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2012-03-02 09:09:11
18 votes, rating 4.7
18 votes, rating 4.7
Nothing to do with BB
I know I'm opening myself up to abuse here, but sooner or later that always happens online. Therefore I submit to you, my latest piece for my writing class, mainly because I finished it a lot earlier than planned:
A Gentleman Comes Calling
A wailing screech filled the air - a mixture of terror, fury and frustration, reverberating through the streets. The houses were close-knit on this side of town, causing the sound to be carried around the maze of alleyways, bouncing off walls and echoing back on itself, so that it was impossible to know from where it came.
The whores and vagabonds of the East-end knew this sound and what it meant. It belonged to a man they had named 'The Gentleman'. They didn't know exactly who or what he was, only that he dressed like the upper class. That in itself was not unusual, the cream of society routinely preyed on the dregs, abusing he prostitutes in the dark and dirty warren of back passages; laughing at the poor deranged souls inhabiting Bedlam.
The eerie sound came not from the man himself, who walked slowly and surely across the cobbles with a hunched, loping gait. Instead it came from a cat that The Gentleman dragged behind him on a piece of filthy string. The cat was trussed up in a cage made of lolly sticks fastened together with elastic bands, these surrounded each leg and ran the length of its torso, binding the cat so securely that it bounded along like a newborn lamb enjoying the spring sunshine. On its back, secured in a saddle-like harness was a large jar, filled with what at first glance appeared to be pickled eggs, but on closer inspection was in fact human ears preserved with pickling vinegar.
The only action the cat could perform on its own was to emit a distressed wail, an action that both forewarned that The Gentleman had come calling and masked his approach.
They say he defiled the bodies once he'd murdered them. Taking his inhumane and godless pleasure of them as life and warmth drained away. This was untrue, he needed only their ears, male and female alike, the rest was but a by-product.
The fog corralled and pooled around the foot here, hiding the sordid nighttime goings-on. Polly peered around a corner. She'd left her client mid-groan and unsatisfied as soon as she heard the cat's howling screams. She hadn't even stopped to gather her discarded undergarments.
She knew enough about The Gentleman to know not to scream if he approached; he would slice your throat open to keep you from making noise. If you kept quiet he would only take an ear, sometimes both. An earless whore could still make a living, a dead one couldn't.
Polly looked behind and screamed uncontrollably for an instant before her throat was cut. She couldn't help herself. The Gentleman had crept up behind her and as she turned she had looked directly into his small, cold, grey eyes. The devil himself resided there.
The Gentleman took her ears and crept on, dropping them into his jar with a plop as he went. There were more ears to gather tonight before he'd satisfy his craving.
A Gentleman Comes Calling
A wailing screech filled the air - a mixture of terror, fury and frustration, reverberating through the streets. The houses were close-knit on this side of town, causing the sound to be carried around the maze of alleyways, bouncing off walls and echoing back on itself, so that it was impossible to know from where it came.
The whores and vagabonds of the East-end knew this sound and what it meant. It belonged to a man they had named 'The Gentleman'. They didn't know exactly who or what he was, only that he dressed like the upper class. That in itself was not unusual, the cream of society routinely preyed on the dregs, abusing he prostitutes in the dark and dirty warren of back passages; laughing at the poor deranged souls inhabiting Bedlam.
The eerie sound came not from the man himself, who walked slowly and surely across the cobbles with a hunched, loping gait. Instead it came from a cat that The Gentleman dragged behind him on a piece of filthy string. The cat was trussed up in a cage made of lolly sticks fastened together with elastic bands, these surrounded each leg and ran the length of its torso, binding the cat so securely that it bounded along like a newborn lamb enjoying the spring sunshine. On its back, secured in a saddle-like harness was a large jar, filled with what at first glance appeared to be pickled eggs, but on closer inspection was in fact human ears preserved with pickling vinegar.
The only action the cat could perform on its own was to emit a distressed wail, an action that both forewarned that The Gentleman had come calling and masked his approach.
They say he defiled the bodies once he'd murdered them. Taking his inhumane and godless pleasure of them as life and warmth drained away. This was untrue, he needed only their ears, male and female alike, the rest was but a by-product.
The fog corralled and pooled around the foot here, hiding the sordid nighttime goings-on. Polly peered around a corner. She'd left her client mid-groan and unsatisfied as soon as she heard the cat's howling screams. She hadn't even stopped to gather her discarded undergarments.
She knew enough about The Gentleman to know not to scream if he approached; he would slice your throat open to keep you from making noise. If you kept quiet he would only take an ear, sometimes both. An earless whore could still make a living, a dead one couldn't.
Polly looked behind and screamed uncontrollably for an instant before her throat was cut. She couldn't help herself. The Gentleman had crept up behind her and as she turned she had looked directly into his small, cold, grey eyes. The devil himself resided there.
