The Nordland Craghammers are a founding member of the EEL. They are financed by the Cryptic Humours and their Eternal Gemstone Tour. The organisation also run a Wood Elf team in the OWCC, which you can read more about here. Previously, they led the human team Reikland Ruin before selling the outfit on.
Coach Johar of the Craghammers met Head Coach Stonefist drinking somewhere in Northern Brettonia. Just after sundown, Johar had stuck a knife in the Dwarf's guts but by the following morning they were staunch friends.
The stabbing didn't kill Stonefist, but he died later that year by other means and rose up from the dead shortly after that. It didn't affect their friendship much. 'He stunk while he was alive anyway,' Johar says fondly.
It's widely known that Johar is one of the many bastard sons of King Albar of Norsca, but he won't be heading back to his father's court in a hurry. In his homelands Johar is branded a kinslayer and oathbreaker. Publicly, he pleads his innocence, but anyone who knows him well enough has heard about the Night of the Five Axes.
This Norse outfit aren't the best. They play to get the crowd ready for the main event, and they know it. They're brave and strong and stupid. Plenty of them will get smushed. Those that do might even make it into the Cryptic Undead lineup. Those that don't might eke out a decent living. Either way, you better ready yourselves for a blood bath.
The Craghammers have found a home playing in the Slippery Eel Stadium complex. Read here about the team's pre-season training tour and photoshoot.
Original XI Mugshots
The Cairn
Season 1 Review
Despite attempts at bribing the EEL administration, the Craghammers' eel is the last to be fished out of the Drafting Pond. Nordland get drafted into the Jellied Eel Division with an Orc, Undead (who are later replaced with Wood Elves) and Nurgle team. The other division - containing humans, chaos, high elves and necros - looks far more inviting. But Coach Johar tells the lads to forget all about that. It's time to get stomping.
Black Fortress Doomguard - Lose 2-1
The Craghammers lose their first game 2-1 against Orc team Black Fortress Doomguard. Havardr Askelson gets his ankle messed up after scoring a TD and will require replacing when we have the cash. Olafur á þrumu does MNG a BoB, but that will likely help the next team more than it helped us.
The Craghammers received in the first half and ground down the pitch for an 8-turn score. They gave up a quick touchdown and received again. Coach Johar had this to say: 'We struggled with the kicks. The Doomguard kicked extremely close to the mid-line on both occasions and we didn't have enough about us to get the ball safe. It all fell apart towards the end.'
Head Coach Stonefist was angry after the game: 'The lads will need to toughen up if we've any chance of getting one of those Super 4 team slots. Still, I'd better hire me a bloody apothecary.' Stonefist refused to commit to who he may sign up to replace Havardr. 'We'll talk about it when we've got the sodding coins. I'll try and hire less of a dancer this time round. We might fare a little better then.'
Athel Loren Warhawk - Lose 1-0
Wild but entertaining game against the Athel Loren Warhawk results in a painful 1-0 loss for the Craghammers. This game means zero points from two games and rules us out of a Super 4 spot.
The WElves elected to received and began the game hella rowdy. The Warhawk's opening three blocks and blitz resulted a stun, KO, BH and kill (luckily the kill fell on merc Ulric Hotstream). Jaarvic responded by immidiately MNGing lineman Amhas. The following turn, Farnoth dropped the ball in what looked like a sureshot scoring play and allowed the Norse to get the grind on. Soon after player numbers were equal but the squabble for the ball continued. Crucial berserker Volki Voldugu was then blasted out of the game with a MNG by Silontol (who'd already netted a casulty) and in return Ulfy Josurr BHs the WElf catcher. Unexpected double skulls for the Craghammers made it look like the WElves might get their TD after all, but the WD Olanis couldn't get a handle on the ball. He eventually does get a grip on it but Alrek Langvetur, normally so nonchalant, makes a sensational intercept on the passing play to ensure the game was scoreless at half time. Remaining zerker Thrain Haettasokk couldn't build up the momentum to crowd surf the offending WD.
Second half. It's 8-7 players in favour of the Craghammers, and a quick KO means it's 8-6 and two stunned WElves. But the Craghammers are too eager. They move forward and allow strip-ball WD to relieve the ball carrier of his charge and after much hilarity and a long blocking battle (which the Craghammers appear to be winning) the WElves eventually break free and get themselves the game's only TD. The third kick off is 8-5 players for Jaarvic but they never really look like getting the tying touchdown. Var Votek Mynt does make a hopeful dash down the centre but in the end it's all for nought. He gets himself knocked out and Bodvarr double skulls to end Jaarvic's chances of a Super 4 spot in the worst way possible.
'Perhaps I should have signed Boomer?' Head Coach Anzelak Stonefist said as he looked into the dregs of another cup of ale. 'We didn't need the bribe really as we hardly fouled.'
Still, there's always next year?
Grimway Monoliths - Draw 1-1
A wretched first season for the Craghammers came to an end with a 1-1 draw over the Grimway Monoliths. Lineman Vjar Himinndrepa will be retired after picking up a -1 STR injury.
