I saw this elf on TV and unlike most he wasn't even trying to hide. He was a bit more elusive once I confronted him however, telling me his name was Orlando and he wasn't an elf. But I knew different. He was an elf and his name was Keith. He told me I "didn't understand acting". I told him "he didn't understand how much money he could make". And here we are.

I wandered into the woods looking for elves, knowing how much they like trees and shit. And by George did I find one! He didn't seem interested in playing for the team but his fighting spirit meant I wouldn't take no for an answer. Getting him into a box cost me a great deal of pain, and is perhaps not the best way to endear myself to a new star, but Kevin will see it's for his own good in the long run when he's rich and famous!

Ever since I was a child I have been aware of the existence of Mr Fingletins; leader of the Elves of Squangle Land. With the majestic presence of an elephant and magical talents in his finger tips, I knew I had to sign him up to the team.

Fortunately, I chanced upon the disguised Mr Fingletins in what I originally felt would be a mundane business meeting with a new client. As soon as I saw him I knew his true nature. "You're Mr Fingletins, you're Mr Fingletins" I yelled excitedly. And I would not stop yelling until he joined the team. Which he eventually did.

Terry was offered to me by an agent after hearing I was putting together a team of elves. I asked if he was from Squangle Land and was told "sure, whatever". But what really sealed the deal was the agent's description of Terry as being "total trash" - what I can only believe is Squangolian slang for completely awesome.

I found this elf at the bottom of my garden. Clearly one with nature. He's not a very talkative chap and not one to show much emotion. He does have a good sense of humour though - Blitzy Keith drew a face on his armour and he is yet to remove it.

Paul is not the most handsome of elves. He's short in stature and has skin issues. But I wasn't going to allow that to deny him his shot at glory after stumbling upon him at the local garage. I made him the offer and asked him to confirm he was an elf from Squangle Land but he misheard and responded that he'd "be whatever I wanted him to be for that amount of money". It's nice to know that he's flexible on playing position but the functioning of his odd looking ears is a worry.