<B>Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness</B>

WINSTON, NC—Americans have known for years that smoking is a direct cause of coolness. But a recent study funded by R.J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and several other cigarette conglomerates proves conclusively that the cool effects of smoking are not limited to the smoker.
In these photos provided by the Tobacco Institute, an average-looking nobody (inset) becomes a really cool guy, simply by sitting near a smoker.
According to the study, secondhand smoke is a leading cause of coolness, and is only slightly less cool than actual smoking.
As a result of the study, cigarette companies are encouraging non-smokers to frequent smoky bars and make friends with smokers. The companies are also speaking out against laws that mandate separate non-smoking areas in public places.
"We are only acting in the interests of the public at large," R.J. Reynolds spokesperson Ron Gronfeld said. "We're not saying non-smokers are going to die as a result of their actions, but we do want to make sure they know they're not as cool as they could be."
Gronfeld referred to a "three-level progression" of coolness that non-smokers experienced in the study. Level one could be observed as soon as the non-smoker sat down at a barstool near a person enjoying a delicious cigarette.
"Even the nerdiest subject we could find somehow appeared cool when interacting with his smoking partner," Gronfeld said. "Just the fact that the subject was brave enough to breathe deadly secondhand smoke established him as a hip, freethinking individual, the kind of person who might one day run with the bulls in Pamplona."
Level two begins after a non-smoker has been in a smoke-filled environment for at least an hour. At this point, the non-smoker's clothes begin to stink of smoke, and he develops a dry, hacking cough. Bronchial fits are directly proportional to mucus overproduction, respiratory cyanosis and coolness. The smelly clothing leads to coolness because the nonsmoker smells to others as if he smokes two or more packs a day, which is a very cool thing to do.
Level three occurs once the non-smoker admits to himself that smoking is cool, and then starts smoking himself. "Even if a former non-smoker only smokes in bars or social situations, we feel as if we have scored a victory," Gronfeld said.
Smokers across the country feel vindicated by the study, claiming it proves what they have believed all along. "It's an exciting time to be a smoker," University of Virginia freshman Gina Pongres said. "It made me look grown- up in high school, and now that I'm older, it just makes me look cool." Her boyfriend, sophomore Tom Willard, agrees. "She always looks sexy smoking at the bars," he said. "I myself don't smoke, but I sure feel cool when I'm with Gina."
David Prochnow, president of United Smokers of America, says there has never been such a good time to seek out the friendship of smokers.
"Cigarette companies need our help," he said. "They want to get Third World countries addicted to American cigarettes, but that's going to take money. Now that this study has been released, I'm confident that even nonsmokers will make donations to cigarette companies, thanking them for the gift of coolness."
Prochnow went on to praise the tobacco companies for adding freon, nicotine and dozens of other poisonous substances to tobacco.
"Anyone would be seen as cool if their bodies were strong enough to handle even one of those chemicals. But smokers, being the coolest people around, have no problem breathing all of them at once," he said. "And breathing those chemicals secondhand is almost as cool."
R.J. Reynolds plans to use the study's findings as evidence this fall, when it petitions the government to encourage smoking among newborns.

