"Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. 'Why can't Johnny read? Why can't Johnny read?' God, that gets old."

"I don't know you! That's my purse!"

"Today my life enters phase two: the GOOD years!"

"It is brutal. My uncle was a cowboy in the rodeo - he had to leave Vietnam because he was having rodeo nightmares."

"Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man."

"Hey, Hank's Wife, if you have an opinion to share, why don't you go in the kitchen and bake it in a bundt cake."

"Well, I passed lather, but I failed rinse...and then I failed repeat, because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair!"

"Hmmm, I guess there is that song about killing myself. I could re-write it so it's about personal hygiene."

"I came to apologize and make out with tongues."

"If I'd never gotten an advance on my credit card, I never would've gone to the Costco to buy a 78-inch TV, never would've slipped in pee-pee, never would've got my settlement money. Scary to think about the road not travelled, huh?"

"Your mom is as cool as most people's dads."