“Todays big game was against the 'orrible perverted little monsters known as the Ugly Tripods. Struggling not to drown in smut, the Holes recieved the kick off in the first half under bright sunshine, and started well. Rolling the ball downfield, it seemed certain the score would be 1-0 at halftime to Holes, but confronted with an open goal, and ball firmly in hand, Empire was struck down by monumental drunken stupidity, and instead stood around drooling. 0-0 at halftime.

The second half saw a fast touchdown scored by the dirty little beasts, and after the kick return, Holes tried to toughen up their game. Ship Inn decked Jake the Peg, Lass O'Gowrie slammed a bottle on Like a baby's arm holding apple, badly hurting him, while Crown put Richard Long and Donk out of commision for the rest of the game as well. In return Wristwatch crunched B.O.T.H., and Slappy would have caused Ship Inn to miss his next game, if it wasn't due to some quick work from the medic. Ship, being suitably unimpressed, tore Slappy's middle leg off, and beat him most of the way to death. Quick work from the Tripods plastic surgeon prevented slappy from becoming a Bipod. At some point in the resulting carnage, Tripods managed to run in a 2nd touchdown.

Generally too drunk when it mattered, Holes were fairly disapointing today, and Coach will be looking at ways to keep their minds on job, while of course not inhibiting their alcohol intake.”