<B>Egyptian Conservationists Fight To Protect Dwindling Mummy Population</B>

CAIRO—As the sun sets over Cairo, the streets are eerily quiet. Just a few years ago, the hillsides from Luxor to Giza would have been buzzing with the familiar sounds of tomb doors creaking open and bones snapping under the methodical shuffling of a slow, catatonic gait. But the telltale signs of Egypt's indigenous mummy population have fallen silent recently, and the fearsome creatures that once lurched freely across the Valley of the Kings are disappearing at an alarming rate. If nothing is done, experts say, the Egyptian mummy will soon go the way of the Bavarian lycanthrope or the Transylvanian vampire, and vanish forever.
Afterlife Preservation Society president James Amarcas said he can recall a time when Egyptians did not have to go to a museum, but could look out their window and see an entire herd of shroud-wrapped forms staggering on missions of revenge.
"My grandchildren have still never seen a mummy," said Amarcas, who vividly recalls his first mummy sighting in 1947, when he was just 3 years old. "These terrible monsters are little more than a legend to them. It's sad to think they might never see the bloodthirsty march of an undead Egyptian prince on a cool, calm night."
Prospects for Egypt's mummies are grim. A population that reached more than 12,000 in 1970 has today dropped to less than 300.
More alarmingly, it appears their natural lifecycle has been permanently disrupted. The Sakkara region had long supported a small number of looters and adventurers dismissive of natives' warnings about supernatural curses, prompting the ancient dormant creatures to emerge and seek fresh revenge—a natural cycle of death and rebirth that for centuries insured a regular habitat for the mummies.
Modern advances, however, have strained this delicate balance. Many of the slow-moving creatures are crushed each year on the superhighways that surround Cairo. Hydroelectric dams along the Nile River destroy countless mummies when rising waters soak through their dusty rags and dissolve their arid, desiccated bodies.
Four millennia ago, Egyptians attempted to preserve their mummies for eternity with deadly curses meant to kill or ward off potential invaders. But the old ways seem to have little effect on modern poachers who bring mummies to the Western world and sell them for millions of dollars to collectors and museums.
In response, a coalition group has proposed the so-called Mummy Conservation Act to the Egyptian Parliament, which aims to create a refuge to protect mummies, relocating them to reserves where they can guard their stone amulets in peace.
"In addition, inhabited tombs would be put on 24-hour surveillance, mummies would be tagged with tracking collars, and many items would be banned from all tombs," Amarcas said. "Especially torches, as mummies are very susceptible to fire."
The bill would also put severe restrictions on tourists eager to catch a glimpse of the breathtaking monsters.
"These people have no respect for the mummies' environment, and do irreparable harm to the precious crowns, elaborate masks, and golden staffs the mummies need to survive in the afterlife," mummy activist Adjo Quaashie said. "Without these most basic worldly possessions, the mummy is rendered helpless on its voyage to the next world on the barge of the god Osiris."
"Shawabti shobek, djed dromos, ankh amun!" Quaashie added, invoking an ancient incantation for raising the dead.
Experts suspect many mummies have simply become disoriented and wandered off their usual migratory paths, while others are thought to be doggedly pursuing trespassers who disturbed their sanctuaries, even as the foreign visitors return to their home countries thousands of miles away.
Most conservation groups, however, stress that Egyptians should focus on preserving the mummies that still remain, though recent efforts to increase their numbers by breeding them in captivity have failed, since mummies are dead and therefore cannot reproduce.

<B>Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain</B>

AUGUSTA, GA—Augusta National, home of the Masters Tournament, honored 1997 Masters champion Tiger Woods Monday, giving him his own drinking fountain at the prestigious country club.
"Tiger, for your historic achievement, setting an all-time Masters Tournament record, we present you with this beautiful, specially designated drinking fountain," said Augusta National president Gary Brewer. "All other golfers will drink from a different fountain, which you, as an honored champion, will have no need to use."
The new fountain, clearly labeled "Tiger Woods," will be located behind the outhouse between the 16th and 17th holes, far away from the distractions of other golfers.
"With your win, you join an elite group of Masters champions, including Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus," Brewer said. "We are confident that, as golf's next great and someone we will likely be seeing a lot more of in the future, you will honor and obey their legacies. We have no doubt that, as they did before you, you will remain well-behaved and respectful of Augusta's traditions."
Woods' fellow golfers are equally impressed with the 21-year-old sensation. "Rarely does a new golfer come along who is so different from the rest," said 1992 Masters winner Fred Couples. "He is not at all like us."
Augusta officials stressed that Woods is a valuable addition to the prestigious course's lofty ranks and has never, to the best of their knowledge, been convicted of a felony.
Additional honors were bestowed upon the Masters champion when Augusta announced a special new security squad, which will monitor Woods at all times during his visits to the club. "It is important to us that Augusta members feel secure in the knowledge that Tiger Woods is fully protected and supervised while golfing here," Brewer said.
With his Masters win, Woods will also enjoy unlimited, lifetime use of the Augusta National course. "Tiger is welcome to enjoy his championship privileges here at Augusta any time he wants," Brewer said, "provided we are given enough advance notice to alert and reschedule other golfers in order to best accommodate him."
Brewer added that there are many less-exclusive public courses near Augusta that offer excellent golfing, and encouraged Woods to patronize these as well, in order to maximize his golfing variety and enjoyment.
In addition to the fountain, Woods will receive his own dining area, locker room and personal entrance at the rear of the Augusta clubhouse.

