The Pickle, otherwise known as "Stanky", is the team captain. He is the mouth of the team, and often targeted because of his off-colored remarks. It was one of those remarks that led a Scribe's Demise mummy to become enraged and snap Stanky's skull, resulting in a permanent loss of strength.

Stanky recalls the dreadful play. "That mother&%$!@*ing mummy %^$@@!holed me, and the &%$^&ing ref turned a blind eye! &#*$&%@^ every one of them in the goat@#$!!!!

Stanky's value comes from the bench now, occasionally playing a turn or two to cover for a downed player. He has taken on the responsibility of overseeing team morale, and during the games you will hear the Pickle screaming from the bench: "Run *#^%@'ing mother#*+*&%!!! Grab the @%&#$#@!!! Step high $@#*ing goat@^$@ers!!!"

Called "4 Thumbs" because he is usually so inebriated that he can't hold onto anything for longer than three minutes, Jimmy has become a natural go-to elf when it comes to blocking. Critics will note that his method is not so much a true blocking motion, but more of a stumbling into opposing players. Either way, it works. With 20 blocks under his belt, along with 2 casualties (which ties him with The Pickle for top honors in that category), you can find him on the front lines poking holes in the D for the teams main receiver Token.

Billy Brutin is the only semi-pro player to join the Last Stand. He leads the team in TD's, rushing and blocking. He is the backbone of the team, as Krusty will explain. "Helluva ball carrier, but dumber than a troll terd on a cold pitch."

Billy earned his nickname last season. Determined to clear a hole in the defensive line for his teammates, he tried to solo block a troll. After recovering from the knockout bin (and before he was able to clear the fog around his head), he was greeted by the same troll on kickoff. Still very punch drunk, he vowed to uproot the troll to which his coach yelled repeatedly, "BACKUP!" The name stuck, and to this day Billy does not remember the game.

Token joined the Last Stand by a mere fluke. During a game against the Rathole Raiders, the ball fell off the pitch and into the hands of Token, a spectator at the time. Proud to have the game ball in his possession, he refused to let go. Despite numerous attempts by players, refs, and the crowd to get the ball away from Token and back onto the pitch, he held on, showing amazing agility. Krusty, realizing raw talent when he sees it, cried out "Dibs! I call dibs on him for the Last Stand!" and threw him onto the pitch, ball and all.

In the two games that followed, Token rushed for 28 and scored 3 TD's. A true rising star for coach Krusty.