On was knocked out (once again, that irritating background noise, “ha ha, Carri On has been carried off”!); and then The Hood received an horrific blow which resulted in a sound like the twig of a Dark Forest Oak snapping - a smashed ankle for Hood, a loss of one ma, and out for the next match.
In the mayhem, Bill picked up the ball for Th’Andrags. But the scrappiness continued and he was blitzed by The Crows pack. The ball popped out like a cork from a bottle of Nurgle Champagne but right into the arms of Bob who headed down the centre of the field with Fred and Tom.
Al Pinechough attempted a brave, one-man block but only succeeded in pushing Bob closer to the end zone. The crowd were loving it - history was simmering nicely on a low heat.......
Next came one of those sequences of play calls that only a new and inexperienced coach (or Coach Creekmoor) would have tried. Fred ran into the Crows’ endzone. You could see what was coming, but surely not?! Bob carried the ball but stopped short of his movement allowance. And then, even though he could have gone one stride further and handed the ball to Fred, or waited a turn, he risked a short pass................and succeeded. TOUCHDOWN!!
I’ll tell you something Sports Fans (and Rick), I have commentated on more games of Blood Bowl than I care to mention, but I have never heard a crowd react to a touchdown like this rabble did when Th’Andrags went 1-0 up. History was coming to the boil.......
In the ensuing excitement very little happened in the rest of the half, apart from the equivalent of a practice rocket launch, when Coach Creekmoor finally worked out how to instruct his catcher (yes folks, I know, his CATCHER, not his thrower) to perform a Hail Mary Pass. With knowledge comes power and Al Pinechough was immediately instructed to throw one......and he did.
I’ll tell you something else Sports Fans (and Rick), it was a beautiful moment - watching that ball spin through a blue sky, its lethal spikes glittering like a Doomsday Disco ball in the blistering sunshine, high over the players and deep into Th’Andrags territory. I don’t mind admitting to getting a tad emotional folks.

Second Half
If the first half ended quietly, the second started with a bang! A deep kick from the Crows was safely picked up by Th’Andrags but big Zak had been left on his Sweeney against three Crows. Wallop! A big hit by from Rookie and Zak was dead! A shocking start to the half. But it was immediately followed by a little miracle - Th’Andrags apothecary was woken from a deep sleep, sent onto the pitch, poured something blue down big Zak’s throat and the big lump came back to life. More huge cheers from the crowd.
Now The Crows were headed for where the ball was. Azure Winged Ed blitzed and the ball was loose. There were some scrappy exchanges - Harry tried and failed to gather the ball and suddenly The Crows were swarming like Bothnia Bees in one of Coach Beeman’s hives. Al Pinechough (probably already Man (Elf) of the Match), collected the ball, and it was game on!
More chaos - Th’Andrags defended desperately, knocking out Jack Daw (again - the poor sod was seeing more stars than Brian Cox) - and then Pinechough was hit and the ball was loose. Tom tried to collect it but dropped it. Then the Crows’ Rookie picked it up, dropped it, picked it up again and dived over the line - 1-1. Silence..........
From the kick-off, more bad coaching from Creekmoor during an extra blitz created some space on the flank for Th’Andrags, who immediately created a cage around the ball. Next, they proceeded to punch a huge hole in the centre of the field. In a match full of mistakes and coaching blunders (Hepworthnot must have felt like all his Christmases had come at once!!) Dug tried an unnecessary block and tripped; The Crows failed a blitz; but then succeeded in picking up the ball through Rookie. However, in his excitement, he immediately tried to dodge out of a tackle zone and tripped. The words ‘error’, ‘comedy’ and ‘of’ spring to mind!
Suddenly, Th’Andrags were deep into Crow territory, avec the ball. The crowd sensed it............history had been bunged in the microwave and this was it......it was going to happen. Beeman just needed to do one thing - put big Biff next to the ball carrier for a bit of protection.
Biff tripped..........and we heard the biggest sigh ever recorded at a game of Blood Bowl. I do believe that it was followed by the words, “You can still win this”.
And then Sports Fans (and Rick), we witnessed possibly the greatest sequence of play any of us will ever have the privilege to see - indeed, I am dabbing a tear from my eye as I write this. Al Pinechough (who else?) had to dodge a tackle from out on the flank, take a long route to avoid more tackles, go for it and then blitz in a one-on-one. Jim, the ball carrier, was stunned - literally, mentally and metaphorically. Out came the spiky pigskin - it bounced around like a pin ball before settling next to Harry. The poor Viking had barely noticed before his face was in the dirt.
Double-concussioned Jack Daw luckily picked up the real ball out of the four he could see and was away down field. It was T7 but there was to be no unnecessary going for it here. The crowd was silent - again!
There was still time for a little more mayhem. In the desperate melée, Th’Andrags’ Bill one-man-blitzed the ball carrier but only pushed him closer to his goal. Then Tom came rushing in and put a tackle zone on Jack Daw. However, there was room for one more inexplicable error from Th’Andrags as Tom tried to get endzone-side of Jack Daw. From one tackle zone to another..........not happening and down he went.
Turn 8, final turn of the game. One dodge - just one dodge.
Spectators scrabbled for cameras - Coach Creekmoor held his breath (partly because his assistant had farted) - and then Jack Daw leaped like a gazelle for freedom, cut back to his right towards the painted line, and then did the Endzone Shuffle before crossing over to score.
The whistle blew. Creekmoor whooped with joy, and history was indeed made.
Incredible - simply incredible.
You might be surprised to hear this after reading the longest match report since the Battle of Hastings, but I am lost for words..........


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