<B>After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack</B>

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.
According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the station's reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the Chernobyl disaster, "can wait."
"We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan," al-Sharif said. "But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels."
"Probably," added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.
Though the members of the cell said that they "live only to spill the blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims," they cited additional reasons for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging lower-back pain.
"I think I'm entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to provide me with," munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb during the attack. "Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats."
Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers.
"Don't get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis]," al-Tantawi said. "But I'm no longer the new guy—why bust my ass all day long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don't savor staying up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful infidel Chris Daughtry and relax."
Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would have to "lose a few pounds, Allah willing" before being able to fulfill his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor's spent fuel storage area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing radioactive material.
Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell's greatest stumbling block.
"Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew," said Adib Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. "Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that first cup of coffee, forget it."
Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the "San Clemente Six" since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell's status was recently downgraded to "low risk," due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month's online purchase of a hammock.

<B>Army Cadets Under Investigation For 'Killing'</B>

FORT BENNING, GA—In what has been dubbed "the most serious military scandal yet," the U.S. Army revealed Monday that several of its cadets may have been involved in a "killing" incident while serving in the Persian Gulf in 1991.
"If the allegations are true, this is an outrage," recently appointed Defense Secretary William Cohen said in a hastily arranged press conference. "This type of reckless, barbaric behavior will not be tolerated among the men and women serving in our armed forces."
Cohen has ordered a full investigation into this and any other rumored cases of Army-related killing.
The incident allegedly took place Feb. 25, 1991, just outside Baghdad, Iraq, and may have involved as many as seven soldiers in the 115th Light Infantry Company and 484th Armored Division, both of which are stationed at Fort Benning.
According to eyewitness reports, at approximately 7 a.m., the cadets came within several dozen yards of a smaller group of Iraqi cadets. Without announcing their presence, the cadets proceeded to "kill" the Iraqis, using their rifles to place bullets in their heads or chest cavities.
Even when several of the Iraqis expressed an unwillingness to submit to the killing, the cadets refused to desist. Instead, they employed potentially hazardous grenades and napalm-tipped anti-personnel missiles to create explosions which also proved effective in killing.
The incident ended only after the Iraqis, afraid they would all be "killed," attempted to resist by using their own rifles, prompting the cadets to drive a 40-ton M-1 Abrams main battle tank into the area. The tank was then maneuvered directly onto the Iraqis, killing them all.
The incident, which involved army-issue equipment and may have had tacit approval from the cadets' commanding officers, is believed by some to have been only a small part of a complex, large-scale effort to subdue and humiliate Iraqi military cadets.
"There is reason to believe that the orders to fatally haze the Iraqis may have come from much higher up," Georgetown University professor and military expert Nathan Gregory said. "Not only was this behavior condoned by the cadets' commanding officers, it was almost encouraged."
"Killing is one of the most extreme and brutal forms of hazing," said Barbara Jacobs of the New York-based Citizens' Alliance watchdog group. "In addition to causing severe physical damage, from which many people never recover, the psychological effects are incalculable."
"What went on in the Persian Gulf was outrageous and morally reprehensible," added Jacobs. "It was even worse than Tailhook."
The scandal has shaken the Pentagon into action. A hotline has been set up to allow victims of "killing" to bypass the normal military bureaucracy and report incidents directly. The system has already been inundated with calls from such diverse locations as Japan, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, Cuba and various Central American countries.
Pentagon officials are also organizing killing-sensitivity training seminars for soldiers who are stationed in close proximity to foreign troops. Instructors from within the ranks will counsel soldiers on appropriate conduct, raise enlisted men's awareness of behavior that constitutes killing, and educate soldiers on non-killing solutions to high-stress situations.
"These soldiers have got to know that there are alternatives," said Pentagon spokesperson Richard Pappas.
Representatives of Colt Repeating Arms, the manufacturer of the guns in question, and the Chrysler Corporation, which produces the M-1 tank, were also quick to condemn what they called "gross irresponsibility" in the misuse of their products.
"We want America to know that the Colt Armalite A-15 7.62mm Assault Carbine has always been an instrument of peaceful relations among men," said Brent Carman, a PR executive at Colt. "They do not kill people. Only people can do that."
Despite strong words of condemnation from top Pentagon officials, many other military personnel defended the soldiers' actions.
"Sometimes, when those tracers are going off overhead, and your platoon is pinned down by enemy fire, it can seem to a young recruit that killing is the only way out," said Sgt. Dick Tunney. "I served in Vietnam, and I understand the strain these kids are under."
Tunney stressed that he himself never killed any Vietnamese, just "pushed them hard."
"Obviously a problem exists," Brigadier General Kurt Stonebender said. "But you can't ignore the fact that, despite the number of reported cases of killing, none of the claims came from people who had actually been killed themselves. I'd like to hear from some of the actual victims before moving too far forward with this."

