“Possibly the Scoundrels' last ever match, and they were expecting to go out with a bang against the Chefs.

Gordon Ramsay clearly spent more time berating his sous chef than attending to the actual kitchen, so in the first half the 'delicious' hotpot was rejected by the goblins in favour of concentrating on the game. That didn't stop Big Balled Bandersnatch being knocked off the pitch before anyone even thought to write his name on the sheet, and Irene's only bomb of the day blew herself to pieces. Between that and a biassed ref that kicked Pinkeye out after a little toe-tap to the extra-celebrity Piewhistle, we expected the game to go from bad to worse.

But with the flings erring on the side of caution, Burst Inner Tube charged through the blizzard to punch out Nigella Lawson and get the ball, and with the pitch devoid of flings, slowly stroll in for the score just before half time.

After the break, both teams had only 7 players. The Chefs got a blitz, but the unkind Scoundrels played one of their best defensive games, despite Inner Tube getting overconfident and taking himself out on a Both Down while an AV5 fling laughed in his face. Manshape showed what a Pro he was in the final stages to mess up the scrum of diminutive bodies, and at the end of a chilly match, the Scoundrels snatched a not-entirely deserved victory to close out their season.

Thanks for the match. But where are the casualties?”