“A match like this should have its story told:

So it all came down to this. SlaughterHouse5000 had, by some miracle, made it to the final match in the XFL Chaos tournament. Now they faced a monster team coached by one of the most legendary chaos team coaches on Fumbbl…the dreaded Gerbil’s Avengers. Slaugtherhouse knew they had to pull out all the stops – and were likely to be destroyed anyway!

Preparations began before the match, with just enough cash they hired a second troll to shore up the rather thin Slaughterhouse line. Then the deviousness began, with mixed results. Refs were bribed, local police were fed misinformation, and Max Carnage sewed brass knuckles into his gloves. The team’s attempt to release a powerful biological agent designed to keep half the Avenger’s off the pitch met with poor results, as it merely gave a few players a mild case of …ehm, indigestion.

Seeing that much of the Avenger team would be fit to play, Kilgore again pulled his usual trick of refusing to take the pitch based on his ‘old war wound.’ The team doctor was advised that without the lumbering hulk, the game would be lost from the get go, so he again forced the troll to take the pitch. Kilgore reluctantly went, but not before knocking the medic out cold (he would only awake three days later).

Slaughterhouse won the coin toss, and both teams lined up for the opening kickoff in the pouring rain. However, just as the ball was kicked, the fans broke through the sidelines in a massive throng, and took down nearly half the players on the pitch! There must have been a lot more Slaughterhouse fans, as 6 Avengers went down, yet only 3 Slaughterhouse players.

One of the beastmen, Delightful, would never get back up, while still lying stunned, the near-rookie Slasher ran up and aimed an expert hooved kick right at his helpless head. Which came clean off. The Avenger’s doctor ran out to see if he could help, but returned to the sidelines unsuccessful, claiming there was nothing he could do for such an injury. Deathgerbil grumbled something like “Great, just what we needed, him dead,” although it might have been something about a ‘needle and thread.’

A few moments later, Avenger’s Beastman Nice got revenge, smashing Slasher to the ground with a brutal hit that crunched several vertebrae, putting him out of the match for good. Kiss then followed up on this momentum by fouling prissy Troll Kil-gore Trout out of the match as well! The Avenger’s were back ahead on manpower!

“HELLS BELLS DO SOMETHING!” SlaughterHouse’s coach bellowed. And so they did. Sluggo opened the turn with a brutal block on Joyful – RIP! Knowing the ref was in their pocket, Lucky brazenly gang-fouled Avenger’s chaos warrior Heavenly – RIP! The SlaughterHouse fans went wild!

A short time later though, Bael and Max Carnage were injured on a block and a foul, leaving SlaughterHouse in a tight spot if they wanted to score yet that half, now again outnumbered and with time running out. A failed Go For It opened a window for Buck to break free, but Sluggo could not push back the hulking, tentacled Light, and Buck was entangled. Faith wasted no time giving Buck a shove into the stands, where the fans snapped his other ankle, giving him a matched set.

Second Half would come to be known as ‘The Half of the Stupid Troll’.

After troll Cuddly failed to take his ordered action and instead stood picking the fascinating booger he’d discovered in his cavernous nostril, beastman Loving tried to take out star Ripper Bolgrot, but was himself knocked unconscious.

Slaughterhouse didn’t manage to capitalize well on this, largely due to a small space warp (disconnect) that left a few players badly out of position on the Slaughterhouse side. However, again the coach voiced his desperation to his men, and it was Paxton who took up the call, grabbing Nice by the head, and snapping his neck with a powerful twist. “That was for Slasher!” he bellowed, as the muscled beastman’s lifeless body fell to the pitch.

In the following turns, the Avenger’s ball carrier remained deep, waiting to see what developed in the melee on the line of scrimmage. Slaughterhouse Dirty Player Lucky was knocked out by Kiss, who was then Badly Hurt by Sluggo, taking all remaining Dirty Players off the pitch.

Now badly outnumbered, the Avenger’s decided on an unorthodox play, and Nature took off like a Bat out of Hell for the End Zone. Faith whipped out a Long Bomb, which overshot its mark, but landed safely out of range of any Slaughterhouse players! Ripper then knocked out the tentacled chaos warrior Light, and Gurn Scizzorman and Dead Meat took off at full sprint to catch Nature, but could only just manage to reach him. Nature broke free and snagged the ball, dashing across the line! Touchdown! Avenger’s 1 – SlaughterHouse 0!