<B>Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes</B>

HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.
"As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media," said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area terrorist maniac. "None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance."
He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.
"It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people," al Hamad said. "We should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed Palestinian gunman is an individual."
Al Hamad said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Any time I enter a crowded temple with fully loaded AK-47s in both hands, people just assume I'm going to open fire," he said. "That really hurts."
"Yes, I sometimes do gun people down in the name of the One True God," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."
Several weeks ago, al Hamad was again the victim of stereotyping during a vacation he took with his family to Washington, D.C.
"When we arrived at the airport in Washington, security guards detained us for more than 12 hours, just because I had 140 pounds of plastic explosives strapped to my chest," al Hamad said. "Do you think they would have called the FBI if I weren't a crazed Palestinian who's on their Ten Most Wanted List? I don't think so."
Al Hamad said his vacation was ruined when federal agents seized a crate of chemical weapons he had brought into the U.S. as a gift for a friend in New York.
"I explained to them that the weapons were a birthday present for the blind cleric Sayid al Farouq, a good friend of mine from high school," he said. "But they did not believe me and took me into federal custody for nine weeks. Again, it's a case of people jumping to conclusions on the basis of skin color. And that can be very frustrating."
According to al Hamad, stereotypes against crazed Palestinian gunmen don't work because they don't take into account the vast variety of proud histories and diverse cultures among them.
"There are so many different kinds of crazed Palestinian gunmen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for our bus bombings and suicide missions," he said. "No two fundamentalist agendas are alike."
Al Hamad also stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating the cultural differences between crazed Palestinian gunmen and non-crazed, non-Palestinian non-gunmen.
"All the different peoples of the world have something special to offer each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."
To emphasize his point, al Hamad fired into a crowd, killing nine.
"I'm proud to be a crazed Palestinian gunman, obviously," he said in between shouts of anti-imperialist slogans. "But I'm an individual first. I'm me. Die, Yankee infidel pig swine!"

<B>Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit For Crocodile Hunter's Death</B>

Millions worldwide were stunned by the September death of Steve Irwin, TV's Crocodile Hunter, and were further shocked by the release of a videotaped message from Osama bin Laden, in which the al-Qaeda leader took responsibility for the Australian wildlife enthusiast's death.
"We have no compassion for those who exploit Allah's creation for their own gain and glory, and we will continue to strike with righteous barbs into the oppressors' hearts," bin Laden said. The videotape was released to the Australian Animal Planet channel on Sept. 9, five days after Irwin's death. "Praise be to Allah, who permitted the wronged to retaliate against the oppressor in kind!"
While Irwin's family has not commented on the statement, Australian Prime Minister John Howard denounced the act shortly after Irwin's funeral.
"Our nation has lost a wonderful man and a colorful native son," Howard told a grieving crowd of thousands in Sydney. "I urge President Bush to resume the hunt for this deranged madman bin Laden."
To prevent possible additional terrorist attacks on other daytime cable TV personalities, heavy security details have been placed around What Not To Wear's Stacy London, the Food Network's Paula Deen, the American Chopper guys, and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