The Gentleman took her ears and crept on, dropping them into his jar with a plop as he went. There were more ears to gather tonight before he'd satisfy his craving.
Comments
Posted by Calthor on 2012-03-02 10:46:01
I like it - I always enjoy horror and sucg, but personally, and out of my own writing experience (I have finished my English Master with a written story), it comes across as too much, too fast.
A concept like this needs time to unfold. Show it as if you were peeling away the layers of an onion, don't give it all away so quickly.
Naturally, that might also be because you've got a limited amount of words, I realise that.
I'm also a little put off by your choice of focalisation, for this is a story that wants to be told from a specific perspective - Polly, or the Gentleman himself, perhaps. And yet it is a omniscient narrator, but one that is immersing too much in both Polly and the Gentleman.
Thanks for sharing!
A concept like this needs time to unfold. Show it as if you were peeling away the layers of an onion, don't give it all away so quickly.
Naturally, that might also be because you've got a limited amount of words, I realise that.
I'm also a little put off by your choice of focalisation, for this is a story that wants to be told from a specific perspective - Polly, or the Gentleman himself, perhaps. And yet it is a omniscient narrator, but one that is immersing too much in both Polly and the Gentleman.
Thanks for sharing!
Posted by Royston on 2012-03-02 11:02:53
It is definitely not my best work I grant you that. And I am indeed limited to 500 words.
Posted by pythrr on 2012-03-02 11:21:31
To take another view, I quite like the 3rd person account.
Reminds me of late Victorian thriller writing.
:)
Reminds me of late Victorian thriller writing.
:)
Posted by Calcium on 2012-03-02 11:59:08
I think Calthor has made a good poit, more time to build the atmosphere would have been great, but taking into account that a blog isn't the best place for a chapter of text, a very good read mate.
Ears though? I can't help but think of Dolph Lundgren out of Universal Soldier! (only jokin mate, nice job)
Ears though? I can't help but think of Dolph Lundgren out of Universal Soldier! (only jokin mate, nice job)
Posted by harvestmouse on 2012-03-02 12:12:33
well there a few little things I'd change but 2 main points.
The description of the cat's 'cage' is confusing. It needs reworking.
I know you were trying to stay in period, but I think you've tried to be too clever with some of your vocabulary choices, particularly in the first few paragraphs. Just because you have a larger vocabulary than the average person, doesn't mean you need to use all of it.
What I did like was extra information giving clauses; 'This was untrue.....' 'If you kept quiet....' 'Instead it came from......' etc etc These are just what I'm looking for as a reader.
The description of the cat's 'cage' is confusing. It needs reworking.
I know you were trying to stay in period, but I think you've tried to be too clever with some of your vocabulary choices, particularly in the first few paragraphs. Just because you have a larger vocabulary than the average person, doesn't mean you need to use all of it.
What I did like was extra information giving clauses; 'This was untrue.....' 'If you kept quiet....' 'Instead it came from......' etc etc These are just what I'm looking for as a reader.
Posted by pythrr on 2012-03-02 12:37:06
HM: re vocab
Yes he does. Why?
[1] Because it sets the scene: the "gentleman" is characterized indirectly by the style of language in the short piece.
[2] Because reading should challenge the reader, taking him/her to new places linguistically and lexicographically. That's the whole point of reading, and of writing.
Yes he does. Why?
[1] Because it sets the scene: the "gentleman" is characterized indirectly by the style of language in the short piece.
[2] Because reading should challenge the reader, taking him/her to new places linguistically and lexicographically. That's the whole point of reading, and of writing.
Posted by harvestmouse on 2012-03-02 12:56:15
I'm not sure I agree. A more diverse vocabulary should be used to add colour to the story, however, if it becomes a challange, it won't be as enjoyable and the story won't flow as well.
Keeping it a little simpler, with a little uncommon vocabulary, stimulates the mind without the reader losing the context of the writing.
I'm not saying don't extend the vocabulary beyond the norm, just use it in moderation.
Also be aware of the pitfalls, of trying to write in period.
Keeping it a little simpler, with a little uncommon vocabulary, stimulates the mind without the reader losing the context of the writing.
I'm not saying don't extend the vocabulary beyond the norm, just use it in moderation.
Also be aware of the pitfalls, of trying to write in period.