It started very promisingly. Jaarvic played well in the first half resulting in a 1-0 lead at the half time horn in spite of a perfect Nurgle defense.
However, plenty of moaning from our opposing coach resulted in Nuffle's intervention and a turning of tables (^^). Two of our lads get injured in the opening turn of the second half and we go down 11-7 players. The Monoliths get a ponderous TD scored after all manner of KOs and stuns.
The Craghammers line up to try and get the winning TD with 11-8 players but hit perfect defense again. Lineman Var Votek Mynt BHs himself on a rr'd GFI to pickup the ball, which is pretty much a perfect metaphor for the Craghammer's opening season. However, clutch defending from Ulfy Josurr Dökkjalla does prevent a loss - and he also MNGs the beast of nurgle!
'Let's see how we manage in the Charity Bowl,' Head Coach Stonefist told a reporter. 'I've got some work cut out if we're going to whip these reprobates into a Grand Final winning team come Season 2. Watch this bloody space.'
Limping runner Havardr had his contract terminated after the game along with injured lineman Vjar.
'It's bad enough with a healthy set of lads,' Stonefist said with a puff on his long Dwarfen pipe. 'Yet alone with a bunch that run funny. We'll axe the injured ones and get in new blood.'
Charity Bowl Semi-Final: Black Fortress Doomguard - Loss 2-1
The Craghammers are treated to another mauling at the hands of this Orc team, now complete with troll. Nordland score early in the first half and then get bashed around. It ends in a 2-1 loss, and there's really not much to take from it.
A promising start (BoB gets murdered by a double-rock fan-throw; the first of three 11 results on the kick-off table) sputters and goes out like a guttered candle.
There's nothing more for the Craghammers to do than put this season to bed and forget all about it. Nobody is killed or maimed, but zerker Volki Voldugo will sit the next game out.
Season 2 Review
The Misery Continues
The Craghammers open their second season with an ill-advised friendly match against new EEL team the Drunken Knights of Karak Norn. Zerker Volki Voldugu sits out through injury again (he has appeared in only 3 of 5 matches). The game is a terrible mess. The Craghammers lose 1-0 and their WDL record plummets to 0/1/4. Even worse: block ulfy Josurr Dökkjalla is killed apo killed on 14 spp bringing the Craghammer casulty total to 7/3/2 (and four axed players) from 5 games. Drunken Knight antics after the game in relation to Dökkjalla's equipment and body lead to the beginning of a bitter feud.
The Craghammers are returned to the Warhawk's Jellied Eel Division as the 4th overall pick and first pick of the Drunken Knights' coach. The Knights were placed in the Jellied Eel Division by the first overall pick. Newcomer Necro team the Stirland Reapers complete the division.
Ugh. Awful misclick (and wasting of a bribe) throws away fantastic dice for a 1-1 draw against Jellied Eel divisional rivals (and champions) the Warhawk. Can the coaching of this team get any more pitiful? It seems unlikely. Nordland still search for their first win. They couldn't even take this one when nuffle offered it up on a plate. Svatr Lengri smashes his collar bone and will be fired.
The fixture list is drawn up and the Craghammers will face the Reapers first, followed by reigning champs the Warhawk who the Craghammers are 0/1/1 against. They will round off the regular season with an emotionally charged game against the Drunken Knights.
The Departed and the New
Out:
In:
Stirland Reavers - Loss 2-1
The Craghammers continued their terrible march, bringing their run of games without a win to 7. They outblocked their opponents Stirland 66-39 in this one, securing casualties of 3/1/1, but the Necro regen rolls were on fire. Replacement runner Halsteinn Leiksigur was obliterated later in the game after scoring a td to ensure Nordland's financial (as well as moral) bankruptcy. The apo tried to bring him back to life with glorious fire; it didn't work. Hopefully he'll fare better as a Reaper. The game finished 2-1.
Rowdy fans tore onto the pitch in the opening moments of the game to demonstrate to the Crags that they could probably do a better job of blocking than these EEL "professionals". They were probably right.
Hired Eel Wizard (working for Stirland on this occasion) again flubbed his lightning bolt. Eel Commissioner Bob Tanker will have to look into how much money these magi are getting paid.
Lineman Olafur á þrumu bagged guard and each of the ulfys decided to roll 10s (one double, one single). It's unclear yet whether the Cryptic Humour staff are going to push either of them into taking anything other than block.
Coach Stonefist was unavailable for comment but sources close to the harried undead Dwarf suggest that the team is dangerously close to being disbanded. Only 5,000 fans turned up to watch the Craghammers play yesterday evening for an overall attendance of 13,000.
A troubled Nordlander fan said: 'Look, this outfit aren't winning when they get the dice, so they're not going to win when they don't. It only costs me two coppers to come to the Slippery Eel Stadium Complex, but I reckon even that's too much at the moment.'
Triggering Wrestle b...
[L] Norse