<B>Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits</B>

Big dreams are a way of life for Playboy centerfold Cyndi Tyler. The 22-year-old Miss January comes from a close-knit North Dakota family of big dreamers. "Since as long as I can remember," Tyler says, "I've been taught that you should dream big, and I do. I have really big dreams."
Tyler also has really big tits. Big tits also run in the Tyler family. Her mother, June, and her younger sister, Stephanie, both sport large, full tits. Tyler's chest measurement is 38 inches, and she wears a D-cup brassiere.
Tyler stares starward and smiles when talking about her dreams. "I want to run my own company one day," she says. "I want to go into marketing and help promote new computer and technology products that are environmentally sound." That, Tyler says, is her big dream.
Tyler's big tits are firm, bouncy tits with just a hint of a tan line left from her favorite Hawaiian Tropic bikini top. She smiles coquettishly and suggestively when cupping and cradling her tits.
Tyler believes in acting on her dreams. "Without a game plan, your dreams are never going to come true," she says. Tyler says she keeps a daily list of small, incremental goals which will lead, slowly but surely, to the fulfillment of larger life goals. "I'm very motivated," she added.
Tyler also believes in caressing her big tits. "I like to soap them up in the shower and massage them, then tease my nipples. Sometimes while I do this I dream of being kissed by my boyfriend." Tyler adds that she almost never caresses her big tits "without a game plan."
Tyler knows that belief in herself can only take her so far. "My family and friends are very supportive of me. They believe in me, and that gives me strength." It really helps me focus on my goals when I know the people around me have faith that I'll succeed."
Tyler enjoys having her big tits sucked and licked by her boyfriend. "When he does that to me, I always seem to reach my goal. Whether it's mild, pleasurable stimulation or all-out orgasm, I know that I'll succeed."

<B>Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:
''Elp! 'Elp! Me 'ouse is on fire!' shouts adorable Brit</B>

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
"'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the neighbors and members of the news media who had gathered to watch the plucky little gent in his latest misadventure. "I think it started in the gare-age! Please, ring up the fire brigade, me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere!"
The native population of England, known as the "British," are diverse in class and income, but the most lovable of all is the Cockney, a lower-class Londoner. Known as a drinker and carouser, and frequently out of work, the Cockney greets the world with a smile and a saucy wink, for he knows that life is but an elaborate charade.
That irreverent yet exuberant attitude was well evident as Edney ran about on his stout little legs and waved his stumpy arms frantically.
"Oh, God, 'elp me!" Edney shouted to his neighbors, who couldn't help but chuckle at Edney's beet-red expression. "Edna and the li'l lad is in 'at 'ouse! For the love of God, I'm begging you! 'Ey're goin' t'die in 'ere if somebody don't come 'elp!"
"He's just so cute!" said Harriet Gustafson, one of many charmed neighbors. "He has a little ruddy face and wears his little tweed cap cocked to one side. Just like Andy Capp!"
Not surprisingly, Edney's newfound American friends sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding just what the funny fellow is saying. Just last week, Edney complained to his landlord that the "telly" that came with his "bed-sit" sometimes shot off "sparks" and at one point caused his "drapes" to "smolder."
"I still can't figure out what he meant," shrugged Delmore Properties president Jim Delmore. "He just talks so crazy!"
But even if he doesn't always make himself understood, Edney's hardly one to let that stop him: "'Ere, give us a 'and with this 'ose! No, the 'ose, the 'ose! Oh, dear God, the smoke is just too thick! Oh, poor Edna! And li'l Timmy! 'Elp! Fire! For the love of God—firemen, please 'urry!"
"Look at him," neighbor Nancy Marcus cooed. "With his face all covered in soot and ash, he looks just like one of those chimneysweeps from Mary Poppins!"
But, as always, Edney is ever ready with a snappy answer. "'Elp! 'Urry! You sodding, rotten, bloody, uncaring bastards! Rot, I say! Rot in 'ell, the whole bloody stinkin' lot of you!"

