“Hey Kids! Its me again,Ima Tard, your Shortbus Riders beat reporter. I'll be travelling with the team all season long and bringing you up to date reports on all your Shortbus News!"<br>
"Unfortunatly we have some sad news this week kids, that loveable gobbo Tourettes met an untimely end this week. Seems he had a spastic fit while stepping out of a tackle zone, and smashed his head like a ripe mellon on the field! We'll always remember you Tourettes, 2 TD runs in two games, nobody flew like that green boy!"<br>
"Now to this weeks game. The opponents today were those creepy crawly fiends from the grave - Nightly Howling! Let's go down to the dressing room and see if we can't get an interview with some of your Shortbus Stars!" *sound of someone clumping down stairs* "Whoa nelly! There's Spastic using the facilities, he had two casualties tonight!" *sounds of a very large bowel movement* "Let's go talk to him! Hey Spastic, 2nd game, and you scored the game tieing TD! Anything to say to the folks back home?" *sound of mighty flatulance* "You said it Spastic that other team sure did stink!"<br>
"Well here's a treat. You'll never believe who just came into the locker room! It's Functionally Retarded, this fellow has been raising havoc on our Triple A team, and it looks like he's gonna get a chance at playing in the big show! Hey Func, any thoughts on being moved up to the pro squad?" *heavy breathing and the sound of drool splattering a microphone* "I happy be here...110 percent...one game time... good buncha guys." <br>
"Thanks Func! He's a real professional and a real inspiration to young ogres everywhere. Here's a piece of gossip I picked up from 'Eavy Udders, that lovely Shortbus cheerleader! Apparently, Tourettes has a brother, who is performing very well for the farm club and we can expect to see him in the big leagues real soon!" <br>
"Well, that's all the time we have this week kids, remember to eat Shortbus nuts, the smelliest nuts on the market! See ya next week!"
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