“Greetings sports fans! Klaus Von Crap keeping all you beer drinking sausage munchers informed on the progress(or lack of it) of the German Vermin in Season X Premier. The first game for our furry fiends pitted them against long time stalwarts, Slumbering Skink. Stocked full of strength, and covered in almost impenetrable armour, the Lizard were far too strong in this outing, taking the game easily, 3-0.
Searching for positives to draw from this game is akin to searching for a needle in a haystack, with the only obvious highlight being the killing of Sshm by Miss Claudia Schiffer. The Vermin's recent inability to cause significant damage to their opponents has been noticed by their Coach, and he has announced extra training sessions this week. They will involve the slaughter of orphans, unicorns and puppies, just to try and reinstill that killer instinct in his charges.

3 Points #7 Kysht
In the Twahnlow voting, Kysht was the obvious standout, and recieves 3 votes. He was the difference between the two teams, providing strength and stability to the Skink's midfield, while handing out punishment to any unfortunate enough to stand near him.

2 Points #9 Thshltraeeay
2 Votes go to Thshltraeeay, simply for surviving the game, most of which the Lizards were without their medic. He also handled the ball distributing duties flawlessly, while his German counterparts fumbled around like midgets in a bowling alley.

1 Point #1 Ghsrss
1 Twahnlow vote goes to Ghsrss, for generally being annoying with his long tail, thick skull, and ability to look out for his team mates, even when under pressure himself.”