<B>New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters</B>

NEW YORK—As part of his ongoing campaign to revitalize New York City's public image through a citywide clean-up effort, mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced Monday the installation of special "infants only" dumpsters throughout the greater New York metropolitan area.
It is hoped that the new dumpsters will provide a convenient, germ-free baby-dumping option for low-income single mothers, enabling them to abandon their unwanted infants in a tidier, more health-conscious manner than before.
The new, clearly labeled dumpsters are also expected to make it significantly easier for city workers to collect and sort the estimated 25,000 babies placed in New York-area trash receptacles each year.
"By providing these mothers with a safe, convenient receptacle for unwanted babies, instead of requiring them to deposit them along with garbage of other types, New York is saying, 'Yes, we care,' Giuliani told reporters at a City Hall press conference.
While the infant-dedicated dumpsters will cost an estimated $220 million to install and maintain, Giuliani is confident they will more than make up for their cost in the long run. "Babies deposited in the new dumpsters will be collected, tagged and redistributed in a far more organized manner than those left in traditional multi-use dumpsters or garbage cans," Giuliani said. "This will greatly reduce the strain on our city's already sorely overtaxed human-services and child-welfare departments, saving millions over the long haul."
The new devices will also make it easier for city sanitation workers to separate recyclable metals, paper and plastics from non-recyclables, a task that, until now, was needlessly complicated by the presence of human children among the materials to be reclaimed.
Among the new dumpsters' many impressive features, according to the mayor: a unique soundproof design which minimizes the high-volume, panicked wails of infants crying out in desperation for their parents' return, and a patented, easy-to-clean design that requires only periodic hosings to flush out accumulated waste.
"These dumpsters' revolutionary 'E-Z Kleen' design will greatly reduce the amount of time abandoned infants will have to lie helpless in their own urine, vomit and fecal matter," Giuliani said. "It will also reduce the risk of cockroach infestation in the open wounds the newborns will likely develop, as well as the risk of injuries caused by maggot bites and rat attacks."
Mayoral aide Edwin Steep was equally enthusiastic. "With these new receptacles, a projected 17 percent fewer abandoned babies will be blinded by rats, which tend to attack the soft, vulnerable eye sockets of human infants first," he said.
Furthermore, Steep said, a large, bright-pink smiley-face decal affixed to the inside lower lid of the dumpsters will help reduce the intense and potentially psyche-shattering abandonment trauma experienced by pre-verbal human infants whose parents leave them to die.
"Regular dumpsters are not equipped with this added smiley-face feature," Steep said.
According to Giuliani, the elimination of infants from regular city dumpsters will have an added bonus, creating more dumpster-based, no-cost housing for the city's estimated 400,000 homeless residents, many of whom rely on the heat produced by decomposing organic waste for shelter and survival during New York's often brutal winters.
"By clearing dumpster space of babies, we are opening up vast new living spaces for the urban poor," Giuliani said. "And that's something we can all feel good about."

<B>Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad</B>

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.
"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."
The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.
"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."
Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.
"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"
University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.
"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."
Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.
"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."
"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.
Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.
"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."
"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.
Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.
Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.
"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."

<B>Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability</B>

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—The Irish Republican Army announced Monday that it will embark on the most aggressive campaign of violence in its history if McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are not made available year-round.
Gerry Adams, leader of IRA political wing Sinn Fein, wants the British to grant Northern Ireland year-round access to minty, delicious Shamrock Shakes.
"The Shamrock Shake is a frosty, minty symbol of all that we hold dear," said Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein, the IRA's political wing. "It is shameful that we as a people cannot enjoy this proud, symbolic beverage any more than one week a year."
"Unless the British government loosens its iron grip on this most Irish of shakes," Adams continued, "the streets will once again run red with English blood."
British Prime Minister John Major refused to give in to the IRA demands. "The extremist threats of these people are unconscionable," Major said in an impassioned speech before Parliament. "The Shamrock Shake is only avaliable for a limited time."
"Having to endure this appalling shake once a year is bad enough," House of Lords member Edward Shropshire-Fentwick said. "It will be a black day in England indeed when the Irish masses are free to have their barbaric shake whenever and wherever they want it."
In addition to year-round Shamrock Shake availability, the IRA called for the immediate release of the infamous "Shake Seven." Imprisoned since 1983 in connection with the bombing of a McDonald's Anglican Apple shake-mix factory in Manchester, the radical Shamrock Shake activists maintain their innocence to this day.
"If fighting on behalf of what one believes in is a crime, then let us all hang," said Liam O'Fachna, the group's leader, from his cell in Birmingham Jail. "Shamrock Shakes forever."
The IRA also demanded that the delicious, Irish-Catholic-themed shakes be available at all restaurants, not just at participating McDonald's. "No single restaurant chain should have control over our delicious, frosty heritage," Adams said.
Though a connection has not been confirmed, Monday's IRA announcement coincided with an explosion at a British bank in Long Strand, an East Belfast enclave of Protestant vanilla-shake drinkers. In addition, a truck carrying Alpine Raspberry shake mix—McDonald's next scheduled specialty flavor—was overturned in the Ardoyne neighborhood of Belfast.
In a videotaped statement from an IRA safehouse somewhere near Belfast, Uncle O'Grimacey, the most radical member of the Grimace family, demanded the immediate loosening of Shamrock Shake restrictions throughout Northern Ireland. "Release the shakes to us at once," O'Grimacey said, "or the lives of your children will be forfeit."
McDonald's shake representative Grimace was quick to distance himself from his IRA-member uncle. "All shakes in their time is my watchword, and certain flavors all year," Grimace said. "O'Grimacey is a radical Grimace acting without the approval of the McDonald's corporation."
The Shamrock Shake was banned in Northern Ireland until 1920, when Parliament finally voted to allow its consumption once a year, during the week of St. Patrick's Day. Between 1968 and 1994, more than 3,000 were killed in shake-related violence, including some 350 deaths during the "Minty March" Riots of 1974.
According to Irish legend, the Shamrock Shake first appeared when a statue of the Virgin Mary in front of St. Matthew's Cathedral in Belfast cried a 16-ounce quantity of the green beverage in 1605.

