PART I

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

[Hospital corridor. A mother-to-be is being wheeled very fast down
the corridor on a trolley, which crashes through several sets of
doors. A nurse with her slips into a consultant's room, where one
doctor is throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of another.]

First Doctor: One thousand and eight!

Nurse: Mrs Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor.

First Doctor: Good. Take her into the foetus-frightening room.

Nurse: Right.

[They pass through the delivery room.]

First Doctor: Bit bare in here today. isn't it?

Second Doctor: Yeees.

First Doctor: More apparatus please, nurse.

Nurse: Yes doctor.

First Doctor: Yes, the EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV, please.

Second Doctor: And get the machine that goes 'Ping'!

First Doctor: And get the most expensive machines in case the
administrator comes.

[Apparatus starts pouring into the room. The mother is
lost behind various bits of equipment.]

First Doctor: That's better, that's much better.

Second Doctor: Yeeees. More like it.

First Doctor: Still something missing, though. [They think hard for
a few moments.]

First and Second Doctors: Patient?

Second Doctor: Where's the patient?

First Doctor: Anyone seen the patient?

Second Doctor: Patient!

Nurse: Ah, here she is.

First Doctor: Bring her round.

Second Doctor: Mind the machine!

First Doctor: Come along!

Second Doctor: Jump up there. Hup!

First Doctor: Hallo! Now, don't you worry.

Second Doctor: We'll soon have you cured.

First Doctor: Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.

First and Second Doctors: Goodbye, goodbye! Drips up! Injections.

Second Doctor: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

First Doctor: Only if I can do the epesiotomy.

Second Doctor: Okay.

First Doctor: Now, legs up.

[The legs are put in the stirrups, while the Doctors open
the doors opposite.]

First and Second Doctors: Come on. Come on, all of you. That's it,
jolly good. Come on. Come on. Spread round there.

[A small horde enters, largely medical but with two
Japanese with cameras and video equipment. The first
doctor bumps into a man.]

First Doctor: Who are you?

Man: I'm the husband.

First Doctor: I'm sorry. only people involved are allowed in here.

[The husband leaves.]

Mrs Moore: What do I do?

Second Doctor: Yes?

Mrs Moore: What's that for?

[She points to a machine.]

First Doctor: That's the machine that goes 'Ping'!

[It goes 'Ping'.]

First Doctor: You see. It means that your baby is still alive.

Second Doctor: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole
hospital.

First Doctor: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

Second Doctor: Aren't you lucky!

Nurse: The administrator's here, doctor.

First Doctor: Switch everything on!

[They do so. Everything flashes and beeps and thuds.
Enter the administrator...]

Administrator: Morning, gentlemen.

First and Second Doctors: Morning Mr Pycroft.

Administrator: Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?

First Doctor: It's a birth.

Administrator: And what sort of thing is that?

Second Doctor: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's
tummy.

Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you
have the machine that goes 'Ping'. This is my favourite. You
see we lease this back to the company we sold it to. That
way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the
capital account. [They all applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We
try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

[He leaves.]

Nurse: Oh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

First Doctor: Yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres, five,
six centimetres...

First and Second Doctors: Lights! Amplify the ping machine. Masks
up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes!

[The baby arrives.]

First Doctor: And frighten it!

[They grab the baby, hold it upside down, slap it, poke
tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the baby
is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus
severed with a chopper.]

And the rough towels!

[It is dried with rough towels.]

Show it to the mother.

[It is shown to the mother.]

First and Second Doctors: That's enough! Right. Sedate her, number
the child. Measure it, blood type it and... *isolate* it.

Nurse: OK, show's over.

Mrs Moore: Is it a boy or a girl?

First Doctor: Now I think it's a little early to start imposing
roles on it, don't you? Now a world of advice. You may find
that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of
depression. PND is what we doctors call it. So it's lots of
happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth
when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.