Posted by BlizzBirne on 2012-03-02 13:03:24
as a non-native reader: i like the style in general and find the diversity of chosen words not confusing or anything. i agree though with the cat's cage description ... somehow this picture of the newborn lamb enjoying the spring sunshine doesn't quite work for me. but i might just not understand some finer irony or other hidden meaning in it.
on the topic of how fast you give away information: i think this depends on the intended length of the entire piece. if you set such a high pace in the beginning you will find it difficult to maintain the same level of tension throughout the entire story if you don't keep the pace high. then you either need a lot of ideas that could likely fill three good stories or the story will be over faster than some would like. ;-)
by no means a professional opinion, just mine. all in all, thumbs up i think.
on the topic of how fast you give away information: i think this depends on the intended length of the entire piece. if you set such a high pace in the beginning you will find it difficult to maintain the same level of tension throughout the entire story if you don't keep the pace high. then you either need a lot of ideas that could likely fill three good stories or the story will be over faster than some would like. ;-)
by no means a professional opinion, just mine. all in all, thumbs up i think.
Posted by harvestmouse on 2012-03-02 13:09:29
Also, it would be interesting for the writers feedback on '[1] Because it sets the scene: the "gentleman" is characterized indirectly by the style of language in the short piece.'
Certainly is setting the scene, letting us know it's 'Victorian' in period. I'm not sure it indirectly characterises the gentleman though. The story itself, channels us down 'The Ripper' mythology route, teasing us to draw similar conclusions. Who was the ripper? Who is the gentleman? Is he/was he really upper class? What was/What is his state of mind?
However in my opinion, the language it isn't necessary, or could have been more subtle. 1 it comes over as a snowball of vocabulary, bowling down a hill out of control, and 2 is saying the writer doesn't have confidence in his story telling ability to set the scene for him.
Please note this is my critical opinion of this story. No offence of the writers ability intended.
Certainly is setting the scene, letting us know it's 'Victorian' in period. I'm not sure it indirectly characterises the gentleman though. The story itself, channels us down 'The Ripper' mythology route, teasing us to draw similar conclusions. Who was the ripper? Who is the gentleman? Is he/was he really upper class? What was/What is his state of mind?
However in my opinion, the language it isn't necessary, or could have been more subtle. 1 it comes over as a snowball of vocabulary, bowling down a hill out of control, and 2 is saying the writer doesn't have confidence in his story telling ability to set the scene for him.
Please note this is my critical opinion of this story. No offence of the writers ability intended.
Posted by harvestmouse on 2012-03-02 13:14:51
The description of the new born lamb, was a good one I think. It helped me to understand a little. However it isn't really a 'cage' or as I understand it, it isn't.
More of a contraption, to help/control how the cat walks. Giving it the look of a new born lamb (that awkward stiff gait of a new born lamb with limbs far too long and spindly to support it).
More of a contraption, to help/control how the cat walks. Giving it the look of a new born lamb (that awkward stiff gait of a new born lamb with limbs far too long and spindly to support it).
Posted by Royston on 2012-03-02 13:52:20
My use of language was intended to invoke the style and feel of the Victorian era as well as to invoke images of Jack the Ripper and to a lesser extent Mr. Hyde.
I however was not trying to use the piece (which was limited to 500 words by the way) as an exercise to prove I have a large vocabulary. In fact I was unaware I have an above average vocabulary to begin with.
The point about the cage is a good one. It was not meant to be a literal cage, so I will change this to contraption (thanks for the word :) ) when I type it up for my class.
The main aim from the story was to pose questions not answers, to let your own imagination fill in the missing pieces i
I however was not trying to use the piece (which was limited to 500 words by the way) as an exercise to prove I have a large vocabulary. In fact I was unaware I have an above average vocabulary to begin with.
The point about the cage is a good one. It was not meant to be a literal cage, so I will change this to contraption (thanks for the word :) ) when I type it up for my class.
The main aim from the story was to pose questions not answers, to let your own imagination fill in the missing pieces i
Posted by harvestmouse on 2012-03-02 14:17:50
Sorry, if I wasn't clear. That was my point, by trying to write in period, it comes over as slightly artificial and a little cumbersome (mainly the first paragraph).
I feel the story can do this for you, without so much thought on specific vocabulary. The setting/environment is more key, I feel.
I feel the story can do this for you, without so much thought on specific vocabulary. The setting/environment is more key, I feel.
Posted by pythrr on 2012-03-02 16:29:34
HM: language (both grammatical structure and lexical) choice can set the scene very well. A good recent (?) example of this is Johnathon Strange and Mr Norrel, in which Susanna Clarke deploys such techniques to haunting effect.
Posted by Royston on 2012-03-02 18:52:04
Pyth I read that a few years back. Was quite good.
Posted by maysrill on 2012-03-02 19:22:25
Could use a bit clearer explanation of how she was caught. She ran at the first sound of him, and despite towing along a gimpy cat, managed to take her by surprise? Needs some motion, description of her flight, etc. Perhaps she rounds a corner and comes face to face, rather than him catching her from behind.
I won't knock you on the suddenness of the plot, given that it's limited to 500 words.
