"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet."

"Well, someone’s doing the raping, Don! I mean, somebody’s doing it. Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?"

Tiny is a former circus clown made out of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.

"The concept of global warming was created by the Chinese."

"Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest, and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault."

Kellyanne is the team counselor and spin doctor. She often deals with the media after one of her teammates is involved in a scandal, like the time Stankface made a racial slur against dwarfs.

Quote: "I never knew how ugly and how stupid I was until, you know, we had Twitter."

Rockin' that pantsuit like a boss.

He's a real chip off the old blockhead.

Favourite pastime: Hunting endangered species.

Quote: "I'm kind of a closet redneck."

Proudest moment: "I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face."

"I have a great relationship with the blacks."

"I don’t wear a rug, it’s mine. And I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn’t work."

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body."

Some people got to have it.
Some people really need it.
Do things, do bad things with it.
Dollar bills y'all.

"I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her."