“A vicious, vicious first match for the Asylum - or for their opponents. Having collected together a pile of cash, the paid-for-upgrade rampaged across the pitch, killing Handsom Git with the first block of the match. A hasty set of bandages were wrapped around the guy and he was pronounced 'only a little bit hurt', making his way out to the pitch for the second half. However, we hadn't finished there - Doreen chucked a bomb, and turned Shiggles Hardwood into so many splinters, and there wasn't a tree surgeon in town to save him.

Although Legneck couldn't be bothered to stay awake on the pitch past the second turn (he figured getting the ball via a touchback was just an insult, and went to bed) the Gits were down to 6 players on the pitch before half time, with a reinvigorated Fructose Overdose putting the boot in whenever he could. A cheeky stall to keep some weapons around failed as Mild Giles was taken down by the end zone, but it didn't matter: Nuffle was with us. Toastyflake came on in the second half and put Throwy Git in the hospital too, as well as some other poor blighter, and the strong arm of Morg got us an equaliser shortly after the Gits were intimidated into scoring. With Nuffle granting us a blitz after that, we almost got down the field for the winner, but with the long range of the thrower removed, smothering the remaining players worked pretty well.

Obviously, the family of Seven Pint Hardman are all in our prayers. Thirteen Pint Hardman was fairly scornful of this, and who knows if Fourteen Pint Hardman will make a difference in the next round?”