TROPHY ROOM

Hahahahaha, you actually clicked that?

TEAM & PLAYER RECORDS

Top	Name	#
Games	Fungus	72
Completions (9)	Fungus Bozo	2
Touchdowns (101)	Puck da Luck Scuzz	12
Interceptions (0)
Casualties (133)	Bozo	38
Most Valuable Player (73)	Boggo le Gobbo	9
Star Player Points (205)	Whirling Wilf	24
Passing (14)	Scuzz	5
Rushing (2054)	Scuzz	300
Blocks (2278)	Fungus	450
Fouls (315)	Boggo le Gobbo	146
Scoring Thrower	Slippery Sam Scuzz Fungus Boggit McBogface Turd Zitty Zit Zit-Zit	1
Blocking Thrower	Fungus Bozo	2
Blocking Scorer	Puck da Luck	8
Triple	Scuzz Fungus	1
All-rounder

PLAYERS

You want to know about Aintz players? Seriously? How long have you got? I mean let's face it, if Big Chief Sitting Duck had not written 'Bludd Bowul Teem' on the paperwork he'd probably be in court accused of genocide (rather than just slavery, theft, arson and racketeering... goblin mine ownership is a complicated business after all). Oh ok, if you must - how about these then...

Stumpel Riltskin - Goblin Lineman and original Captain of the Aintz. Miraculously returned the ball the entire length of the pitch on his very first reception, on the first play of the Aintz' first game, evading hordes of humans while the trolls picked their noses/looked bemusedly at their new shoulder pads and the Apothecary was already trying to remove Bazza's chainsaw from his rectum*. A touchdown that will go down forever in Aintz folklore!

Whirling Wilf - Star Fanatic. Most fans who come to Aintz games want to see Whirling Wilf, the greatest Fanatic Star of all time in the Competitive division. He may be a dizzy little mushroom-fogged maniac, but he has developed tremendous leg and arm muscles. These give long spins that can completely skittle opposing lines of whoever is bold enough to stand up there, leaving a pile of fodder for the following boots and spikes... when he goes the right way of course!

* his own rectum unfortunately.

*** Did you know...

Recognising that the only, remote chance of the Aintz scoring a touchdown is often closely tied to goblin aerodynamics, Big Chief Sitting Duck conducted a big experiment on helmet shapes. After getting the trolls to hurl 100 goblins with either square or pointy helmets, and recording 100% mortality in both study groups, he concluded that it 'dunt reely matta innit'. Although it might have been an idea to conduct the experiment OUTSIDE the mine...

Did you ALSO know:

It has come to the attention of the management that fans have been complaining about the Aintz throwing 3.2 gratuitous fouls per match in their first five games. On behalf of all Aintz staff we would like to apologise deeply, humbly and unreservedly about the despicable conduct of our players. We have taken the following immediate actions to rectify this deplorable situation:

- all players will now have their boots fitted with Orcidas 4" stainless steel 'Bear-Killa' spikes;
- any player guilty of not making a foul in a game will have 10,000 Volts applied to his testicles in the next 'teem bildin' session;
- the previous Fouling Coach has been fired - from a large cannon towards Bozo the troll, who was not previously fed for a week, and in front of all the players to teach them about the consequences of failure*

We thank fans for their patience and pledge that Aintz behaviour on the pitch will deteriorate hugely in our next games.

* It must be said quite a few of the players were rather non-plussed by this spectacle, claiming that they were experts in failure already. However team morale was improved massively.



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