“An inauspicious start to league action for the Bullets; kicked off by the typically underhanded Dark Elves poisoning Iniesta with a witches brew, though it took some time for the dirty trick to manifest and bear fruit.

The Foulers had prioritised their medical team over team training during pre-season and were on slightly unreliable form initially, leading to a neat sack from the Bullets as experienced catchers Messi and Suarez combined their guard and wrestle combo and Suarez stylishly caught the dropping ball after decking a Foulers line-elf carrying the ball.

The Foulers swarmed the ball in a sudden gegenpress and eventually managed to get in a solid hit on Suarez and the ball popped loose, but kindly for the Bullets and Messi picked it up and retreated into the back field swapping passes with Sergi Roberto to get a completion on the board for the rookie and put him in the running for MVP awards. They also managed to get a receiver free in the foulers half and with the pitch stretched, and the ball safely under control, looked in a good position on their defensive drive.

Unfortunately for the Bullets, this was the high tide mark of their first competitive performance and it was at this point that Iniesta made his first fatally stupid intervention, drunkenly staggering into an ill-judged block in the delicately poised midfield battle. As the inebriated blitzer was promptly turned over, the Foulers suddenly dominated the centre of the pitch, stunning a succession of players and putting a high press on Messi and Sergi Roberto in the back field.

From comparative control the bullets had left themselves with unenviable options, with their midfield completely overrun!

But with a receiver free and deep in foulers territory, there was still the chance of a lighting counterattack TD if Messi could make the pass. Even an innacurate pass would be a great result, gaining huge yardage and territory and completely breaking the foulers high press. Roberto threw himself into his role of holding off the closest Foulers Blitzer, while Messi looked to make the play. Skipping across challenges, he got himself into long pass range to make the crucial throughball, but despite furious exhortations from his coach, only succeeded in fumbling the ball, twice.

In a flash, the foulers got players around the ball and broke Messi's jaw to complete a miserable competitive debut. But their own lack of match sharpness told as they fumbled their own counterattack pass.

The bullets almost managed to steal the half from this sudden reprieve, nicking the ball off the toes of markers but stumbled as they went for a single crucial yard to make a simple pass for a touchdown. The Foulers made no such mistake for their part, getting the ball to impressive Blitzer James Hanson who ran in for a T8 TD!

The Bullets faithful had shown up in huge numbers to cheer on their team, 8000 of them filling this new camp, dwarfing the small but committed contingent in support of the less glamorous Foulers who had managed to bring just 4000 in support. The Bullets fans rioted on to the pitch and stunned out virtually the entire Foulers squad!

Unfortunately, only Iniesta, recovering from his unnatural high, managed to exploit the gaps and get into the Foulers half, before Yorick Hideoushammer, a hapless journey-elf, (standing in for the dearly departed Bojan - may he RIP and enjoy his new life as a rotter :D) was overcome with excitement and completely messed up a comfortable block on the line of scrimmage. Unfortunately head coach Palled had lots of words of encouragement for the journey-elf, but none of them seemed to be coherent! It seemed that coach Palled had confiscated Iniesta's witchbrew, leading to the blitzers recovery, but been seduced by its intoxicating aroma and fallen victim to its sedative powers himself.

In the confusion, Hideoushammer was turned over, quite before the rest of the team had been able to exploit the riot, with Coach Palled still yelling inanities such as "Alas! Poor Yorick!" and insisting on calling wildly for a character called Horatio for reasons unclear to this reporter!

But with the riot subsiding, it was clear that the Bullets had missed their chance. Iniesta, clearly still hungover, was disdainfully knocked out, to seal off the bullets only meaningful penetration into the Foulers territory and their disciplined forward line started to turn the screw and run a fierce press, grinding down the Bullets with knockdowns and a growing number of knockouts. Xavi Hernandez took many blows to the head during this period, spending most of his time getting back to his feet before being slammed back to the turf.

Midway through the second half though, Suarez seemed to sense an opportunity and with Fabregas artfully chain-tripping opponents out of the way, broke through the midfield lines and dropped a delightful panna on the Foulers deep safety, stepping through his tackle and showing nerves of steel to prepare a switch of play from under tight marking. Unfortunately, he just ran out of talent and started trying to bite his opponent, whilst claiming to have been fouled, fumbling the final ball in the middle of the field.

The Foulers took their opportunity mercilessly, fracturing Xavi's leg, who gratefully misses the next game while he also recovers from major concussion. They then switched the play themselves and got a cage deep into Bullets territory and with only a handful of players remaining, and the ball gone, only Yorick, desperate to atone for his mistake, kept trying unlikely blitzes to get the ball and the impressive Hanson coolly picked up a completion to go with a TD and a cas, to show his growing skill before James McKeown walked in another TD to leave it 2:0 at the final whistle.

After the match, the magnanimous coach Bakadon charitably claimed some bad luck for his opponents, but when pressed for comments coach Palled, still reeling drunk, merely threw up over the microphone during his brief interview.

The bullets are clearly misfiring early in the season, and with their two best players both MNG, will be lacking heavy ammunition but they are primed and ready to shoot for glory in the next chambered round. (other gun-related puns may have been missed XD)

My thanks to Bakadon for a good game, a bit more ruthless than in our previously friendly, but still very sporting and surprisingly did not manage a single foul! The team name is a ruse people!”