Voice Over (German accent):
In the hard and unrelenting world of nature the ceaseless struggle for survival continues. (one of the pantomime cows turns tail and runs out) This time one of the pantomime cows concedes defeat and so lives to fight another day. (cut to stock film of sea lions fighting) Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion seeing off an intruding bull who is attempting to intrude on his harem. This pattern of aggressive behaviour is typical of these documentaries. (cut to shot of two almost stationary limpets) Here we see two limpets locked in a life or death struggle for territory. The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, endeavours to encircle its sprightly opponent. (shot of wolf standing still) Here we see an ant. This ant is engaged in a life or death struggle with the wolf. You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes. (a moving arrow is superimposed) Now he stops to observe. Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer. With great skill he chooses his moment and then, quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound (the arrow moves to the wolf's throat; the wolf does not move) buries his fangs in the wolf's neck. The wolf struggles to no avail. A battle of this kind can take anything up to fifteen years because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth. (distant shot of two men fighting violently) Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life or death struggle with Peter Scott. They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees on the overseas sales of their nature documentaries. (another man joins in) Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features. (shot of honey bear sitting about aimlessly) Here we see a honey bear not engaged in a life or death struggle about anything. These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures and consequently bad television. (shot of pantomime cow running along in a wood) Here we see a pantomime cow. It is engaged in a life or death struggle for a job with a merchant bank. However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime cow, is lying in wait for him. (pantomime cow behind tree drops sixteen-ton weight on the cow running under the tree) Poor pantomime cow. (shot of pantomime goose behind a small tree with a bow and arrow) Here we see a pantomime goose engaged in a life or death struggle with Terence Rattigan. (we see Terrace walking along) The enraged goose fires. (the goose fires and hits Terence in the neck; Terrace looks amazed and dies) Poor Terence. Another victim of this silly film. (shot of an amazing-looking large woman with a crown waiting in the undergrowth by the side of a path) Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret, she is lying in wait for her breakfast. (a breakfast tray appears being pulled along the path by a length of wire) The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom. The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill. She raises her harpoon and fires. (the pantomime Princess Margaret does so, hurling the harpoon at the moving tray) Pang! Right in the toast. A brief struggle and all is over. Poor breakfast! Another victim of the.... aargh!

Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Galloping through the sward
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
And his horse Concorde
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor
Mr. Mooooo, Mr. Mooooo, Mr. Mooooo
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Riding through the night
Soon every lupin in the land
Will be in his mighty hand
He steals them from the rich
And gives them to the poor
Mr. Mooooo, Mr. Mooooo, Mr. Mooooo
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Dum dum dum the night
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Dum de dum dum plight
He steals dum dum dum
And dum dum dum dee
Dennis dum, Dennis dee, dum dum dum
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Riding through the woods
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
With his bag of things
He gives to the poor
And he takes from the rich
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Riding through the land
Dennis Mooooo, Dennis Mooooo
Without a merry band
He steals from the poor
And gives to the rich
Stupid b*tch

Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass cow of the Year Show!