“Stunty mayhem abounded from the start, as a pitch invasion affected four of the porridgers on the opening whistle, forcing the apothecary to be called in.

The little gnomes with chips on their shoulders used the numbers to their advantage, blocking and fouling with abandon to open the field further. This allowed for the first blunderbuss completion in team history.

Sadly, the opposition appeared unimpressed by the gnome tactics, speaking little after the opening kick, and leaving the match milliseconds after it ended without saying a word.”