CAPTAIN OF BOKONON UNITED.

Cap'n Saffy was promoted to the captaincy after the unfortunate demise of Whip-smart Skedoink at the hands of the villianous Khemri.

Although aging and with a gammy leg, Saffy continues to be a menace whenever she can make it onto the pitch.

THE MYSTERIOUS NIGEL. Where did he come from? Nobody knows. Is his name really Nigel? Maybe. Maybe not. Why does he? How? When? All these questions and so many more. He would not go down. He did not go down. He pushed some nawty elveseses over.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH BOKONON UNITED'S NEW LINEMAN!

"Why are you so mean, Mean ol'Smithy McSmith?"

"Piss off, you ugly cockface"

"I hate elves.

I hate them.

I hate their little pointy ears.

I hate their little pointy noses.

I hate their little pointy boots.

I hate th... do they have pointy toes? I bet they do. I hate their little point toes.

I hate their shiny golden hair.

I hate the way they twat about instead of getting stuck in.

I hate how they can dodge past three players for a TD.

I hate how the buggers refused to get hurt despite me putting them on their arses for the whole game.

I hate their little pointy houses.

Do they have pets? I bet they do. I hate their little pointy pets.

I hate the way I bundle their little pointy passer to the ground with a great big ogre, leaving the ball unattended on the ground deep in their half, but one of the other pointy gits just twirls in and the ball is back in my half before I know it.

I hate their little pointy, pointy things that they have. You know, those things with points on that are really pointy. I hate them.

"Oh Pointy bird, pointy, pointy. Anoint my head, anointy, nointy." That is something an elf would say. I hate something that an elf would say, especially a pointy elf, which is all of them.

If I get one comment asking me what the point is, I will kill you all with a definitively non-pointy blunt instrument. I would like to beat you to death with the wet end of a decapitated elf-head, but elf-heads are, as I am sure you have already surmised, pointy, not blunt. What I will do is cut an elf leg off, sand down all the points using an industrial sander, and then beat you to death with that. THAT'S WHAT THE POINT IS.

Oh, and that I hate pointy little pointy-faced elf-y pointy buggers."

Rudy has trouble picking the ball up.

She can chuck it OK though.