<B>ValuJet Cleared To Resume Flights To Ocean Floor</B>

After more than five months on suspension following a May 1996 crash, ValuJet Airlines has finally been given FAA clearance to resume flights to the ocean floor.
ValuJet's inaugural return flight, Flight 150, is scheduled to leave Miami International Airport early Friday morning. The non-stop flight from Miami to the Atlantic Ocean is expected to arrive at its destination, a deep undersea canyon located some 50 miles off the southern tip of Greenland, at approximately 5 p.m. EST.
According to ValuJet officials, all 279 passengers on-board Flight 150, including U.S. Undersecretary of Transportation William Eggiman and New Orleans Saints backup tight end Pete Washington, will be killed.
A large crowd of fish and sea coral are expected to greet the plane, including a school of sharks who will eat the bodies of the dead passengers.
If Flight 150 goes smoothly, ValuJet will resume a full schedule of ocean-bound flights, including regular routes from New York to the North Sea, Los Angeles to the Marianas Trench, and four non-stops daily from Chicago to Lake Michigan.

<B>German-Style Krackhaüs Offers Hearty Cocaine</B>

Rousing shouts of "Prosit!" and boot-shaped vials frothing over with hearty, dark German-style crack are the order of the day at Hans von Kreutzen's new neighborhood Krackhaüs.
"Welkommen, alle!" bellows Hans to several glassy-eyed baseheads staggering through the ornately carved oak doors of Das Kracken Haüs, the family-style crack-cocaine freebasing emporium and eatery he has built in the Germantown area of East New York. "So, you vant a hit on der krackpipe, ya?"
As a desperate young woman huddles near the Krackhaüs' charming, gingerbread-trimmed bar, offering a man oral sex in exchange for $10, von Kreutzen recalls his establishment's humble roots. "I vas saddened to see zat my neighborhood had lost sight of its strong ethnic roots," he says. "The kinder were smoking the rock out on the avenue. So I built mein Krackhaüs. Now zey have somewhere to go and frei-base in der old German style!"
"Ve make and refine our own product here," says von Kreutzen, obviously proud of his operation. "Der Krack is made in many styles, including Dark, Krack Bock, and a full-bodied, malty Kracktoberfest Pilsner."
All von Kreutzen's offerings are produced by his on-premises Krackmeister in strict accordance with the Bavarian Purity Law of 1977, which states that the raw flaked cocaine must not be stepped on more than twice before being cut with kitchen powder. The kitchen also serves up hearty Kokenschnitzel with heavy cream sauces, as well as a variety of sausages.
The hearty, full-bodied nature of the product means that customer turnover is high. "Some days der ragged, emaciated bodies of ze junkies are staked up in ze back like corpses," says von Kreutzen. "But even zat has its roots in German culture!"
"Ich liebe Das Kracken Haüs!" says apple-cheeked waitress Heidi Schtrundle. "This is the only place in East New York where you can cook up to the hearty oompah rhythms of the Krack Barrel Polka. Also, if you're a lady who's broke and still needs a hit, you can just let Hans have some fun under your Dirndl."
Das Kracken Haüs is decorated in the great German style. Huge stained oak tables are the perfect place to enjoy an old-fashioned "massive fatal heart attack." Torches line the walls, giving off a warm glow to see more easily what's cooking in "Der Kracklab." The enormous fieldstone fireplace is the centerpiece for the traditional Krackhead dance, in which one alternates between scuttling closer to the fire's heat and flinching from its light.
"Come, gather round!" von Kreutzen calls out to a large crowd of blond-haired, ruddy-faced addicts. "Und have some delicious Wienerblow!"
Though the story sometimes varies, legend has it that von Kreutzen started his Krackhaüs with money he acquired from the sale of miscellaneous art items his father had imported from Europe in the late summer of 1944. With a small business loan from an Argentinean bank and local connections, Der Kracken Haüs was soon open for business.
And they've been hooked ever since. "Try it—you will enjoy," von Kreutzen says. "Und if you OD, und have to go to ze hospital with toxic shock, tell them Hans sent you!"

