"Speed has everything to do with it! You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game."

"Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?!”

"And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate."

"Okay, Dennis, I'm confused. These are just pictures of women with giant breasts."

"I mean, does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe. I don't know. I'm not gonna sit here and try and get inside the mind of a dog. That's God's work."

"My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony."

"Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote. I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!"

"I gave him an ocular patdown, assessed the threat level, clocked a knife in his boot."

"I'm a little confused, are you telling me that this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?"

"Yeah, I botched it. Life, you know?"

"Sometimes loud noises make the squirrels go in my head."

"You watch your a**, new meat."

"I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from 'Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!"

"I think you're an ugly man."

"The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists."