| | Player | Position | Games | SPPs | Skills | Injuries |
| 7 | Run! Piggy, Piggy!! | Thrower | 3 | 1 | Sure Hands, Pass | n |
| 16 | C'mere and drool on my face! | Human Lineman | 4 | 0 | | |
| 13 | That's a nice tie!! | Human Lineman | 7 | 0 | | |
| 15 | Nonsensical!!? Yet you envy me! | Human Lineman | 11 | 7 | +MA | m |
| 7 | Floss often! | Thrower | 8 | 4 | Sure Hands, Pass | -av |
| 12 | Demon Weasil! | Blitzer | 13 | 19 | Block, Mighty Blow, Dodge | m, d |
| 11 | Gimme some cheese! | Human Lineman | 16 | 3 | | m |
| 7 | Yeah you! I know what you really are! | Lineman | 6 | 3 | | m, n, m |
| 2 | And that is why toaster pastries will burst into flames if you don't keep an eye on them! | Blitzer | 4 | 1 | Block | d |
| 10 | Parts break after overuse! | Blitzer | 2 | 0 | Block | m, n |
| 14 | Under such extreme heat, wear and degradation is inevitable! | Lineman | 6 | 0 | | d |
| 13 | Oh, so splendid! | Lineman | 17 | 8 | Dirty Player | n, d |
| 11 | Oh, don't you see the toenails?! | Lineman | 9 | 2 | | d |
| 10 | Moooo! Woof! | Blitzer | 5 | 6 | Block, +MA | m, n |
| 7 | That lipstick's the wrong color for you! | Blitzer | 10 | 6 | Block, Side Step | m, n |
| 7 | Brought into animation by some evil force of forceful evil! | Blitzer | 2 | 0 | Block | d |
| 2 | You're all zombie thigh-fat people! | Blitzer | 11 | 22 | Block, Mighty Blow, Tackle | m, n |
| 11 | I see what is transpiring here! | Blitzer | 5 | 8 | Block, Tackle | m, n |
| 3 | You will NOT sink my cheerio! | Human Lineman | 31 | 21 | Guard, Block | m, m |
| 11 | I see your game! | Blitzer | 1 | 5 | Block | m, n |
| 10 | Wait just a polyp picking minute!! | Lineman | 9 | 2 | | d |
| 12 | Heeeey! Waidaminit! | Thrower | 19 | 32 | Pass, Sure Hands, Accurate, Safe Throw, Strong Arm | n, d |
| 11 | Check out my armpits! | Lineman | 3 | 0 | | d |
| 10 | Holy wax! | Lineman | 1 | 0 | | m, n |
| 9 | Stare deep into the abyss of my individually wrapped slices! | Human Lineman | 35 | 32 | Block, Sure Hands, Tackle | m, m |
| 8 | I have powers pinto beans can only dream of! | Human Lineman | 34 | 39 | Block, +MA, Dirty Player | -ma, m |
| 7 | Drool over my magical powers! | Lineman | 8 | 17 | Block, Tackle | m, n |
| 6 | I sense your envy of my neck! | Human Lineman | 37 | 42 | Block, Tackle, Mighty Blow | -ma |
| 5 | Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mind numbing explosions of wicked noise! | Lineman | 29 | 26 | Kick, Dirty Player | n, m, -av |
| 4 | Meow! Meow! Meow! Cat chow! | Catcher | 21 | 41 | Catch, Dodge, Block, Side Step, +AG | -st, d |
| 3 | Goddamn my navel itches!! | Blitzer | 4 | 2 | Block | m, -av |
| 2 | Rise up and bare your fangs at the oppressive leash wielding demon!! | Blitzer | 6 | 5 | Block | d |
| 1 | Hey, Dog Entity! | Blitzer | 32 | 28 | Block, Strip Ball, Dodge | d |
Chainsaw Tactics