<b>Four Dead In Unimpressive Group Suicide
Hollywood Producers Pass On 'Uncompelling' Tragedy</B>

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Leading movie producers are reacting with disinterest following Monday's discovery of the bodies of four cult members in Plano, TX.
The four victims, identified by police as members of a minor, unimportant death cult known as "Magic Shine," were discovered by a janitor at approximately 8 a.m. in the basement of their Plano-area church. They had covered their heads with plastic bags after each received a lethal overdose of a common non-prescription pain medication, dying in a boring, non-attention-grabbing fashion, forensic authorities determined.
The story of the cult members' suicide is not expected to generate interest on the part of deal-making agents.
"I'm sorry," said Lawrence Rudnick of Paramount Pictures. "I just don't see the movie."
Uncharismatic cult leader Ron Roenicke, who said in a suicide note that "the time has come to ride the laughing purple turtle to mysteriosoville," was only able to persuade three people to follow him to the next realm, leading to allegations of incompetence on his part. Additionally, none of the deceased were children, further dooming the cult's box-office prospects.
"No aliens, no comet, just four wackos who take a fistful of headache pills and then lay down?" Gramercy Pictures vice-president Dennis Carpenter said. "Where's the picture? They at least could have taken some sort of interesting poison, like Carbodium-54, which causes horrific convulsions and bleeding from the mouth, ears and anus."
Tri-Star Pictures CEO Don Silver agreed. "The pill thing: It's too slow. If I have to sit and watch somebody sleep to death, I'm going to end up sleeping to death, and so are the viewers. This was a clear case of too much ambition, not enough talent."
Families of victims were contacted, and each tearfully recounted its stories on local news outlets. A candlelight vigil has been planned for Friday for the victims' friends and loved ones to express their sorrow and rage. Hollywood, however, isn't buying any of it.
"Maybe this would play big back in the sticks, but here in Tinseltown we expect a little more out of a death cult," Silver said. "We have standards. Showmanship. Danger. Drama. Frankly, I don't even see this as a made-for-TV movie, much less a full-blown big-screen project."
Though the suicide has failed to generate Hollywood interest, top studio executives stress that they are still interested in future, more substantial group suicides.
"If a real good one comes down the pike, I could be proven wrong. If the money's there, I'll green-light the project," said Paramount Television's Ed MacAlester. "Obviously, if 40 or 50 nutcases take themselves out with, say, a bomb that kills a whole bunch of pregnant women, well, we're not going to pass on an opportunity like that."
But now that the funerals are over and the sad story of Magic Shine has come to an end, what lessons have been learned that can prevent such tragedies in the future? Universal Pictures head of development David Mankoff offered the following tips.
"Number one: Secure representation before you down the Kool-Aid. You can only commit group suicide once, so make sure you have a top-notch agent on your side before you take your one big shot."
"Number two: Take at least 30 people with you. If you haven't got that many followers willing to die at your command, it may not even be worth it."
"Number three: Die painfully, or at least in a scary-looking way."
"Number four: Make sure that at least a few children die with you. That was the main problem with Heaven's Gate: no kids. Why do you think everybody went so Waco-crazy a while back? All over the TV, it was the same thing—the children this, the children that. That's what you call free word-of-mouth publicity, and believe me, it's worth more than gold."