The Avenger’s read the SlaughterHouse play well, and were able to counter their positioning, but the last second reposition cost them, and the kick fell short, resulting in a touchback. The Third Kiljoy was handed the ball, and he took off to desperately cross the line before the clock ran out. A desperate attempt to stop him failed, and as the clock ran out, the score was tied 1-1. Overtime!

SlaughterHouse again won the toss, and with all KO’s still asleep, now had a 6 to 5 player advantage. But would it be enough? Ripper wasn’t so sure, but he always wanted to be a part of a winning team…so he opened up Overtime by savagely killing Hugs right off the bat.

Faith again remained deep defense, although this time that gave Slaughterhouse a two to one advantage at scrimmage. Ripper liked those odds, but thought three to one would be better, so he cracked rookie Avenger beastman Shiny right in the kisser, sending him off for the game.

This freed the Slaughterhouse pack to head up the sidelines with Kiljoy again holding the ball. This time though, Faith did an amazing job of repeatedly taking down Slaughterhouse players and stalling the drive all by himself. In the end, he even managed to recover the ball for the Avenger’s side, though he was shortly thereafter sent to meet the fans. The fans threw a reasonably favorable throw-in, and it was rookie beastman Dead Meat who managed to reach the ball and recover it.

Nature made a last ditch effort to blitz down the inexperienced ball carrier, but was tripped up by Sluggo, and went prone just as Dead Meat took off and crossed the End Zone.

There were only moments left of the clock, but if they had to lose, Gerbil’s Avengers would not be robbed of some chance at revenge! The lined up for the final kickoff, with only a second on the clock. At the kick, troll Cuddly roared out “BY NUFFLE I WILL KILL THIS RIPPER BOLGROT WHO STANDS BEFORE M-URRRK! *GAG*” A lone fan, who had come up with Buck’s severed hoof during the first half crowdpush, hurled it with great accuracy at the giant troll…and right down his open gullet! The troll collapsed to the ground, choking and gagging. He was rushed off the pitch, where some ‘emergency surgery’ was performed – they chopped off his head, removed the chunk of hoof, and sewed it back on (the head AND the hoof). Luckily being a troll, this did not prove as fatal as it did to Delightful at the start of the match, and although Buck would never dance again, he was expected to partially recover eventually.

Faith then took down Gurn, and Nature moved in for a final boot to the skull, but was unable to pierce the fallen warrior’s armour. The final whistle blew with a score of Slaughterhouse5000 2 – Gerbil’s Avengers 1.


So, the team that entered XFL Chaos thoroughly expecting to die in fact pulled off one of the greatest upset championships in Fumbbl history, and taking out a huge chunk of their most feared opponent in the process! After the match, Sluggo commented in an interview:

“Well, we knew it would be kill or be killed. And although our coach, and most of our fans, and pretty much everyone I think, figured that we would follow the path of ‘be killed,’ we just decided that no matter if our team was crap or not, we’d come this far and we were going to make this match legendary one way or the other. Many thanks to the fans, who really probably won us the match with their opening kickoff blitzkrieg! It was great living this ‘Cinderella Story’ tournament – er, although in this case Cinderella was 11 guys, had horns, and was covered in blood. But you get the idea.”

The Slaughterhouse head coach said, “We won the whole thing. I’ll be damned. No, really I’ll be damned. I bet my own soul on Gerbil’s Avengers to win. Thanks a lot team.”


Well, I guess when Nuffle’s got your back, he’s got your back. One bad thing about this whole XFL Chaos tourney though: Never again can I complain about bad luck. Ever. Ever. ;)


Final Note: A record THREE SlaughterHouse5000 Medals of valor awarded:
Team Medal for the bloodiest and most exciting match SlaughterHouse ever played.
Individual Medals:
Nice for getting sweet revenge, and then getting revenged upon!
Faith for almost costing Slaughterhouse the game, singlehandedly and multiple times.”