(BTW, note on vocab: when limited on word count, one big word can often do the work of three of four simple little ones)
As a fellow aspiring author though: keep up the good work!
I won't knock you on the suddenness of the plot, given that it's limited to 500 words.
(BTW, note on vocab: when limited on word count, one big word can often do the work of three of four simple little ones)
As a fellow aspiring author though: keep up the good work!
Posted by Royston on 2012-03-02 20:23:09
The design of the streets and alleyways masks the approach of The Gentleman due to the sounds bouncing off of the walls and echoing back on themselves. Polly had no clue which direction he was coming from. She checked the coast was clear one way and stupidly looked behind. The cat is both a warning and a clever subterfuge for the devious killer.
Posted by koadah on 2012-03-03 07:05:04
Nice work.
I agree with Pythrr. I understand Mouse's point but don't think it applies here. Vocab is fine for me.
Use of the word 'cage' is confusing though.
Polly dies but part of the impact is lost as we don't get time to know her. She only appears late on.
Maybe the scene could be set through her eyes. The Gentleman described by what she has heard about him. Maybe that would give a bit more mystery as we wouldn't actually 'see' the Gentleman at all.
You don't have much time but who is she? How does she feel about her work especially at a time when the Gentleman is known to prowl. Are there children at home waiting for her to return?
Personally I don't want stories about weirdness. I want stories about people but are flavoured with weirdness. ;)
I had some pause points where I thought 'is that right?'.
It felt VERY Jack the Ripper. I felt that I was actually in Whitechapel at the end of the 19th Century. So, would Bedlam have actually been close by? Would they have had 'lolly sticks'? Would Polly's undergarments have been 'discarded'? ;)
Good stuff. Just a reader's opinion. I haven't written a story in 30 years. ;)
I agree with Pythrr. I understand Mouse's point but don't think it applies here. Vocab is fine for me.
Use of the word 'cage' is confusing though.
Polly dies but part of the impact is lost as we don't get time to know her. She only appears late on.
Maybe the scene could be set through her eyes. The Gentleman described by what she has heard about him. Maybe that would give a bit more mystery as we wouldn't actually 'see' the Gentleman at all.
You don't have much time but who is she? How does she feel about her work especially at a time when the Gentleman is known to prowl. Are there children at home waiting for her to return?
Personally I don't want stories about weirdness. I want stories about people but are flavoured with weirdness. ;)
I had some pause points where I thought 'is that right?'.
It felt VERY Jack the Ripper. I felt that I was actually in Whitechapel at the end of the 19th Century. So, would Bedlam have actually been close by? Would they have had 'lolly sticks'? Would Polly's undergarments have been 'discarded'? ;)
Good stuff. Just a reader's opinion. I haven't written a story in 30 years. ;)
Posted by Royston on 2012-03-03 10:28:05
Thanks Koadah. Some good points I'll have to think about there.
I think if this were more than a throw away piece for a writing course I am doing I might check my facts regarding the sticks and undies. But as it is I feel it fits with what I am trying to do here. Plus this is a genre I have only read sparingly, so it is heavily influenced by horror novels I have read. I wanted to get more of a feel of the atmosphere of the place. The terror in the hearts of those who are forced to do business while a deranged ear-stealing fiend runs loose. Polly is just supposed to be A N Other prostitute not the main focus.
I think if this were more than a throw away piece for a writing course I am doing I might check my facts regarding the sticks and undies. But as it is I feel it fits with what I am trying to do here. Plus this is a genre I have only read sparingly, so it is heavily influenced by horror novels I have read. I wanted to get more of a feel of the atmosphere of the place. The terror in the hearts of those who are forced to do business while a deranged ear-stealing fiend runs loose. Polly is just supposed to be A N Other prostitute not the main focus.
Posted by pythrr on 2012-03-03 10:32:42
In a 500 word piece, the trick is to concentrate on the affect of the writing. It is too short a space to build a plot, so one can either (a) trace a character, or (b) establish a mood or feeling. I like the way royston does that in this.
Right, enough lit crit. Time to take off the professional hat and kill things! CLAWPOMB DANGERZONE PFFT LAMMER AND STUFF!
Right, enough lit crit. Time to take off the professional hat and kill things! CLAWPOMB DANGERZONE PFFT LAMMER AND STUFF!
Posted by bghandras on 2012-03-04 08:48:49
If you have 500 words, then you need to find the plot that works best in 500 words. I beleive it is not a horror. If i were you i would use this idea for later when it can reach its full potential, and would come up with something different. Think about such short stories as "The raven and the fox".
Posted by pythrr on 2012-03-04 11:45:40
Nonsense.
Not all writing has to be about PLOT...
Not all writing has to be about PLOT...
Posted by Jeffro on 2012-03-04 17:42:12
Superb use of the word "plop", but I'd like to see it from the point of view of the cat.