“Darkshire -- March 1, 2024

Eskimos fans had their fears held at bay this Friday morning, as the Human squad from Anchorage defeated the Darkshire Raiders 2-0. Dangerously short-staffed, the Eskimos were perhaps fortunate to round out their road trip in Darkshire, although the foul-happy halflings did not make the trip completely devoid of a threat.

In combination with a capable group of 'flings were treefolk Mariana Keal and Manuel Miphates, who stalked down field after the first kick-off with terrifying capability. #6 Thrower Brooks Clement strafed from one flank to the other in the Eskimos' backfield as the blockers tried to hold the Raiders at bay. The opportunity came when Keal took root-- Clement was off and running with blockers to boot.

Heckie Mag Raith made his onfield debut in the dying moments of the first half, only to suffer a game-ending injury at the hands of '23 all-county Halfling Catcher Samuel Cydare minutes later. Also debuting was lineman #15 Cain Roach, who took quite a few ugly clotheslines from the thorny branches of the treemen, but was able to stay on field the whole game-- certainly a virtue as Anchorage was missing so many other players today.

The Raiders made their most threatening strike as they received in the second half. The treemen were mobile once again, and served as the battering ram straight into the heart of the Eskimos backfield. Sensing the room to stall out the slow opponents waning, fivehead ordered a swarm of coverage on Miphates and the halfling train he led. #9 Blitzer Jozafat Gupta made a brilliantly skilled block on the ent, allowing for fuller coverage on the ball which the Raiders' linemen struggled to break out of. Cydare carried to the right flank, but the Eskimos were able to cover this escape well enough that #1 Lineman Linnae Hammons was able to make the sack.

A late-game brawl took place as both sides sent an influx of players to the medical tent, and all at once Catcher Lenard Ainsworth broke free and sprinted to the endzone for the decisive 2-0 victory.

Many Eskimos fans, cynical after the completed road trip, are not satisfied. But lacking the added brawn of the ailing Harper Ink, and cutthroat speed of Casal and Hailey, perhaps this is excusable. Coach fivehead expressed his pride in the players and coaching staff after the game, saying that this win was a "necessary next step after getting the shit [sic] beat out of us all week," and that he "[doesn't] care whether the fans like it or not, [he doesn't] do this for them."

This was certainly a ballsy attitude to take in the post-game press conference, held in Biv's Grotwurst and Ale in downtown Darkshire. But its perhaps one that will benefit in the locker room at the expense of the allegiance of the hardcore Anchorage fan. The team has certainly been a profitable venture thus far for fivehead, but this change of public appearance suggests a different mindset for the coach, who years ago viewed his team's equipment as investments and rosters as capital assets. The storied, and competitively unsuccessful coach may be changing form.
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