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2010-03-01 17:54:04
39 votes, rating 3.9
39 votes, rating 3.9
You want to know about Jan Mattys?
By popular demand, for a limited time period, we will be reprinting key facts about the life and times of Jan Mattys for those who may have missed them.
Stay off the bourbon, and watch out for bishops.
--
You want to know about Jan Mattys? Let me tell you about Jan Mattys.
Jan Mattys was a baker. Or at least, people called him a baker. He just thought of himself as a man who did what needed to be done. And on the mean streets of 16th century Amsterdam, a lot needed to be done. Sometimes that meant baking some bread. Sometimes that meant baptising thousands of converts.
Of course, a lot of bishops didn't take kindly to all this baking. Or maybe it was the baptising. It didn't really matter to Jan Mattys. If life wasn't tough enough on the streets of Amsterdam (and Munster), it gets tougher when the bishops are on your case. All Jan Mattys knew - and as he'd tell anyone after a glass or two of bourbon - was that when life got tough and the bishops were on your case you couldn't take it lying down. (Although, after a few more bourbons, lying down in the gutter was exactly where he ended up. But then, there wasn't a gutter in Amsterdam - or Munster - you could step over without passing a sozzled preacher, bishop, baker, merchant or duke. Those were the kinds of times they were.)
So, when it came to a showdown between Jan Mattys and the bishops, and his head ended up on the end of a pike, it didn't come as a surprise to those who knew him. They were the wrong kinds of times for a man like him, who wouldn't take no for an answer and who couldn't walk past a bishop without spitting ...
Stay off the bourbon, and watch out for bishops.
--
You want to know about Jan Mattys? Let me tell you about Jan Mattys.
Jan Mattys was a baker. Or at least, people called him a baker. He just thought of himself as a man who did what needed to be done. And on the mean streets of 16th century Amsterdam, a lot needed to be done. Sometimes that meant baking some bread. Sometimes that meant baptising thousands of converts.
Of course, a lot of bishops didn't take kindly to all this baking. Or maybe it was the baptising. It didn't really matter to Jan Mattys. If life wasn't tough enough on the streets of Amsterdam (and Munster), it gets tougher when the bishops are on your case. All Jan Mattys knew - and as he'd tell anyone after a glass or two of bourbon - was that when life got tough and the bishops were on your case you couldn't take it lying down. (Although, after a few more bourbons, lying down in the gutter was exactly where he ended up. But then, there wasn't a gutter in Amsterdam - or Munster - you could step over without passing a sozzled preacher, bishop, baker, merchant or duke. Those were the kinds of times they were.)
So, when it came to a showdown between Jan Mattys and the bishops, and his head ended up on the end of a pike, it didn't come as a surprise to those who knew him. They were the wrong kinds of times for a man like him, who wouldn't take no for an answer and who couldn't walk past a bishop without spitting ...
Comments
Posted by Araznaroth on 2010-03-01 18:35:39
How do the Fighting Hellfishes fit into this picture? :D
Posted by f_alk on 2010-03-01 19:36:23
baptizing = water = fish,
enemy of bishops = hell
Not?
enemy of bishops = hell
Not?
Posted by pac on 2010-03-01 19:59:19
Fighting?
Jan Mattys was always fighting against the bishops. But that never got a man anywhere. Except beaten and bruised, pike-scarred and crawling towards a bar pleading through bloody lips for bourbon.
No one ever got far out of fighting the bishops. Not that that put Jan Mattys off. That man would have punched a bishop wearing a spiked cod-piece in the crotch without a second thought.
Hell? Fishes? Those are other stories. When you're talking about a man like Jan Mattys, in times like those, in places like Amsterdam (and Munster), you don't run out of stories.
Jan Mattys was always fighting against the bishops. But that never got a man anywhere. Except beaten and bruised, pike-scarred and crawling towards a bar pleading through bloody lips for bourbon.
No one ever got far out of fighting the bishops. Not that that put Jan Mattys off. That man would have punched a bishop wearing a spiked cod-piece in the crotch without a second thought.
Hell? Fishes? Those are other stories. When you're talking about a man like Jan Mattys, in times like those, in places like Amsterdam (and Munster), you don't run out of stories.
Posted by Catalyst32 on 2010-03-03 07:33:09
Is this a REAL person you are telling the legend of or a character. Sounds like it might make a good movie.
Posted by pac on 2010-03-03 13:19:54
Catalyst, when you ask whether Jan Mattys was real it makes me realise that the bishops won in more ways than maybe even they ever knew. They put the man's head on a pike and now people aren't even sure if he existed.
If Jan Mattys had known that would happen ... Well, it wouldn't have surprised him at all. It was the sort of thing he would have expected. In those days, in Amsterdam (and Munster), you couldn't afford to worry about whether you'd be remembered. They weren't those kinds of times. People had enough to worry about wondering where the next puff pastry was coming from - not to mention staying out of the eye-line of the bishops. All but Jan Mattys, of course. No staying out of sight for him. He'd always march straight up to any bishop he saw and give him a piece of his mind. It was the sort of honesty you had to admire (even if no one could hope to tell what he was ranting about), but it certainly cost him in the end.
If Jan Mattys had known that would happen ... Well, it wouldn't have surprised him at all. It was the sort of thing he would have expected. In those days, in Amsterdam (and Munster), you couldn't afford to worry about whether you'd be remembered. They weren't those kinds of times. People had enough to worry about wondering where the next puff pastry was coming from - not to mention staying out of the eye-line of the bishops. All but Jan Mattys, of course. No staying out of sight for him. He'd always march straight up to any bishop he saw and give him a piece of his mind. It was the sort of honesty you had to admire (even if no one could hope to tell what he was ranting about), but it certainly cost him in the end.
Posted by Catalyst32 on 2010-03-04 06:45:06
So he didn't exist. Now that we are clear it is still good material. Very entertaining. Cult inspiring.
Posted by JanMattys on 2010-03-04 18:35:01
I do exist, btw :)
Posted by Catalyst32 on 2010-03-05 01:46:28
OMG!!! It's TRUE!!! lol
Posted by funnyfingers on 2010-03-05 23:16:13
A real book does exist on Jan Mattys, a baker, and involves bishops.
Posted by Catalyst32 on 2010-03-06 00:23:20
A fiction or a non-fiction book.